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Reviews Requested- Safe - mental health services- a satirical review
Thought I'd write a tongue in cheek review of services I've encountered to date. Perhaps people could add theirs own ideas to it?
Counselling –
Bit down? Acting a bit odd? Talk to this person. They’ll prove their listening and therefore care by checking out with you they’ve understood. (it’s called active listening don’t you know?) But tread carefully they’re a mixed bunch with varying levels of competence. Definitely only safe if you’re not too messed up just a little under the weather or happen to hit the jackpot and find a good one
CBT- cognitive behavioural therapy-
A cure all, for whatever you’re doing or thinking wrong, recognise it and stop it (within a therapeutic relationship of course)
We’re proudest of this. It turns out you can scientifically prove that if you meet with someone every week and encourage them to act differently, its more effective than both not meeting with someone at all AND better than just meeting with someone to chat and not telling them to act differently!!! –who’d have thought
Dialectic Behavioural therapy-
What do you mean we’re rejecting you by saying what you’re doing or thinking needs to change? Look we’ll give you a little gentle cajoling and tell you to be more self-compassionate, but please change you’re making us feel uncomfortable.
This of course is not to mention our deep fear of having to fill in to many forms if you actually committed suicide successfully, it would mean the temporary decrease in the case load would feel just the opposite!
Care coordinator-
It’s already been established you’re nuts. So this person will be generally in charge of making sure you don’t do things we’re really not OK with, by staying in contact with you and encouraging you to try things that may or may not work. Chin up. Fingers crossed!
WRAP Plan-
Wellness and Recovery Action Plan It makes us and you feel good if you think we’re helping. Trouble is we really don’t know how. So fill in this document so when you’re struggling we can suggest your own ideas (in case you hadn’t thought of them)
Food and Mood –
we’re just checking you’re not really dumb and do realise that you need to eat healthily. As a bonus this is actually real science and might make a real difference if you could implement it. But then we all know this. Most of us don’t eat the wrong stuff due to lack of knowledge. Changing patterns of eating needs more than that
….maybe some CBT then?
Mindfulness –
stop thinking about real stuff, I mean stop ruminating of course. As a good movie once suggested ‘ Be calm as hindu cows as you accept your fate!’
We almost invented a religion such is the dedication of some to the pursuit of this state. Now we can scientifically prove it is a good idea to be aware of your body/ mood thoughts and take note of them a bit. Mixed blessings of course, prior to mindfulness do these things and you’d be accused of thinking too much. What do you mean you don’t take long to notice things and definitely don’t need to be involved in mindful timewasting? What a joker! Next you’ll be suggesting the emperor has no clothes!
Psychotherapy –
OK so you’re really odd! Not sure what to do now. Do you want to tell us a little more about yourself? It’ll fill some time and it mirrors a bit what humans normally do in real life. (Talk to someone about stuff, the other person helpfully listening and offering an outsider’s perspective and wisdom) We don’t like to talk about this treatment too much though cos the roots of it make us all blush. (That’s right it’s the one that is famous because of Freud -the guy who was way too obsessed with sex)
Psych Meds-
I know we taught you drugs are bad. Freaks like you are of course the exception. Please take some mind altering drugs. Science is way off understanding how these things work. But most people find they make them less sad or more chilled so we tend to you encourage experimentation. And if you really upset us we might enforce it! Of course if you experiment with your own we’ll diagnose you with a drug problem.
Recovery
An urban legend that had gained a lot of popularity very quickly The concept that some loons will not always be so and something we might do might help or they could get better on their own as time passes. We all love to dream about this but don’t actually believe it is possible, they may be subdued by meds or chill out for a little while with the self-harm/suicide but these people will always be different/ odd / out of place. They can’t recover from mental illness as there is no such thing. There is a variety of people with different ways of coping and experiencing differing levels of suffering., but then recovery from life may well involve suicide.
Saying goodbye
You don’t want to use our service anymore? You thought we were useless and you’re going to now having exhausted every option take the sane decision to kill yourself. SECTION followed by a community care order for this fruit loop.
You don’t want to use our service anymore in any other format and you’re not immediately going to commit mass homicide/suicide? Phew we we’re running out of ideas. OK we’ll refer you back to your GP pretending like that is a very generous offer on our part. We’ll reassure you that these things are not for anyone everyone
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