There are three men in my head who sometimes control me. Right now they are planning on killing my brother and I don't feel like i'll be able to stop them unless I kill myself before they get to my brother. I know that they have power and control because they tried to kill me once and I only managed to regain control after I was seriously unwell. Part of me thinks that I am looking for an excuse to kill myself because life hurts so much and I hae no interest in living but there is a small part of me that wants to get through this with both me and and my brother safe. The only way I can think of that happening is if I were to be admitted to hospital until I feel more in control but my psychiatrist has put in my management plan that hospital isn't helpful for me and shouldn't be considered 'unless my circumstances change.' I don't know if this would count as a change in my circumstances because I was on a medical ward last week because I overdosed and the men had presented me with what they are going to do so I told the psychiatrist who assessed me and he sent me home.
It looks like i'm just going to have to kill myself, but I feel calm about it. I spoke to the crisis team tonight and they made me promise them that i'll be safe for the rest of the night but that's all. I'm not going to be safe for much longer. I have to do this for both me and my brother but any other suggestions would be welcome because I don't want to leave my brother without a family.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
PLEASE keep going! Hang in there. Things will improve. Sometimes you just have to wait it out. It's unfair and completely rubbish, but sometimes that's the only safe choice you have. BUT BUT BUT if things get any worse (even just a little bit), will you please ring the crisis team again? They would rather you ring again than you do anything dangerous. Obviously I don't know the whole story but this sounds like it could classify as a change in circumstances. Please don't risk anything when extra support could be available. I know it's emotional blackmail (and I'm sorry) but do try to think of your brother. More importantly, think about you. You deserve better than this and things will change. Can you keep busy for tonight? Nothing strenuous or triggering. A dvd? Book? An early night? Anything to get you through. Take care. Here if you need to talk xx
Call the crisis team again or, if things get anny worse just call 911 IMMEDIATELY. I know you care about your brother but your life is important too! Hang in there k? Be strong. Don't be afraid to go call and ask for help again. Just be safe... *hugs*
I said this on your other thread but I urge you to call the police. They might be able to override the notes of the psychiatrist and send you into hospital, which you need to keep both you and your brother safe. I care about you a lot Linds, please, don't give up.
Please try it, try all you can. You can't try anything else after suicide but you sure can try different methods of getting help, and I think you need someone who can put you into hospital and it might take the police to do that, when you're honest with them about my plans. Please be honest.
Can you call the police? Tell them about your plans?
I saw my OT this morning who said that there is nothing that she or anyone else can do for me. I'll think about calling the police but it would be stressful for my brother and i'd rather just die. I know that isn't what's best for my brother though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Why would it be stressful for your brother if you speak to the police? Please remember that stress would pass, but the pain if you died would be immense. Please keep holding on Linds xx
I can't explain this to my brother. The last time when the men tried to kill me he acted as if I was really stupid because they are in my head. I'll just have to kill myself. There is nothing else for it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so, so scared. I have to take action tonight because i'm not sure how much longer I will have control. The crisis team phoned but just told me to distract myself online and call them back later. I'm sick of having to fight my way through life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Linds if you do have to take action, take an action that will save your life, like going to the hospital or calling the police. I know you say that it will be worrying for John, but in all honesty when you die it's going to be ten times worse. If you kill yourself you're going to hurt him to the point where you are hurting now.
I have no energy to do anything. The men are draining me. They want me to suffer without being able to find a way out of life. That's all that matters to everyone, that I don't kill myself and pass on my pain. It's alright that I am suffering.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Linds, I know there is very little I can say or do to help. I am furious with your Care Team for turning you away and saying there is nothing they can do to help you. The only thing I can suggest is to go back and ask for admission - your circumstances have changed, surely? Have you told them you feel admission is the only way to be safe?
I agree with Snow White here, please keep fighting this. I know that is a very hard thing to have to hear - believe me, I know that. It is not that we want you to suffer, we just do not want to loose you forever. There has to be more that can be done, and if it means challenging what it written in your care plan then try every way you can to do that. Have you tried PALS? or a different hospital/area?
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I'm scared to tell my care team that I think that hospitalisation would be best for me right now because I know they'd judge me for it. They think that I just want to be looked after. They also think that I might end up in hospital more frequently if they 'give in' to me and that I need to learn to stay safe in the community. I don't want to fight against what they want because I might lose some of their respect and care. I'm not allowed in any hospital, it is controlled by my psychiatrist. I'm just going to hae to kill myself when I get my energy back because I don't want to face a life like this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. The crisis team are supporting me, but they are supporting me to live rather than to die. I'd like someone to feel what i'm going through, just for a second, and tell me that they could live through it. I am strong. I have surived through so much, they tell me. A difficult upbringing, my Mum dying, my Dad dying, my brother moving out, moving house, but all of that is nothing compared to feeling suicidal. I can't cope with it. When I spoke to the crisis team this morning they told me that my psychiatrist says that I 'just' have a personality disorder, that I can control my thoughts and feelings, and that I don't have men in my head. I wouldn't lie about that. I thought my psychiatrist was nice, I trusted him. The crisis team are going to phone me later on to see how my day has been. They have told me to keep busy and spend time with my brother. They want to tide me over to get me through this only for yet another bad time to come afterwards. I don't want this any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hugs Linds....I am sorry to hear that things are still so difficult for you. I am short on words at the moment as I am very sick with the flu but am happy to see you still posting and talking to us about what you are experiencing. I understand what you say when you refer to your life experiences being one thing and then the experience of being suicidal is another, it has an identity of its own in some ways and the experience in itself can be extremely traumatic, tiring, stressful and all that its in between.
