I am not sure if this is the support board that I should be on
My daughter is SI'ing and we have been dealing with it for about a year and I needed somewhere to talk to others in the same sitch. If there is another section of this board or another site that is more helpful, please post.
This is definitely a safe place to talk. I cut and I talk about it here sometimes. Please feel free to Private Message me I am in the same situation its hard on everyone around the person that is harming.
you may find more support in veterans, which is for adults only, so you'd be more likely to find other parents there.....
most of the people on here are self harmers, but i know i've seen a few people in your position as well. and i dunno, maybe we can help you understand it a bit more?
please feel free to send me a message any time though :)
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Thanks for your replies :)
I will check it out here for a bit and check out the veterans board, too.
I am just hurting so much for her and want to do all that I can to help her.
I guess mentally I understand it (did all the research I could find on it!) and I had her in therapy but she didn't respond - well we thought she did but after 7 months in therapy and medication (which she didnt stay consistent with), I just discovered she is SIing again...or never really stopped...?
Not sure where to go from here. Has anyone ever been in an in-patient sitch for this? I feel so at a loss to help....useless really.... :(
Hey sorry for replying so late.
Um im 23 and post in veterans abit too. they are all very nice :)
Ive self harmed since my early teens and maybe of some help in suggesting what you can be doing for her. So feel freee to Private Message me.
In terms of your daughter self harm, it is a coping thing but also in part an addiction. Ive been in psych hospital a few to many times usually as a result of strong self harm or other urges. It might not be the same but all sharps ect were taken form me and i was checked daily for any new injuries. In new Zealand we dont really have much in terms of in-patient for self harm. sorry i cant be much more use.
Maybe look at finding her a new counselor and getting her back on meds- but you giving them to her and making sure she takes them daily? i know its tedious but it can help- i had my neighbor do that for me for quite a while and it actually helped.
The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was CONTINUING MY LIFE when I wanted to die.
Thanks Days for your reponse :) she is actually being more open about talking about it now and expressed today that she'd welcome some sort of residential program to help - she feels she wants to get away to get some intensive help. There are options here across the states. I am afraid that she won't be able to cope with daily, everyday living...unfortunately coping addictions are in our genes *sigh* in various forms for different family members! But thats how addiction works, eh? I do need to monitor the meds better. I don't find it tedious but thought I'd be a "nag" to force them each day...walking on eggshells here, I guess.
I love her so much and want her to be healthy and content!
So do I ask my DD every day if she has SI? I asked her to please get me if she felt the urge and we'd do something...play a game, watch a movie or talk if she needs to...she says talking makes her feel worse. She bottles so much up inside and it takes a toll on her. A few times this year she has called me from school to come and get her because she is crying uncontrollably...
I've been in therapy over the years and told her it always seems to be worse when you finally start expressing but it does get better...
What helps the most? What can I do to be as supportive and not be "the nagging mom" in this sitch?
You sound like a wonderfully caring Mom, I wish my Mum had been so supportive. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her. Yes distractions are great, but personally I didn't want my Mum involved, as much as that hurt her. I was thirteen when I started SHing, I was also anorexic although not-at-deaths-door anorexic if you know what I mean.
I don't know what residential programmes are like in the states, but I've been in two here in the UK and one (rather randomly, it's a long story!) in South Africa. They helped IMMENSLY at the time, but they don't tend to come cheap-- the ones I was in cost £5k a week, and I was in there for about 8 weeks.
Unfortunately I still SH now that I am 24, but have a better relationship with my family now that I am 'grown up' although they all think I am recovered.
I don't have any wonderful advise I'm afraid other than to keep doing what you are doing and to be as open as possible with her.
Hi angel,
If I may ask, why did you not want your mum involved? I am hoping my DD wants me to help...and I am not making things worse by trying...?
Yes, i know the residential programs are $$$$$$$ - hoping that our insurance may cover some of it, as long as we go about it the right way (red tape, rules, etc)
Hey, no worries... when my Mum first found out about my SI, she then went and scratched her arms and said basically 'look what you've made me do'. I have a sneaky suspicion that she suffers from depression/ED herself and we just didn't have a good relationship. When I first started losing (a lot of) weight she used to threaten me with going to the Dr like it was the worst thing in the world, and I am resentful of that now.
My first residential place was covered by insurance :) and again I know this is UK so different but it also paid for me to see someone from the centre as an out-patient once a week for a year.
You sound like a really supportive Mum, your daughter is lucky to have you.
I wish I could speak to my Mum about these things (even though I am 25 lol) but unfortunately my Mum has to be the worst health-wise, so If one of us has a cold, she has flu; if someone has a cough, she has bronchitis. She actually suffers with depression, but I don't want to tell her about mine, as it'll become some kind of sick competition, so there's no way I could ever tell her I SH.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can, good luck to you and your daughter x
Hold your breath, count to ten, fall apart, start again...
So do I ask my DD every day if she has SI? I asked her to please get me if she felt the urge and we'd do something...play a game, watch a movie or talk if she needs to...she says talking makes her feel worse. She bottles so much up inside and it takes a toll on her. A few times this year she has called me from school to come and get her because she is crying uncontrollably...
I've been in therapy over the years and told her it always seems to be worse when you finally start expressing but it does get better...
What helps the most? What can I do to be as supportive and not be "the nagging mom" in this sitch?
Might it help her more if you help her to distract herself? When she's stuck in a really low/triggered mood she might find it more helpful/useful to do something else... not talk about why. Maybe she needs to feel a bit better in herself before talking is helpful/possible? I know when I've felt really bad in the past talking about it there and then was difficult and made me feel worse... When I was younger my mum would just spend some time with me, free of any pressure to talk but say that if I wanted to talk I could. Not being under any pressure to talk about the SI or anything else made our relationship a lot easier.
