thanks JK and so sorry I have been unable to contact you. things are just a mess and crazy and I just dont know anything anymore.
I dont remember what happened last night. I went to bed very early and next thing I knew I was sitting up in bed with a worker asking me endlessly if I was ok and then if I was sure I was ok...
I didnt wanna get out of bed this morning but I had to work so I had too. I think re-reading all that stuff my pdoc wrote has been making things worse. self harm is completely out of control and I dont even care that my arm is fast turning into a mess
I dont want to go to work. I want to hide in a corner somewhere and just cut again and again and again. I dont care anymore. I dont care.
assessment with a clinical psychologist on wednesday at the DBT place. why though? why why why??
what can I achieve from now until then?
fuck L is going to kill me next tuesday... I am already thinking of cancelling
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
I'm so sorry that I haven't been here for you sweetheart, and that I don't have any advice right now. Just look at how far you've come, how much you've been through and the fact that you have survived, and you can continue to survive. It's not easy but you can endure this and come out the other side, I promise you. I love you.
hey Loz that's not fair! I'm struggling at the moment yes, but also hold down a good fulltime job, own my own home , have a bunch of awesome friends, a wee niece and new nephew on the way, and a goddaughter I adore. There are times when life really sux, and sometimes there's no respite from that, but there are also moments that take your breath away that make it worth it, and there are times ahead of you where you'll feel real love and pride and happiness. You know the trick is its not all the time, you just embrace the moments when they do come along and they're enough to keep you going.
As you get older there are more moments. My 4yr old God-daughter kicked the ball at soccer today - just once in 4 games - but it was the proudest happiest moment of my weekend.
Find something that matters inside of you, and hang on to the feeling it gives you, don't rely on a person or people but rather how you can feel which at the end of the day is within you, and only you.
I don't know what to say to you, I haven't really known for the last year or so we've been chatting tbh. But I do know life isworth it and I believe you know it too.
I know I have all of you and I thank each and everyone of you for that... but I just dont know what I am doing anymore.
It is almost midnight here and I cant even sleep and I took like more meds than what I was supposed too (missed my lunch time dose so figured why not take that and my night ones together in the hope I may actually get some sleep tonight) but I cant sleep and the only thing on my mind is to cut again and again and again.
I just dont know what I am doing anymore and a big part doesnt care.
I mean sure I will be starting DBT soon but what if I dont make it that far?
right now I am not living, I am barely surviving and I hate people seeing me like this.
I just. I dont know!!!
I am tired and exhausted but at the same time cannot switch off.
I dont know how the next few hours will turn out but I just know it will not be good :s
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Try and distract yourself until you can sleep, could you curl up in bed or on the couch with a movie? Hold on hun, you are stronger than you think. Here if you need to talk
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
yeh been IP 3 times over the last few yrs but my pdoc doesnt like admitting me unless its a last resort and I never ever wana go back :(
(wasnt a bad experience or that I just hate being away from the outside world and being so far away from everything)
I am just sitting here staring at my laptop screen thinking why I just dont turn it off and just listen to her. I know I can sleep if I listen to her but if I listen my GP will kill me cuz I have already slipped up again since seeing her on wed and I know she wont be happy about it at all :(
gah I hate being rational and thinking things through:(
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
I agree with Kat and Isabelle hun, I really think you need to think about IP, you cant keep going like this. I love you heaps and I really hope that you'll be able to take care of yourself and make the right choice.
Please be kind to yourself, you deserve better than this xx
i cant and I wont go back there I wont. And besides I cant be IP to do the DBT program so I have no choice but to stay out... I think??
finally got some hrs sleep but it was broken sleep. I havnt done anything yet and within an hour we are going out for a bit so am trying to think about that right now.
thanks so much for last night isabelle and thank you for everything ally. I am very glad to see you around again :)
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
I wish I could but I cant. I have only been back at work for 2 weeks and you dont see my supervisors face light up every friday that I show up to work. I cant worry her again. And being IP does not help me. If anything it makes me worse and you can even ask my pdoc that cuz she agrees, it says so in the letters she wrote and faxed to my GP and other relevant people...
sorry if I am seeming impossible right now. I just cant be here. I cant seem to be anywhere right now.
I am so paranoid over the smallest things. I cant do it
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
I don't think we've ever spoken but i wanted to reply to this because i sense how much you're hurting.
I know you feel like giving up. I know everything hurts and you're in despair. But it is not your time to go yet. I have been where you are. Few people expected me to make it through alive. But i did. My body is ruined from scars and my mind is a mess often but i survived. I made it out of that place of no hope. And i know you can too.
There is so much more to life than pain and grief. And i think you should stick around to allow yourself to see that. Because the night will come to an end. Do your best with what you have. Talk to people and let them in and let them help you. You are not as alone as you feel. You are not unimportant. And there is a life waiting for you with good things in it.
It is hard, i know. When you feel like there's no hope and you just wanna destroy yourself completely because it seems like the only sensible thing to do. But you do not deserve to hurt and bleed. You do not deserve to punish yourself. You're a good person. All the people who have written to you on this thread proves that. You're a valid person and you deserve to make it through this darkness and have a good future.
When there is darkness all around you, try to carry a bit of light in your heart. You are not alone and unloved. You mean the world to some people and should you die you'll leave a hole in them that can never be filled again.
Be gentle with yourself. Try to open up as much as you can. Talking is to face the demons and facing them is the way to get out of the dark.
I don't think we've ever spoken but i wanted to reply to this because i sense how much you're hurting.
I know you feel like giving up. I know everything hurts and you're in despair. But it is not your time to go yet. I have been where you are. Few people expected me to make it through alive. But i did. My body is ruined from scars and my mind is a mess often but i survived. I made it out of that place of no hope. And i know you can too.
There is so much more to life than pain and grief. And i think you should stick around to allow yourself to see that. Because the night will come to an end. Do your best with what you have. Talk to people and let them in and let them help you. You are not as alone as you feel. You are not unimportant. And there is a life waiting for you with good things in it.
It is hard, i know. When you feel like there's no hope and you just wanna destroy yourself completely because it seems like the only sensible thing to do. But you do not deserve to hurt and bleed. You do not deserve to punish yourself. You're a good person. All the people who have written to you on this thread proves that. You're a valid person and you deserve to make it through this darkness and have a good future.
When there is darkness all around you, try to carry a bit of light in your heart. You are not alone and unloved. You mean the world to some people and should you die you'll leave a hole in them that can never be filled again.
Be gentle with yourself. Try to open up as much as you can. Talking is to face the demons and facing them is the way to get out of the dark.
I am crying right now... its good tears though. Thank you!
I am feeling a bit more positive today, hence being able to really read what you wrote but then I think thats cuz I had a good session with my counsellor this morning. But I know it wont last but I am trying to fight right now.
but thankyou for your reply and sharing such insight. It makes me that lil more hopeful so thank you.
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
And everyone else on this thread by the sound of it 
