prom went good.
been doing way too much drinking this week though monday at prom 3 untis fine. tuesday at party like 10+ units no hangover but not good for my liver tonight cider pong and like 4 units on top of that. never drinking cheap cider again years since i've had it in quantity and it just doesnt agree with me it seems tonight was the first time alcohol has ever made me sick. and that made me realise how bad this week has been. thinking it might be effecting my depression a bit, i mean counselling was hard but if i'd drunk less and slept more i'm sure wednesday night wouldnt have been as hard.meant to be drinnking more at weekend maybe i shouldn't.
sorry for alcohol based rant at self cant even talk to counsellor about it next week cos next week is cancelled, she texted me just after session cos she remembered she's not in next tuesday.
as for waht happened in session, well we're getting closer to the pain.
started with me tryig to decide whether continue counselling and if i might need some help set up for when i'm at uni. wrote bit of a list for and against help and saw how circley and self hating/depricating my brain can be. then we were trying to work out where to go session wise after i'd decided that might as well keep getting help while theres someone i trust. and i asked caroline if she had any ideas cos i wasnt sure and she said well the thing that struck me most is last week when you said 'i don't want to die i just want the pian to stop'.
hearing it from someone elses mouth made me cry so yeah difficult session but i think move in right direction.
next move do not have too much alcohol this weekend. might enjoy myself at time but doesnt help my mood and i more likely to forget or on purpose not take my tablets.
well dont get counseeling on tuesday oh well.
so nervous bout it when i started this thread still am at times but i come to miss sessions if they dont happen
Shows you how you've come far, in that you weren't looking forward to it, but now, if you don't get it, you miss it. Keep at it Jen. Boingy Boingy Boingy.
I agree (and not just with the boingy bit!)
II find that getting into a pattern with professional help can often give me the motivation to keep going with it when I'm feeling particularly low and pissed off/apathetic about the whole thing. Keep going with the counselling! It sounds like you're building up a fair bit of trust with this woman. That's definitely a positive thing. I really hope you can continue to open up and get the help that you deserve :)
Hahaha...ha about the cider pong! One of the simplest, stupidest, but most hilarious games ever! I hope you won! It sounds like you've had lots of exciting things over the last wee while to keep you merry and entertained. How's this weekend been? Did you manage to cut back a tad on the drinking? How's everything now in general?
erm been quite a good weekend went on camp, enjoyed myself on friday night and didnt go overboard drinking, and was good most of saturday bit went bit down in evening, accidently isolated myself and let it happen.
then todays been alright, back home had a relax.
had a difficult converstaion with my boyfriend this evening, he told me some stuff about him that i'm finding a bit hard to process/ deal with. but nobody is perfect, i still love him and the guy i love isnt the one he described. it bit confusing, wish had counselling on tuesday.
but i not bad little bruised with a side of grass rash :P
thanks for popping in :) x
i honestly dont know talai.
we had conversation over skype text so i'm re reading it, right now it's so hard to process. I dont think he's bad sound like he's been through stuff worse than what i experienced and at times that turned him bad. but he's trying so hard to be gopod. and some of the things sound so like me the low self worth. the fact he said is his onl reason to live is to help other people.
i'm not that scared about what i found out, to me for the last seven months he has always been a gentleman. i'm more worried about his feelings for himself and what it must be doing to him.
well i'll work it out hopefully.
Oh dear, that does sound like a lot to process. I hope that you can still see him as the guy you've known and liked for the last 7 months. I guess you have to try and remember that all the bad stuff goes into what makes people good. It sounds like he's trying to make the best of his experiences by helping others. That is definitely a lot of pressure though. Is he currently getting any professional support?
Glad you had a good weekend...for the most part anyway. How are you doing today? :)
was ill all yesterday. some 24 hour virus thing still recovering today.
as for how i'm feeling about the whole thing not sure talked a little to a good scout friend. i'll think about it pi. don't have much credit to be honest that and cant say everything cos it feels like i'm betraying him, it's why i'm going to see if i can wait til next tuesday to talk to my counsellor about it that way totally confidential. also i think i need to talk to him again, i still love him and i think i need to see him face to face.
@morningside he's not getting any help, been trying to push him gently in that direction since his last 'break' about a month ago when he admitted to me he was drinking to deal with emotions, but it took him 7 months to tell me this stuff cos he was so scared how i'd react (it relates to him being bullied and in turn bulliyng/manipulating people) and really i don't know how i have reacted. with empathy to him but confusion and some worry and fear as well.
just trying to slowly process things. because for seven months i've trusted him wholly so surely i still can? x
*hugs Jen*
Talking 'bout it to the counsellor sounds like a good idea, as I know what you mean 'bout not wanting to betray his trust.
And I imagine it was scary for you to find that out about him, but I agree, I think you can still trust him. I imagine it took a lot for him to tell you, and that fact that he's acknowledged it is good- most people who have bullied others, for whatever reason, tend not to admit to it, or feel any remorse? People do bad stuff for a variety of reasons, but what matters is the real person underneath :)
yeah i think it hurt me more through empathy.
that he had been through bullying like me, though his seeemed more physical he said when he was younger his friend's were the ones who beat him the least.
had a chat with him tonight so we know a litlle more where we stand which is good. i'm a still a little uncertain. but i still love him and believe i can still trust him, after 7 months i think i would have noticed bad behaviour towards me? in my view there hasn't been any, in fact at times he's rather protective (wanting to talk to people who have hurt me,[haven't let him] check i'm home safe etc.) *shrugs*
wish counselling today had been on but have made progress.
*hugs back tight*
How's this morning been so far? Did you manage to get some sleep? It sounds like he had a pretty tough childhood. I completely agree - you surely would have noticed any bad behaviour towards you over the last 7 months. I think that him telling you all this stuff is just a sign that he wants to be honest about his past because he feels like he's moved on and simply wants to be honest with you. But hey, I don't know the guy and I think it's down to what your instincts are telling you. Again, sorry that yesterday's counselling session never happened. At least you've now got a few more days to process everything that's happened and you'll probably end up being more coherent next Tuesday. It might help you decide what you really want to focus on with your counsellor and the whole thing might be more helpful :)
i ok, got some sleep around 1.
bit better today just guess finding out stuff set my see saw back on wobble.
spent a few hours messing a bout with my boyfriend, he's still same guy i still love him i still accept him. we're ok. trying to persuade him to help is still a dead end, says he only told me cos he trusts me and thinks if anyone should truly know him it should be me.
might mention in counselling not even sure now. i've got over the fear. i guess the only over thing is trying not to take on his problems isuues whatever. cos i'm kind of good at doing that. other peoples pain especially close people's pain affects me. well i'll think hard.
well been ok day nothing special but not ok now.
had this sort of wave of non feeling creep up on me.
feel so empty, raw, anxious no direct link.
but definitely not good.
sorry i'm so pathectic right now spent ten minutes deciding whether to use my last bit of credit too text a friend texted them tried to cancel it, failed to. havent heard from them yet but wishing i hadnt sent it.
*hugs Jen*
You're not pathetic at all. You're super-awesome, and meeting you yesterday has re-inforced my belief that you are strong, lovely and have loads of potential :)
