nothing left

lozza · 08-05-2011, 03:20 AM

when I think back.... they didnt even care about me. It didnt matter how much money they had to spend on jackie to keep her alive for that little bit longer... they did it - in an instant. But that morning when she could barely breathe they pretended to not hear. The coughing and more coughing and more... just so she could breathe in and have some air in her lungs... but it wasnt enough. She couldnt fight for a second longer...

***

when my friends mum tried talking to mum, she wouldnt listen. She refused to believe that me, her baby girl was slowly dying inside and that I needed help. It wasnt until the surgeon almost didnt let me go home after surgery cuz he saw my scars and thought my own parents were abusing me.

haha - funny thought that!

***

and now.... and now I am killing myself inside cuz I cannot do this anymore. I dont want to. please, please just let me be with jackie now please!

and a therapy -DBT- could really help me but no, "its too expensive, the hospital admissions never helped.... so why should this?"

but I am breaking down inside. Arent parents meant to give up their world to help save their kids life? Well I am dying inside and its like they dont even care anymore....
that they have lost hope - well so have I!!!!!

I dont want to be living anymore. I cant. I am exhausted. I just need death. No more breathing.... I need rest and to be at peace.

maybe they will be happy then? I dont know???
a funeral is sure to cost more than DBT (maybe) but at least it will be a final cost for them to produce. At least after paying.... they will know that they will never have to give me anything ever again?

I dont want to be here anymore.

high.hopes · 08-05-2011, 09:13 AM

Hey Lozza,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad right now... I don't have a great deal of advice and i can see that you're really struggling right now but what about your friend? How would she feel about you giving up?

Please tell me to just piss off... I'm just not sure that she'd want you giving up?

Also, it doesn't sound like your parents are being a great deal of help at the moment. Is there anybody else you feel that you may be able to speak with and get some more support?

Kia, <3

dontwantyoutoknow · 08-05-2011, 02:00 PM

Loz, I don't have words. I really don't. I wish I did. But please hang on. I need you so bad. I care.

Is there any way you could get social funding for your DBT?

xx

crazykat · 08-05-2011, 02:18 PM

Sweetheart I'm sorry your struggling sweetheart, if I could fix it for you I would. It must be hard to have your parents be so ignorant about your mental health, but don't let this make you lose hope. You are worth it sweetheart, you have made it through alot lately which proves how strong you are. Can you talk to your counsellor or youth worker maybe because you are living in supported accommodation and not with your parents there may be some kind of funding out there. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I do care about you. Take care
Kat xxx

lozza · 09-05-2011, 03:54 AM

thanks guys. sorry I wish I could say that I slept on it and am feeling much better now but I am not.
...I just, I dont know what to do anymore:s

saw my counsellor this morning... and the way she was talking she sounded happy for me to do DBT as it would mean finally being rid of me. I mean come on... she asked me if I had a starting date for it and when I said no but the waiting list was like a month she sounded happy that we may only have 4 sessions left with each other *cries*

I emailed what I wrote to my helpline counsellor too... a supervisor replied asking about my immediate safety. I have yet to reply but I am trying to make myself call the helpline this afternoon and talk to my other counsellor I have there.

I just feel so cold and numb inside. Like there is nothing in me left? yesterday we went out (a worker, resident and me) and the place we went to was like less than an hours drive from where my abuser lives:s I have not been out that way in years and I know my disguise I had on was pretty damn good but I was shaking inside with fear and had to keep msging a friend to try help ground me:s

I also brought something up with my dad the other night and consequently can see quite clearly now that I was really left out as I was growing up, my parents did everything with my older sis and younger bro but me.... nothing:(

I am just over this so much. I am hurting and I just need the pain to be gone and over. never to hurt me again. I will finally be safe then i think?

crazykat · 09-05-2011, 11:43 AM

Sweetheart I doubt your counsellor is wanting to get rid of you, she is probably just happy because she feels that DBT could very well be the thing that really helps you.

Did you end up calling the helpline sweetheart? Also do you think you could talk to the worker about what you went through when you went out so that they can help you work through the feelings it has brought up for you. Please hold on there sweetheart because you are worth it

lozza · 10-05-2011, 04:14 AM

Yes I did call the helpline. My 2nd counsellor from there, N was really lovely but tried making me promise I would really talk to my D&A worker this morning and then this arvo I would call N back....

I had very little sleep last night. But I was so exhausted I could not move. It was like I was in some kind of state drifting in and out of consciousnous? not sure how else to explaing it:s

saw my D&A worker this morning and it was very hard. Again I had to promise I'd be safe until our next session, only this time we wrote a contract and I had to sign it:s ....still not sure how I am feeling about this but I am trying my hardest to stop ella in her tracks yet again.

