nothing left - Page 3

Revival · 28-05-2011, 12:00 AM

I'm so sorry that I havent been here for you sweetheart, and that you're having such a rough time of things. I know you won't believe me when I say that you are strong, but you are hun, and you will get through this and be happy. I know it doesnt feel that way, but you know that I dont lie ok?

Please please keep hanging in there. I know it hurts but you can do this. Just take it one day at a time, or even just an hour or a minute.

I love you.

lozza · 28-05-2011, 03:11 AM

sorry everyone for worrying you.

wasnt feeling safe and I promised isabelle I would either call my d&a worker or GP yesterday arvo if I was feeling worse... but in the end I just couldnt do it - sorry hun:(

ended up in bed quite early cuz I knew if I stayed up I wouldnt be safe.

ended up being woken up by a resident at 11pm (they decided to do their vaccuming then!) then early hrs of this morning some fuck witt decided to ring the door bell for several minutes. they came back at 3am-3.30am and this time rang the door bell continuously for a whole hour..

so yeh was feeling badly and I disocciated and I was feeling so small and scared and it was a horrible horrible night *cries*

and today.... ummmmm

am fine and great and all good?
not sure anyone will believe me but I dont know

my head is a mess :(

lozza · 28-05-2011, 11:52 AM

cant. cant. cant. cant do this anymore.

called my pdoc. all she said was that it was normal I was feeling this way? ummmm how do I keep safe though? maybe I should just attempt again cuz I do not fucking care anymore

I just want this to be over
I do not care how.... I just need it to be.

dontwantyoutoknow · 28-05-2011, 06:52 PM

I love you Loz x

lozza · 29-05-2011, 02:52 AM

worker checked on me this morning when she got in after 11am... I was still in bed.

I couldnt tell her anything, right now do not see the point.

my ankle is killing me... I rolled it as I was walking to my room late yesterday arvo.... the ball part on the side is so swollen, its like a mini balloon!!!

there was a change in shift today... meaning my key worker is on even though she is not meant to... it is making me feel even more anxious and scared.

I just, I dont know anymore. I wish I was seeing my counsellor tomorrow but I am not, that is making me feel worse.

I just want to take a handful of pills and sleep and everytime I awake just keep taking them and taking them.

I dont see a point to life anymore.

I am lost and confused and I just need out.

lozza · 30-05-2011, 06:11 AM

even if I wanted to see my counsellor I cant as she has taken the week off to study for exams...

I did see my pdoc though, not that it helped much...

do not know how I am feeling right now but something isnt right and I just know its gonna end badly :(

thanks though isabelle... thanks for reminding me I am not alone

talaiporia · 31-05-2011, 04:52 AM

How are you feeling now?
Is there anyone else you could see/talk to?

jonikd · 31-05-2011, 11:20 AM

LOZZA! *walks with you along the river in the sun and chats, and gets you *

lozza · 31-05-2011, 11:22 PM

not good... again :(

got 2nd part of DBT assessment today... wish me luck

....a worker just got in too, asked how I was...I could only really mumble... she asked if I was around today I said no I had to go to melb (for DBT) she asked if I'd be back in arvo I said maybe... she wants to catch up then... hmmmmm :s

dontwantyoutoknow · 01-06-2011, 11:47 AM

Good luck honey. Keep us updated. You're amazing and special and I love you for always xx

Zurg · 01-06-2011, 09:33 PM

I know it's hard, Lozza, but you really need to try and open up when someone asks you how you are. If you feel un-safe then try to say so. Remember you don't have to go into detail if you don't feel able to, but just sometimes it helps that someone who is physically close to you knows how you are feeling.... It's ok to say that you feel bad but don't feel like talking. Just to have someone know, to say it out loud, can be a relief.....

jonikd · 02-06-2011, 10:17 AM

*agrees with Zurg*

How'd you get on hunni? x

lozza · 03-06-2011, 04:46 AM

cant even talk right now sorry will come back when am able to verbalise stuff

jonikd · 04-06-2011, 09:23 AM

*hugs close*

Revival · 04-06-2011, 10:14 AM

thinking of you sweetheart xox

lozza · 06-06-2011, 04:07 AM

not feeling good or ok at all.

I saw my counsellor, V, today and it was horrible. I was so close to tears and I did talk a bit.... but its just so so hard. And thanks to the stupid public holiday next week I have one less week to try and say goodbye :s

I cant do this I cant. I dont wana do DBT anymore. I cant stop seeing V I cant:s

its too hard and I dont want to be living anymore.

crazykat · 06-06-2011, 04:13 AM

I know it's hard but you will get through this sweetheart. I believe in you xxx

lozza · 07-06-2011, 03:25 AM

I saw L my d&a counsellor before... she was so angry about something I told her.

I just want to cut my arm up to shreds. I feel so numb its frightening.

I dont care right now about anything. I just wana give up.

talaiporia · 07-06-2011, 08:09 AM

Are you sure you're safe? What's going on?

lozza · 08-06-2011, 10:39 PM

tbh honest I do not know anymore... i really really do not know :(

gota leave shortly to travel to melb to see DBT psychologist... scared about that cuz yesterday I msgd her asking if I could talk about some stuff... lol I asked her I bloody asked her!!!!

she replied by saying of course I could... it was my time, my session..

feel so stupid now but she is still a new person (today will be session 3 and well I see her for DBT and I dont know what DBT sessions are meant to look like *cries*

gota go get ready now.
I hope it rains when I am driving home. just one reason for me to crash... please please please?

head is so loud atm:(