not sucidal but killing myself

life-hurts · 15-06-2011, 12:33 AM

Sounds a bit ott right? But really it's not.

My medical situation is such that without staying on meds I will become ill fairly quickly and there will be little if anything they can do past a certain point to help me recover. I WILL die.

I'm not feeling suicidal at the moment but am slipping into a depression again.

When I was feeling a bit up mood wise, I didn't feel I needed to take my meds so stopped taking them, a consultant convinced me to start taking them again, but I struggled then and since to actually take them. I'm taking them less and less and find the act of taking them very stressful and anxiety provoking. The meds produce for negative side effects so this doesn't really make sence.

I don't know why I'm not taking them and I have no idea how to pull myself together and get on with it. I'm meant to at this point conact my consultant again should I have trouble, but I can't, I feel like I'm wasting people's time including my mental health team by raising it, as it will only worry them. They could talk to me for ages about it, I could absolutely agree it is imperative, but I doubt this would transfer nto a change in my behaviour. I feel trapped by myself.

My self harm feelings are increasing and my wish to run away from everything and everyone is huge right now. I feel like I'm being pathetic. Believe it or not I am grateful for the life I've been given. I feel so alone and weird though. My CPN keeps telling me my patterns of mood and behaviour are unusual and thats pissing me of a bit too. I don't mean to not fit into their neat categories. I am down as a recurrent depressive and meant to be on mood stabilisers but don't want to take them either.

I've cancelled two appointments cos I don't want to talk about it.

I don't really know why I'm sharing. I guess I'm hoping in some way I may not be alone, thatsomeone else might understand/ have experienced something similar?

Also please don't have a go at me, but I would welcome positive friendly suggestions of a route forward. My path at the moment seems murky and full of pot holes.

PassedExpectations · 15-06-2011, 02:56 AM

you won't be wasting anyones time by talking about it.... what is wasting their time is avoiding them and not letting them help. helping is what they are there to do, and my bet is that it is quite hard on them to see you struggling and not be let in to do their job and help you.

could you arrange for someone to make sure you take your meds maybe? call and check in with you each day at least.

avoiding problems rarely if ever makes them go away, normally it just lets them grow and fester until they're out of control.

Snow White. · 15-06-2011, 10:18 AM

The above advice is completely correct. As hard as it is, please, pick up the phone and make the call - you need to tell them about this, how you're feeling. Maybe they can help you make sense of it. But that should be your next step forward.

Dolphin · 15-06-2011, 11:23 AM

The above advice is right, you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling...that is, someone who might be able to help. No matter how much positive advice you get on here we're not professionals and can only help you so much.

I know what you mean about wasting peoples time. I've had a persistant problem with my joints that could end up with me being in a wheelchair before I'm 30 if I don't follow the treatment I've been given etc, bit sometimes I just really want to jst 'get on with' my life. The problem with my joints and the way that it felt like nothing was getting better did and still does make me feel depressed, but I know I have to keep going, not just for my sake but because no one who cares about me wants to see me end up in a wheelchair so young.

Not fitting into categories that have been used before means they have to work harder. BUT everyone is unique so don't worry or stress about it :)

Not wanting to talk about it is completely understandable, but sometimes talking about it really does help so please try.

Hope this helps. Best wishes. x

life-hurts · 15-06-2011, 11:30 AM

I have spoken to my GP this morning about it, who will alert my psychiatrist. I didn't mantion my consultant wanted to hear if I wasn't taking the meds. I think my GP exasperated and doesn't know what to do. Maybe she thinks I'm attention seeking. Maybe she's right. I do know I'm not coping and it feels like no one can help. Someone speaking to me each day could possibly help or it could make things worse but it's unlikely to be offered anyway. To be honest I also don't feel like I deserve to be helped and that is making me feel like I don't want to exist anymore. Trouble is there is no way out of it, if I live then I waste peoples time/energy if I die I hurt people. I'm sorry for going on I'm just venting and probably frustrating people here too. I really am sorry and wish I could be a better person and not quite so pathetic.

Thankyou for your encouragement. It means a lot even though it may not sound it.

fragile as glass · 15-06-2011, 01:59 PM

I know I put a reply on the FAA forum to you but it is SO RARE for me to not ''get it''. You were given a gift in life that is so precious and there is a grieving family out there hoping that their son/daughter/husband/wife etc, has saved someone else.

It sounds like you can take other meds prescribed to you but not the anti-rejection ones . Is that right? You need to work out WHY you are doing what you are doing because it is only the knowledge of why we do something that enables us to change our behaviours.

The first paragraph is not me having a go by the way......don't want my head bitten off.

life-hurts · 15-06-2011, 02:31 PM

Just to clarify. I'm struggling with ALL meds. Yes anti rejection but also mood stabilisers, anti anxiety, and symptom control meds. They are currently ALL a problem. I have focused on the antirejection as these are the ones that are freaking me out most.

I am only too aware of the fact that I hold something very precious inside me that with it holds a huge burden of responsibility. I feel so sorry that I can not be a be a decent recipient and live a half decent life that I'd be proud to write and tell the donor family about. But I've given up on this hope, it's not possible I've let them down either way. Now I feel like I'm letting others down by using up NHS resources when I really don't believe that anone/anything can help me. It was hard hearing what you have to say fragile as glass but I know(hope) you're not trying to make me feel worse.

Why this initially all began was that I did not believe I needed to take the meds(illogical I know- but I believed it)

But when I tried to then start taking them again I felt full of distress/anxiety/couldn't do it

As time progresses this is making me in turn feel depressed and like i don't want to be here. So it's even harder to force myself to take them. Plus other self harm increasing as I become angrier and angrier at myself.

fragile as glass · 15-06-2011, 03:01 PM

life-hurts, my style is to tell the truth as I see it, not to be nasty.

Hence my honesty on not understanding why you are behaving as you are.

Making you feel worse isn't going to be as productive as honest so no, what was said was not said to feel worse

Lucy2you · 15-06-2011, 04:25 PM

I don't know what to say, except I can relate. I'm diabetic and I have such a hard time taking basic care of myself. I need to take pills as well, but they don't give me side effects. I just have a really hard time taking care of myself.

life-hurts · 15-06-2011, 09:53 PM

Fragile as glass I understand your frustration in trying to understand me. At the moment it is a frustration I'm feeling myself I'm normally a very logical person and analyse myself well. So wish that was true right now. :(

Lucy2you thanks for sharing your experience. I totally get what you say about having difficulty taking care of yourself. I am so ashamed that the very very are so hard for me. but they are.