Help me please (may be triggering?) <recovery post>
I want to chuck my blades away. Razor blades are easy because although I sometimes rely on them, I also really, REALLY hate them. But then I’ve got this penknife/multitool thing that I’ve used for SH a lot.
My current counsellor is awesome, she’s never told me to stop or asked me to get rid of my blades. And when I told her last week that I was thinking about it, she just said something like ‘whether you do it or not, this feels like a genuine change for the better.’
When my first counsellor asked me to throw them away, I told her I didn’t want to because the penknife had sentimental value. That’s true – it was my leaving present when I left the UK to go and work overseas. It’s been with me in Russia, Japan, Slovakia, China, Vietnam and now Italy. I guess I’ve become a bit attached. But it does have this really negative significance now. And if I’m honest, it’s not much good as a multitool anymore because the blade’s kind of blunt, there’s rust on some parts and a weird goo around the hinges.
On Monday I’m moving from Italy to the UK and I want to leave the multitool (and all its associations) behind. I’ve been feeling so much better recently, the counselling has been working and I think I can manage without SH. But there’s this little nagging doubt in my mind – what if I need it again. What if I have to use it one more time? It feels like such a final step… but it could be a really positive step towards not self-harming again.
I’ve got about 30 hours to decide. I think I want to leave it here, but I don’t know if I’m brave enough.
Any thoughts are very welcome
xx
Last edited by Sefka : 10-07-2011 at 11:07 AM.
Каждому, каждому в лучшее верится,
Катится, катится голубой вагон!
Definitely throw the first items you mentioned then - if they're easier.
I think it would be great if you left the other behind too, it seems a good time for you to do it.
When I threw mine out I didn't see it as 100% commitment to never harming again, but I almost certainly won't and I'm far less likely to if I don't have "tools" in easy reach. That made it seem easier somehow.
I'm glad you are at the point of considering this anyway.
May I just warn you though that your post could be highly triggering to some. I'm not sure if you are allowed to mention specific tools like this. Please at least put a trigger warning and consider editing.
I would throw the blades away and take all the "tool" parts out of the penknife and keep the body of it. That way you leave behind all the hurting bits but keep the sentimental part.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I too would leave the penknife if you feel strong enough.
Is there nothing else that has sentimental values of your travels that you could keep hold of? I know it wont be a leaving present you got but there must be something else that you've travelled with that could hold the memories... even if it's a t shirt :)
Quote:
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
Im not going to tell you to do anything. I can relate totally to this. I believe that you have sewn a seed and that seed will grow in its own time. Do what feels right and best. If you keep em it means nothing. If you throw them it means the same. what matters is that this is a change in thought.
FYI i have all my tools still, but mostly they are not in an instantly accessible place for me. It was hard to move them from one place4 to another, but it was a significant change in thought.
Proud of you. Its difficult. xxxxxxxxxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
SERENITY is my RYL mum.
SOLO is my RYL auntie.
SEFKA is my RYL daughter.
DAYS GONE BYE is my RYL sister.
JEFFERSON.MERIWETHER is my RYL son.
OLINESS is my RYL son.
Hi Sefka, probably I was being overboard about warnings! - thanks for adding "May be triggering". It's definitely a positive post whichever you decided to do.
Did it.
Chucked the blades away and it felt good.
Couldn't bring myself to throw away my penknife so I just left it on the kitchen table as I was walking out of the flat, but I kept the leather case - slightly weird, I know.
And now it's all the way in Italy and I'm all the way here.
Phew.
Feels strange. I hope I've done the right thing.
Thank you so much, all of you.
xx
Каждому, каждому в лучшее верится,
Катится, катится голубой вагон!
*hugs* Proud of you!
And it isn't weird... you have a sentimental object but not the hazardous portion. Makes perfect sense to me.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Wow - well done! That's nice that you've kept the case - so you've got some of the history of it. It's bound to feel a bit strange at first. Hope all goes well for you back in the UK. xx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
.gif "rose")
