Having a rough time *updated*

[lost-in-nowhere]

Hi everyone,

Sorry to be posting pretty much the same as the other day, but I need to get it out.

I'm really struggling at the moment, I'm feeling really depressed and it's been getting so much worse over the last few days. I've been an absolute cow to work with, I've been irrational, angry, snappy or otherwise working in complete silence, pretty much blanking everyone (I'm a chef so we should be working as a team, I shouldn't be snapping) During the quiet times my thoughts have been full of self harm and suicide, I've been imagining my suicide in my head even though I know I wont do it because I could never do that to my daughter, but I know how I'd do it, when etc and it scares me that I'm thinking this way.

I'm sure it's the stupid epilepsy drugs I'm on thats causing it, I was depressed years ago before my daughter was born and I used small OD's as SH, but I was diagnosed with mild epilepsy a few years ago and the meds have dragged me down again. Last year I was put on lamotrigine and it made me moody and I started cutting, told my neuro and was changed to sodium valproate which made me put on weight and my hair started falling out but mentally I felt OK on that, been changed to keppra (levetiracetam) and now I am so depressed I just want to die. Not going to see neuro for another month now and I feel so crap at the moment I just want to quit the meds, but you can't just stop epilepsy meds. I'm going to tell my neuro I want out of the meds all together, I've tried 4 now and they all make me feel like crap adn she said she didn't want to put me on any of the other epilepsy meds. The seizures I was having were nothing compared to feeling so depressed, it's stupid. I'd rather give up my driving licence forever and keep having seizures if it means that I don't cut myself up or plan my own suicide all the time.

Argh. I've had enough of it and I've got no one to talk to, my family wouldn't take me seriously (they brushed off my OD when I was younger as attention seeking) and I only have one friend and I'm not close enough to her to talk to her about this kind of thing.

Ugh, I'm going to go to bed now and try and get my head together, got loads of coursework to do tomorrow and I can't get my head round it at the moment.

Sorry for the rant x

[quiet1]

i'm sorry that you have been feeling so bad lately. is there any way you could go to see your GP about your meds? or make an emergency appointment with the neuro dr? you shouldn't have to suffer for a whole month just because that is your next scheduled appointment.

i wish i could offer something to help you feel better. i do hope you manage to get in touch with the proper people about your meds instead of stopping them yourself. it may be that you need to add a medication to help with the depression side effects as some anticonvulsants are used as mood stabilizers.

i mostly wanted to post to let you know that i read your post and i do care that you are having a difficult time. i saw that no one posted back to you and i know the feeling that leaves is an empty one. please do see medical advice about your situation.

take care.

[tifflehan]

I hope you get the help you need. Take care and pm me anytime. xx

[lost-in-nowhere]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it x

I'm not sure I can get an emergency neuro appointment because my usual neuro has just referred me to a different hospital as we've had no luck so the appointment in July is my first with the new hospital but at least I'll be seeing an actual epilepsy specialist. I'd call my usual hospital but my neuro has just gone on maternity leave so I'd have to see someone I don't know and they'd be reluctant to do anything given that I'll be seeing someone soon.

It's been nice to have some time to myself today as I've not had any for a week with work and my daughter being off school, so the peace is quite nice although I still can't bring myself to do any coursework, but I'll give it another go tomorrow.

I ended up cutting last night, not badly, just scratches really. I feel bad for doing it, but it's quietened down the suicidal thoughts which is at least soemthing. Just hope that some rest today should help.

Thanks again for the replies, hope you're OK x

[tifflehan]

Enjoy the peace and just relax today. xx

[crazykat]

I'm sorry your feeling so bad. In the meantime before you see the neuro do you think you could organise to see your GP and see if they can offer you some kind of support to get you through the next little while. Hold on there, you will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx

[lost-in-nowhere]

I should go and see my GP, but for some reason I really don't want to. It's stupid becasue I'm sure the tablets are causing this, especially after a bit of research on keppra and it's psychological effects, but I don't want them to get annoyed with me because I keep going back to them within weeks of starting new meds saying I can't handle the side effects.

I will definitely tell the new neuro that I want to come straight off keppra and I'm seriously considering coming off anti-epileptics altogether, for me the risks outweigh the benefits at the moment.

Having a break from people the last couple of days has been quite helpful and has calmed me down a fair bit, I'm really struggling with an essay I'm supposed to be writing though which is making me feel pretty useless, especially since I understand everything I've learnt, but I just can't put it on paper.

I'm back to work on Friday (I'm just having a couple of days holiday at the moment) and I'm dreading it, I think I've probably pissed off some of my co-workers so I have to face that, plus I still feel low and don't want a repeat of last week, but oh well, I'll have to deal with it when I get there I suppose.

Just re read what I've written and I think this is all just me moaning, sorry about that. It does feel better out than in though!

[crazykat]

Don't worry about moaning, sometimes it helps to get it all out. I don't think they would be annoyed at you, there is always going to people that don't react well to certain meds. Glad having a bit of a break has helped though. In terms of the essay would it help to break it down into smaller parts or even write down some dot points and work from that? I know it's hard to not worry too much about work but try not to. All the best

[lost-in-nowhere]

Thanks CrazyKat. With the essay I've just started making loads of notes for now, hopefully something will click sooner or later.

