you asked me yesterday what was happening for me.... you said I sounded upset but I couldnt tell you why.
you were right though, I was crying because it felt like you werent fighting with me anymore, you instead were passing me on.
I dont know if I can tell you this when I call you back later on. hence writing it here....
I had to tell someone.
I am sorry
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
When you said I was a "f***ing little girl trying to be an adult." it really hurt. Is that really what you think of me? And FYI just because you have a "set of balls" it doesn't make you any better than me.
Last edited by Kimaru : 19-05-2011 at 05:53 AM.
Reason: grammar
"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
You were drinking again mom. And now I have to worry about dad drinking when he comes home too. I’m so tired. I feel like I’m drowning. Now my little sister is developing an ED, she’s 12 and wants to weigh 80 pounds. She’s terrified of being fat, and afraid of eating an apple. But you can’t deal with it, so I’m the parent again. I have to make sure she eats enough everyday. And I just can’t take this anymore. Everything is so chaotic.
Nick - im going to get better for me. proving you wrong is just a bonus
It's killing me too
It's so wrong not to be with you
It's getting harder to stay awake It's killing me too
It stops my heart just to be with you
So listen cause you are the only one who cares to hear
It's killing me too
It's so wrong not to be with you
It's getting harder to stay awake It's killing me too
It stops my heart just to be with you
So listen cause you are the only one who cares to hear
It's killing me too
It's so wrong not to be with you
It's getting harder to stay awake It's killing me too
It stops my heart just to be with you
So listen cause you are the only one who cares to hear
M: i miss you and i havent even met you yet. Regardless have fun in NJ and i'll hopefully hear rad stories when you get back home.
mom: i was almost raped, and you know that. Quit saying I enjoyed it. Quit letting that pathetic excuse of flesh come over. Yeah sure he's harmless when my little brother is around, but I have feelings too. No he's not going to hurt me but he puts me in a bad space mentally. I wish you would understand that. I wish you would try. For once.
rach: you left me. your husband used me practically. im not nearly as disturbing as you think. i am not sick and i will prove you wrong.
your tears dont fall they crash around me- bullet for my valentine.
Eating makes me sleepy. Not eating makes me sleepy. I cannot concentrate now. FFS. Do you know how hard this is? And now your going to leave me to it because of how hard I am trying.
Talk about fucked overwhatever you do..
I want to punch you in the face.
I want somebody who wants me for me.
I want to have a normal relationship for once, once that I dont come out of damaged, or at least if I come out damaged, in a normal way "He doesnt love me, cheated, etc etc" not for all the fucked up reasons I have so far.
We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.
I haven't stopped, i know you want me to but i just can't, maybe i will some day but not now, ist too much. I lied and hurt you and you think i stopped such a long time ago, i haven't but its not your fault. You couldnt of stopped me because im such a good liar now that you never know, you never see and never will. But its not your fault.
You told me to not come on here, i actually listened to you, i know you dont believe me but this is the first time in ages just so i can tell you this. I know you try and understand and you try hard, i appreciate this but you never will, no one ever will. You told me that i'm not alone but you just dont understand that i am. What i dont understand is how you dont understand that i am alone?
I cant deal with life anymore, i love you so much but one day i will have the courage to leave, you should know that the only reason i stay is because i know how much i will hurt you if i leave. I dont want to hurt people anymore, you will find other when im gone, the hurt will leave soon.
I need you to know that im so sorry for how much ive hurt you, i will hurt you less if i go, so that will be soon. Im sorry remember i love you and always will.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I dreamed we were running from a train, just running and running and running, and we found an alcove, and we huddled and huddled.
And I felt so safe there.
So secure.
And I don't even know you.
i need to move on in my life. i need to get over this. i need to give it up. i'm talking to someone who's not there. this is my escape, but it's not real. i write on here and hope - but it's just that: a hope. the things i want won't ever be. the answers i'm looking for will probably never be there. you don't care. you're not going to talk to me. why am i talking to you?
i loved.
i lost.
it hurts.
i will still cry. i wish with all i have left right now that we would have ended on different terms. that when you said we'd always stay friends and you wouldn't cut me out of your life, it would have been truthful. we could have still talked. it didn't need to go anywhere else - that would have been something. i could respect you if you would have respected me. we could have still been there for each other as friends. i love you. not in the same way we used to - but i love you all the same. my heart still hurts more than you'll ever know, knowing what i had and no longer do. i don't want to be in a relationship again - there is no possible way i can have what we had then, now. but i wish we could have stayed friends. i really tried in every way i could. the things you said haven't come true. the promises that you'd be there when i needed you, and that you wanted to stay friends, that you wouldn't cut me out of your life; everything turned out totally different. you never even tried. you never once stuck to your word. i stuck to mine.
any respect i have you for left. there is no trust. there is no love. there is nothing. all the time i wonder if it was ever there? that scares me more than anyone can ever know.
memories hurt me every night and day. flashbacks. so real and hurtful. thousands of dollars of therapy that didn't help. you left me with so much. do you even know? you have to. you come on here and read it. but as you said - it's in secret. nothing is answered, i only get more confused with each post. you don't try to help. everything is scattered and mixed. and it's not even clear is it's too me (though i assume some of it is). you don't make any effort to contact me. i feel like i can't move on with my life until i get a chance to figure out why. but i can't. you won't give me the chance to say goodbye. you left me hanging, waiting, for when enough time had passed that we could talk again. you said you needed a little time away. 8 months.
how much is a little time. if you're gone from my life forever, at least be straight with me. tell me you never want to hear from me again. if you don't want to hear from me again - stop haunting me.
i wish we could talk about what happened.
i want to move on.
i hope you read this.
i hope you actually speak to me through something other than this forum.
i hope you can do this one thing for me.
Today is my last day on Earth. I'm glad, you made me happy these past few weeks.. But it's too much for me, the pressure, the stress and being unable to control my drinking.. I'm done. No more tears and no more pain.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me.