Don't know if that makes any sense at all. Just wanted to say that putting pressure on your daughter to talk may not be helpful at all. Give her the chance to talk if she wants to but also just let her not talk if she doesn't want to. Might help her if you plan some nice things to do together without it being anything to do with issues... My mum and I used to spend time listening to music with scented candles and she'd massage my back. Gave me some quiet time away from everything, helped me relax and gave me the chance to talk if I wanted to, but also the chance just to sit quietly without pressure if that was what I wanted.
Hope that helps. Feel free to ignore if not. Different things work for different people. =)
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future
that year by year recedes before us.
It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we
will run faster, stretch out our arms further...
And one fine morning - So we beat on, boats against the current,
borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Just wanted to add, you say she wasn't responding to therapy after 7 months because she was still self-harming, I'm sure you know this, but that doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't working, sometimes it takes a lot to actually be ready to try and quit. I'm sure your daughter would appreciate you doing lots of research :)
You sound like you're very supportive and willing to do whatever she needs.
Let the Force be with you
I'm not short, I'm space efficient
Hi, I came across a book called "Helping Teens who Cut" and it helped me to understand a bit more about SI. I try to remember that if my daughter's feeling like SI-ing she's feeling critical about something in herself, (usually) so I try to be positive and help her feel the good things about herself too. Also it helps if she can know that she needs to find ways to wind down and sooth herself, so maybe you can help her figure out what works for her. Lemon popsicles have helped in our house! (Especially if delivered to her with lots of love.) And a really good therapist if you're lucky enough to find one! Most important, can you get some support for YOU? You'll be better able to support your daughter if you have some help processing everything. At least that's my experience. One big question that may or may not apply, but are you aware of anything that may have traumatized your daughter and perhaps started the SI? Long term it might be good to address that possibility.
Good luck to both of you! You can message me if you like.
I'm sure understanding it is one of the hardest part for parents, I know mine really didn't when I was a kid. It really turns into an addiction, just like alcohol or drugs. Even after you make the commitment to yourself to stop, it constantly comes back. The urge for it is so hard to stop. But everyone is so different, that it's hard to know what to do as a parent. Some kids will stop after showing them that you love them and will do anything to help and some have to have more serious treatments, like spending time at a hospital. I really hope you help her through this.
And please, always be there for her even when it gets overwhelming for you. You and your daughter are in my heart <3lo54b
she's really lucky to have someone like you as a mum, my parents dont know about me, but they know my friend does and they dont understand it which is why i havent told them.
it's complicated to understand, but i hope you're able to talk to each other, but dont push her into talking if she doesnt want to though
i hope she gets better soon, it sounds like your doing everything you can to help her :)
feel free to pm me if you have any questions
'Im finding me out, im having my doubts, im losing the best of me
dressed up as myself, to live in the shadow, of who im supposed to be'
'I know how i feel, But im afraid to show it
Inside its so real, But no one else would know it'
So do I ask my DD every day if she has SI? I asked her to please get me if she felt the urge and we'd do something...play a game, watch a movie or talk if she needs to...she says talking makes her feel worse. She bottles so much up inside and it takes a toll on her. A few times this year she has called me from school to come and get her because she is crying uncontrollably...
I've been in therapy over the years and told her it always seems to be worse when you finally start expressing but it does get better...
What helps the most? What can I do to be as supportive and not be "the nagging mom" in this sitch?
Hey, I'm Bee, 19 y/o and I have been harming for 6-7 years, i'm not really sure.
First off, I admire you for wanting so badly to help your daughter and being so supportive. I think it would be making my journey a lot easier if my mother had supported me.
Anyway...
It sounds already like you have a fairly amazing relationship with your daughter and that is the best start. The fact that she has been able to call you to come and get you shows that she trusts you to help her.
I'm not sure what your family dynamics are like or anything like that but if your DD doesn't like talking then simply being there for her is the most important thing. Also I'm not sure about her, but if I had someone asking me all the time if I had SI'd, I would have felt like I was being controlled.
All of those things you mentioned to distract her are really good, maybe to add to the list is a walk?
And do you have any pets that she could play with? They are incredibly good for their therapeutic value.
Please, please, PLEASE don't let her be put off by a bad experience with a therapist. It took me 3 before I found a good fit for me and all of my baggage. She has the right to not go back to that therapist again and to ask for a new one. If she isn't comfortable, it won't help her.
You know Your DD the best and you can only try our advice, and find what works.
Anyway, Wishing you the best of luck with her and remember to keep yourself healthy, you matter too.
Message me anytime you want.
Bee. xxx
From Nymph to Dragonfly, I know my place.
Call me Bee. =) Like it or Lump it.
‘Cause the passion and pain are gonna keep you alive someday
wow, you are an amazing mother! when my dad found out he threw me around the house calling me ****ing psychotic and said he'd have to sleep with one eye open cause he thought i'd go nuts and kill him. my mother just called me disgusting and cried. i think i would have liked a mother like you!
i don't have much more to add other than to reinstate the fact that... unfortunately if she herself isn't ready to quit...then she won't quit. have you asked her if she really wants to stop or have you just said we'll get you some help? i'm sure she appreciates the help and is relieved by it but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to stop sh-ing. also, its said that the amount of time you've been digging yourself into something like this, it takes at least half that time to dig out.
although i've never personally been to in patient, i have heard that sometimes it does more bad than good? but one should form opinions on own experiences i think. all the best of luck, you really are doing a great job, don't be so hard on yourself!