After getting back home I asked to talk to my key worker here at the house but she was busy and wont be able to talk till later this arvo (ella is loving this

)

also yesterday when I saw my counsellor V, she said that she had actually been doing DBT stuff with me in session but I didnt really use it??? I dont know. So close to the edge and dont know what else I have to hold onto

thanks for the replies though. They help me see that I am not alone, no matter how lonely I may be feeling right now, so thank you!

talaiporia · 14-05-2011, 08:05 PM

How are you doing today?

lozza · 15-05-2011, 03:52 AM

fighting. struggling. falling.

I didnt come out of my room yesterday and I dont think I can today.
want to cancel my apt with my counsellor tomorrow. dont want to see her, she doesnt care. I dont either

lozza · 16-05-2011, 08:27 AM

thank you everyone and isabelle:)

I got up early and left for the city this morning but before I went in to see my counsellor I completely freaked out. I tried calling a few friends but no one answered and then I tried to call L my d&a worker who was also unavailable. I went into the waiting room shaking like crazy and so tried calling another friend again - thankfully she answered but told me she couldnt really talk:s

went back into the waiting room and came so close to grabbing my bag and walking out. Was too slow though cuz V, my counsellor came out to get me before I managed to leave :(

the apt was horrible. I was barely able to speak and the first 30mins were complete silence:(
....in the end I did get a few words out but it was hard. i had to write most of it :( stupid dick head!

After the apt I had to see my pdoc. It was hard again. I now have an assessment apt for the DBT centre she is sending me too:s

and me.... how am I feeling?
I want to cut and this time not stop.
I want others to finally see how badly I am hurting.
I am not ok.
I feel lost alone and confused.

I just want them to see me for how I am right now.
I just want them to finally see me.

talaiporia · 16-05-2011, 02:32 PM

Oh dear, I'm sorry things didn't go very well.
Maybe you could try writing them a letter explaining everything that's going on?

dontwantyoutoknow · 16-05-2011, 07:33 PM

love you Loz xxxxx

lozza · 17-05-2011, 08:28 AM

I dont know how it happened
what do you mean? of course you fucking know you fat cow. you did it to yourself. you did it all to yourself. you did it. no one else. it was all fucking you!!!!
I cut quite badly this morning. I wasnt even planning to show my gp L but she asked to see my arm and it didnt matter how much I told her no and to back off, she still grabbed my arm, pulled up my cardi, and took the dressing off to inspect. and well after that it was to the treatment room where she closed the wound with stitches :(

and I dont even know what triggered me. I had a sleepless night yeh and woke up feeling very unsafe but I was ok... I think??

but I hurt myself so maybe I wasnt? I dont know.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : SH trigger

I dont know anymore!!!! listen to me. I am a fucking freak.

I have all the help in the world but I cant help myself. something is still missing.

and its killing me. it is killing me.

it is just killing me.

dontwantyoutoknow · 17-05-2011, 10:37 PM

Loz, I love you so much. Please leave those stitches in, and keep distracted until you see dr again.

You're not a freak and you're not fat. I promise you.

xx

lozza · 17-05-2011, 11:33 PM

see her in like 40mins. I just want to go back to bed. why do I keep fighting? please.... why the hell do I even try?

I know exactly how today is going to end but I am too scared to tell anyone. I have written L a letter which I will let her read and in it it says I just want to keep hurting myself :s but I dont know... what can she do to help? if my tools are gotten rid of I will just go out and get more, I need too. I need to finish this.

fuck I am scared.
why this? why me?

I dont like this way I am feeling at all :s

talaiporia · 18-05-2011, 02:30 AM

How'd it go?
Please do keep fighting. You can get through this and there are so many people here who care about you.

lozza · 18-05-2011, 03:43 AM

apart from her running behind so early in the morning the apt was okish and I was very happy the fact she didnt ask to see my arm :)

she photo copied and gave me what my pdoc sent to her (which was also sent to the DBT place I am going to) I have re-read through it all so many times right now and it has made me feel worse

'troubled young lady' 'on going suicide risk' 'increasing self harm' 'inability to tolerate being alone' 'mood has continued to deteriorate'

is all that really me? is it really??

now I really want to continue to hurt me and pull out the fucking stitches. It seems to me that since 2008 I have only gotten worse over time. So really what help is there for me? my pdoc hasnt yet given up (thankfully) but I did months ago.

how am I meant to get better if I cant even see that happening for myself?

'troubled young lady'
I wouldnt say I was 'troubled' just really messed up in the head!!!

talaiporia · 18-05-2011, 04:40 AM

Do you not agree with it?
Or does it bother you because you do agree with it?
*huggles* Please be careful.

lozza · 19-05-2011, 12:24 AM

to be honest... I really dont know anymore:s

had my 3rd sleepless night in a row last night. I hate so much being awake at night times cuz every single time all I wana do is down a few big handful of pills not even caring what they do to me.

jonikd · 19-05-2011, 10:30 AM

hang in there Loz. You have before and you will again. I've been in a similar place of late, so sorry I haven't been around. Just be patient Little One, the mental illness we share to varying degrees is a goddamn pain in the arse but it also makes us the wonderful caring deep and meaningful people that we are. Love ya, you know where I am.