I'm About To Lose Everything (Need Support)

EmilismsGalore · 24-07-2011, 04:43 AM

Hi there. Ok so I'm still really new to this site but I'm hoping I can get some support because my life has taken a turn for the worse recently. My anorexia is out of control and as a result it's destroying everything. My parents are trying to force me into recovery but I'm not ready for it just yet. I like the feeling of emptiness and the sense of control. I wanted to push back going IP until next summer so I'd have a chance to finish high school but my parents aren't letting me drop the issue for a whole year.

Basically my health isn't that bad yet but I know if I wait a year it'll be much worse (I won't give a weight but I'm nearing the double digits in pounds). I won't be able to graduate along with my friends if my parents take me out of school. They're talking about pulling the plug on my relationship with my boyfriend because they think he's making my AN worse when really he's the best form of support I have. I keep getting into fights with my family and it's only getting worse. It seems like everything I care about is in jeopardy!

I'm terrified that the only future that awaits me is me being stuck in a hospital with a tube attached to me because I'm no longer able to eat. I'm scared that this will kill me. Lately I keep crying. I'm in so much emotional pain and nothing is making it stop.

I don't feel like I can fight my ED. It has a voice that is so convincing. I'm just a puppet on a string. Powerless on my quest for control. Deeply flawed in my quest for perfection.

I guess all I'm asking for is support. Please tell me it can get better and that recovery is possible because right now I don't have the strength to keep fighting and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid going to lose everything. I just want to know I'm not alone. Please.

Take care guys

whoknows · 24-07-2011, 11:23 AM

Hi Emily,

You're not alone. I've been there too, and recovered, so I know what it's like.
You're afraid to let go of the control because you might go into free fall. No, the AN is the tether that is keeping you from flying!

Parents are funny people. Unless they really understand an Anorexic mind, it's difficult to know what to do. They obviously love you very much because they are trying to help you, as they see it, but I agree, you have to be ready to recover for yourself.

Trust your heart that is telling you to eat. Don't listen to the gremlins in your mind that are telling you that you can't. You can. YOU are in control, NOT THEM. Have faith in your own strength to beat your gremlins, they are SO wrong! You ARE strong enough to beat them.

Take care of yourself and know that you're never alone. You CAN break free, never give up.

when.will.it.end · 24-07-2011, 01:15 PM

Hey sounds like you've got loads going on.

Is missing high school the main reason you want to push back inpatient? Isn't there a way to do it the other way around; treatment then school because by the sounds of it you're very ill and you don't want to get any worse. It sounds stressful having people around you worried and wanting you in treatment but lovely, they are like that for a reason. They wouldn't be concerned if there wasn't good reason to be concerned.

And can you explain to your parents that you Bf is helping you rather than hurting you?

How are you now?

Katie x x x

PassedExpectations · 24-07-2011, 10:32 PM

i went to a residencial place for just under three months, and i did end up repeating a year, but it wasn't nearly as difficult as i had expected. it all worked out really well actually.

it sounds as though you really do need the help, and as its available, please, take advantage of it. there is never a perfect time, never a good time even really, to go to inpatient. it will always impinge and interfere with something. but doing it and getting better is worth the small things that have to get figured out afterwards. and you may not even have to graduate late if you keep up with schoolwork while you're there (though that isn't the main focus understandably)

Once A Fallen Angel · 24-07-2011, 11:32 PM

I'm just off to bed and really can't keep my eyes open long enough to say much other than--

You say you are 'about to lose everything'-- is there anyway you can turn it around, and see that you could be about to GAIN everything? If you stay as you are it sounds like there is a good chance you wont be well enough to graduate anyway, your family will continue feeling the pain of watching you self destruct and it may not be long before you have the choice of IP admission taken out of your hands entirely.

I KNOW how scary it is (as an 'in recovery' anorexic') to make that first step, honestly I do, but you could be about to lead the life you always dreamt of... if you can just take a few steps forward with your family's supprt.

Once A Fallen Angel · 24-07-2011, 11:39 PM

.Sorry said twice, I must be tired! xxx

morningside stranger · 24-07-2011, 11:55 PM

Hiya, I completely agree with what's been written just above this post. Please try to see this as an opportunity to get better. I can completely relate to not feeling 'ready for change' but (in my opinion, at least!) there never is one single moment of clarifying realisation when it comes to eating disorders. It's rare to ever feel totally ready to change. Therefore you might as well try as soon as possible because things can only get worse, as you've said yourself. I personally went through senior school (the equivalent to your high school) completely adament that 'I was fine' and too stubborn to get treatment. God, I wish I'd gone IP then. Since school, my ED has screwed up my life so much. It might sound silly but with eating disorders, the motto 'sooner better than later' definitely applies to the vast majority of people. Also, if you try to come to some sort of understanding with your parents and admit that you probably need some sort of help, they might be more lenient and give you a bit of breathing space and freedom to decide on a treatment plan with which you're more comfortable. They might also start to recognise that you are in fact aware of the problem at hand and they should respect you all the more for it. This might not sound like much right now when everything must be pretty damn scary BUT respect often comes with its own little perks...like getting to make more of your own choices and getting to hold onto boyfriends! Hang in there, sweetie! You can and WILL get through this xx

EmilismsGalore · 25-07-2011, 02:54 AM

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement! I wish I could give you all a group hug. I understand that my health should be a priority but I'm not convinced that it's all that bad yet. I've never fainted due to lack of food and I'm not constantly cold or anything. The only side effects I've really experienced are a bit of hair loss, brittle nails and a sometimes I have problems with concentration and energy. Overall I'd say I'm not that bad health-wise.

I just really don't want to miss my final year I guess. I think about all the memories I'd miss and it makes me sad. I'd miss grad, prom and spending lots of time with my friends before we all head out to different schools. So many memories can be created in one year and I don't want to lose out on any of it. Also because I have social anxiety disorder having to come back the year after would be extremely stressful because I wouldn't know anyone.

PassedExpectations · 25-07-2011, 04:04 AM

you're chances of beating this are much better if you get treated sooner. better to miss one year than to miss even more later on. and like i said, there are things you will miss whenever you go. and if you let that stop you, then you will never get the treatment until you're at a point where you don't have a choice about it.

the other thing is that unless you've been told otherwise, i think its unlikely that you would be in inpatient or residencial for an entire year. i don't know for certain but i would think that you would be back by the end of the school year, so you might not even miss prom and graduation and all that. and again, if you do it sooner, you have a better chance of being back. if you try and hold out until past the end of the year, and it doesn't work out, then you more likely will miss those events.

and i've had social anxiety as well. key word there is had. if you get treatment, and you work at it, it can get way better.