I'll see how the next week goes before I decide about the GP, the suicidal thoughts have calmed right down which is a big relief, I think there was too much going on last week and having a couple of days rest has really helped. Still wanting to SH though, but thats better (IMO) than feeling suicidal.

[crazykat]

Good luck with the essay. I am glad the suicidal feelings have passed. In terms of the self-harm thoughts I guess just keep yourself distracted and remember the urges will pass. A great list of distractions can be found here.

[i.am.me]

hey,
how you getting on?
i was wondering when i read through this..are you sure your low mood and depressive symptoms are related to your meds and not actual depression? from reading what you say you sound pretty sad and kinda lonely.
it would be a shame if you had to revert back to having seizures and all other things that relate to epilepsy when your mood could be fixed another way. just a thought.
x

[lost-in-nowhere]

Hi, i.am.me, thanks for the reply,

I have been feeling a bit better over the last few days, I haven't been having any suicidal thoughts, but I have been cutting more than before, I've always been quite careful not to cut deep, to avoid too much scarring but unfortunately this week I went far anough to need steris, which might not sound much to some people, but it is for me. The trouble is, I feel OK during the day (I was even really hyper at work yesterday) then get low at night, which is when I get the opportuntity to cut. Sorry to go into detail, but I have conflicting thoughts going on at the moment, on one hand I never, ever want anyone to find out about this, I couldn't handle people seeing my cuts or scars, but a tiny part of me is screaming out for someone to notice and understand what I'm going through, and tell me it's OK. That will never happen though because I wouldn't let anyone know (apart from on here and when I get the courage to tell my GP again) No one I know would understand, and I couldn't handle people treating me differently because of it.

As for the meds and depression, I still think the meds have a major role to play in this, it feels different to when I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager, or maybe it's just becasue I'm dealing with it differently. I had a quick look on google scholar and found out there is a strong link between epilepsy and psychiatric issues, so maybe it is real depression and not just 'drug-induced' it's difficult because epilepsy drugs are known to cause mood problems. I'll talke to the new neuro about it, they will be epilepsy specialists, so they should know more.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on so much! I have to go to work now though, so I'll pop back later x

[lost-in-nowhere]

I thought I'd just write a little update, got a few things I need to get out in the open.

I've been feeling a bit more positive this week, I've decided that if the neurologist doesn't have any advice re my mood and whether it is epilepsy related or not, then I will see my GP and try and get it sorted.

Been having some image issues, finding it hard with clothes at the moment since everyone seems to be wearing nice stuff and I'm stuck in my scruffy long-sleeved hoodie, can't find or afford anything in my size (I'm not sure if I can say numbers in vets, so I'll go with 'plus size') thats suitable for the summer. I look at myself and I'm a mess, it's bad enough that I'm really overweight, but I look in the mirror and I don't think I look like a normal person, like my face is all mashed up with it's double chin and horrible red complexion. Whenever I go out I feel like a state, I'm so jealous of all the other mums when I go to the school and they're all there looking decent, I just want to hide from everyone.

Well I'm off to bed, I need to be up early x

[lost-in-nowhere]

So low at the moment, I'm so lonely it hurts. It's my own fault though because I don't make the effort to go out and meet people and those people who do try and get to know me, I end up pushing them away. I keep arguing pointlessly with people and they must hate me for it, they will give up trying to be nice to me soon and I don't blame them. I don't know whats up with me, my mood swings in seconds and I'll turn on people for no reason. It's no wonder I'm so lonely. I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me it's OK, but I don't have anyone to do that. Sick of it, I hate feeling so alone.

Think some of the reason I feel so bad is that no one knows whats going on in my head. The only place I have spoken about it is on here. I don't want to talk to anyone else close to me because I don't want people to think I'm attention seeking, like they did when I was younger and I OD'd, no one really believed I was depressed then and they wouldn't now. I don't feel comfortable talking to people face to face about my feelings anyway, I just want someone to understand me.

[lost-in-nowhere]

I know noones been replying to me, but I need to get things out so I'm going to post anyway.

Feeling bad at the moment. Had enough of living with the parents, I'm 25 ffs, I should have my own place, but I can't afford it, too much debt, no family nearby, would have to leave my job because I couldn't get there. So I'm stuck here. Mum is hassle, expects me to provide and cook all my own food (fine by me) do loads of the housework (happy to do my share) but she wants me to clean up after her, but she refuses to clean up anything of mine or my daughters. She wont let me watch what I want on TV, sounds stupid to complain but I pay more than half of rent on the house, pay my own council tax, plus pay housekeeping and I feel like I'm being treated like a 7 year old. She spends most of her time in bed, wont work - she takes the piss, but I have to put up with it because she's depressed. They don't know what I'm going through at the moment, I don't tell them because she would say I'm being stupid, that I don't know what it's like and even if I could prove it, she has to be worse than me, if I get a cold, she gets flu, it's always the same.

Had a wierd thing last night - I think- I think I was looking in the bathroom mirror when I had a simple partial seizure, I got the deja vu and wierd feelingsetc, but today I can't remember if it was real or a dream? I don't remember dreams so I'm assuming it was real and it was the seizure that is affecting my memory, but it's wierd, I don't like not knowing. Also was my first seizure in a while, buit to be honest, I don't care anymore.

Still feeling so lonely. I think I'm stuck with that for the forseeable future though - I might aswell get used to it.

*sigh*