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Intro
Name is Barbara. I am 48 years old and have just recently graduated from college with an associates in business administation. I'm planning on pursuing a paralegal degree in the fall.
Today is Memorial Day and I had a nice time at a picnic with my friend and her family. It was nice like I said but I can't go to sleep. Lately I don't want to go to bed at night an can't get up in the morning. Seems that everything has come to a stand still in my life. Without the responsibilities of school I haven't much to do to fill my days. And I always get this lonely and depressed feeling after a holiday event. I enjoy being with people, don't get me wrong, but I always dread the let down feeling when I have to finally come home to my empty apartment.
I feel like I may be decompenating into depression. I mean, I have feelings of selfharm or suicide, but not really strong feelings. I guess i just need a listening ear or a feeling that someone out there knows i exist right now at this moment.
I have a really big family but I never see or hear from them. I have a sister that I was once very close with but she has since dropped out of my life for almost 2 years now. I mean, I'm doing fine without her but there is a hole left in my heart left by her that I just can't seem to fill. I know I just need to let go but it is easier said than done.
I've been trying so hard to find a job for the summer but have been very disappointed with the response that I have gotten. I applied to over 15 different places and had only one response. It is just so discouraging to me.
I have a really good friend that is very supportive to me but I feel like I depend on her way too much and I'm afraid I may be too much of a burden for her.
It scares me a little because I haven't felt quite this low for quite a while. I have been living independently for about 7 years now and it has not been an easy go of it. I've actually been able to stay out of a hospital for 5 months now which for me is a record. I just don't want to take any steps backward. I guess that's why I'm here spilling my thoughts to whom ever will here and listen.
I really hope that I will be able to get through this summer without totally losing it. I just feel so alone right now. It's very late or early, whichever way you look at it. 3 AM. and i just can't sleep. I'm not even tired after taking my medication for the night. Usually I can't last more than 30 minutes after i've taken my medication.
Anyway, hope i will find some support here. I really need a friend or two.
Chat later?
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