but i guess, as difficult as it is think that it is possible to overcome this want to die, it will pass eventually and i don't mean to make light of the feeling because i understand it severity completely. but i guess my point is that this experience doesn't have to be your only experience, and like all the others that you have been through you have found great strength and resilience to pull you through, and you are indeed a strong human being.
i wonder if in your "i don't know what to do" state, if you would consider ringing police, and explaining that you feel unsafe, that there are three men in your head that have told you have no other options, tell them that your care team isn't responding to you in the manner they should be, and you feel that if nothing changes, the men will make it happen.
of course you don't want this anymore, and I know that you would argue right now that you don't want life anymore either, but i would imagine it's difficult to see any other possibility of what life could be if given the chance to flourish....
take care of yourself linds, you know that we are all here for you.
ashleigh
life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.
I'm scared to call the police because my brother will be afraid of me if he finds out what the men are doing. I need to do everything I can to protect him. I know that means I need to stay safe so that I can continue to be there for him throughout his life. Somtimes it's just so hard though. I don't want to be living like this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hun is there a friend you can call and ask to stay with you tonight? To keep you distracted and safe? You don't have to die, sorry I've not much to say, hang in there.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Every time I try to get in touch with my friends they ignore me. There is only one who lies near me but I can't tell her how i'm feeling because the last time I did she fell out with me. I'll be ok for now but my suicide is almost certain if things don't get better soon and even if they do I might still go ahead with it because i'm scared of going back to this place.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm scared to go to sleep because i'm scared that i'll wake up. I hate trying to force myself out of my bed, I keep putting my alarm forward in the hope that time will go backwards and I won't have to put on my face and get on with daily life. Life means nothing to me. It's not for me. I was never supposed to even be born. I am in some kind of limbo between life and death and i'm sure that right now I am closer to death than I am to life. It would only take a few steps and i'd be gone. Sure, I don't know what death holds and it might even be worse than this but I can't sit around and do nothing. I can't seem to move forward with life so I have to move forward with death. The only thing that is stopping me is that I don't want my brother to be left alone in the world. He'll end up feeling like me. But sometimes the suicidal feelings are so strong that I just cannot cope with them and I have to take action. Cutting doesn't help any more. Overdosing sometimes helps but i'm worried that soon i'll have all of my medication taken off me because i've overdosed so many times. I got a letter through this morning from my GP saying that they got a letter from psychiatry and could I come in to discuss it. They better not take me off my antidepressants because I really need them. It's my anxiety tablets that I abuse mainly, they don't work but i'm not going to tell anyone because they will take them off me. Sometimes when I haven't taken them for a while I feel a little buzz when I start to take them again. Maybe I could ask for my dose to be increased but I doubt that they'd trust me enough to do that.
I want to live in a constant state of overdose, where nothing matters and nothing is real but i'm having to take more and more tablets to get the same effect and it's getting dangerous. I don't care if it kills me (except for hurting my brother of course) and I don't care if I get physically ill. There must be some tablet that I can take that will make the world seem better without having to overdose on it. I've tried so many different antidepressants though. Fluoxetine gave me a weeks high. It was amazing. I was taken off it and when I went back on it I felt high for a day. I'd like to go back on it and see if I could extend the effects somehow.
If only my brother would die. I pray every night and every morning that he will die. There are going to be difficult times for him and I won't be able to cope with his suffering. It's all about me. I'm so selfish. This feeling is really intense and hard to live with. Since i've been diagnosed with BPD people have started treating me differently, like I bring on my problems myself. When I go to hospital the doctors sometimes belittle what I am saying and treat me like an idiot. I want to keep going to the hospital though. It is part of the journey of overdosing and I want to savour every moment of it. I can't stay at home when I overdose because I act really strange because I am so out of it and my brother would notice. When he goes to uni I will be free to do what I want. The crisis team think that my bad spells have something to do with my brother becuase they thought I was alright while he was away at college but I wasn't. I was just going to bed really early to get away from life and crying myself to sleep. I couldn't be bothered telling anyone how I was feeling because it would take up energy that I didn't have.
My brother tried to kill himself once, it broke my heart because it is one of my worst nightmares. I think i'm owed a suicide attempt because he got one. I'll do it properly. There must be something I can put in place to make this easier for him. People die all of the time, you just have to cope with it. Our Mum died and he coped with it. Our Dad died and he coped with it. But I was there for him. Who will be there for him when I die?
I so badly want to go and watch the trains. Just watch them and feel them. Take that step forward and see what comes afterwards.
Sorry that this is long and probably irrelevant but I feel so lost and alone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
