Theres no reason

Margo · 02-05-2011, 03:42 PM

to feel like this anymore. afterall i am pretty much recovered. I am well in terms of assessment.

I am free of the clutches of MHT, i am down to therapy twice a month and i am out and about.

So why do i ****ing suck so bad?

Ive been out and cooked and cycled and gone to the gym and socialised. Ive even read my book.

but i still feel like a ****. I AM still a ****.

I am a sad pathetic fail. Im not a man, and ill not be the man i want to be.

It is shameful being me. I really hate myself. I hate myself more for making this post.

I should be feeling good.

I shouldnt think about dying anymore.

Stellata · 02-05-2011, 03:56 PM

Seems like your self esteem's somewhat crumbly and in need of some attention?

dazed1989 · 02-05-2011, 03:57 PM

there doesn't have to be a reason... Even the most (dare I say) 'normal' people get down about themselves and life from time to time...

I guess its more difficult for someone who's been ill/ is ill /or is just about recovered, days like this and these kind of thoughts are probably more scary because you will associate these feelings with the very bad times and worry you're slipping back.

Just one day at a time, one thought at a time and you'll get there! Don't blame yourself for feeling down!

Good Luck

~Grace~ · 02-05-2011, 04:32 PM

will come back to this ok? but you are not a sad pathetic fail.
just cant reply right now...snuggles xx

Margo · 02-05-2011, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

Seems like your self esteem's somewhat crumbly and in need of some attention?

Sadly i have zero self esteem at the best of times Katie :(

Im trying to be good. Im trying to do all the right things.But when i look in the mirror i just see hatred and disgust towards myself.

I have no right to be like this anymore.

Bitter_Angel · 02-05-2011, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjapenguin

I am free of the clutches of MHT, i am down to therapy twice a month and i am out and about.

So why do i ****ing suck so bad?

I am afraid that, being free of the mental health team is so so differnt to being free of mental health problems.

You have done so so well to get this far and I am continually proud of you. But the parts you wish to escape, did not happen overnight nor over a year. They have slowly sunk in over many many years, sometimes so slowly that you didnt even know they were there. Just like they came, they will take a long time to fade out again. You have done the hard work, the more noticeable work in terms of where you are and actually trying to get out of it. But now you need to keep at it, you need to set some goals and keep aiming at them. And slowly, just like they came, they will leave, half the time you not even noticing their departure.

Now is the dangerous time. You have more energy, you are moving away form depression, you are letting your support go. But at the same time, its easy to trip and end up right back where you were a year ago. Now is the time where you have to be vigilant. Where you have to keep doing the good things despite them not helping. Where you have to say **** you depression, I wont let you win this.

In a way, depression sometimes reminds me of a spoilt child. You say no to them and they shout, they kick and scream and temper. You used to give in for the easy life and give them what they wanted. But now you have kept saying no. They kicked and screamed harder but you kept saying no. They know now that that approach wont get them what they want. So instead, they fill with tears, with huge puppy dog eyes begging you to go back to them then. Once again its like a test and you have to keep saying no. And I know that you can.

Zurg · 02-05-2011, 09:04 PM

^^ That was very wisely put, Kim.

Matthew, i'm gonna get back to this when i'm in a right frame of mind. Hang on until then.
*hugs you*

Margo · 05-05-2011, 02:13 PM

I was driving to therapy and had a panic attack on the motorway. I had to come off and this made me miss over half of my appointment. Now I'm say in the car afraid to drive back. Feel wierd. Feel scared.

Therapist really doesn't want me to cut down to twice a month. Says I'm not ready.my knees hurt from exercise and I feel lost and alone.

Sat outside my mums place. She has patients all day but I gonna sere its I can stop here cus I don't feel right.

Why is this happening to me? I'm really trying hard

~Grace~ · 05-05-2011, 02:19 PM

Matthew, that must have been suich a scary experience hun...Im so glad you were able to pull off the motomway...if youre not feeling right, then i think it would be unsafe to drive home...so yes, I think it would be a good idea to stay at your mums. Im sure she wont mind.

Hope you feel better soon xx

Bitter_Angel · 05-05-2011, 10:40 PM

How are things now?
I agree that you are not ready to cut down yet. And I think your body knows it to, perhaps that is what it is trying to tell you today?

Margo · 06-05-2011, 11:24 AM

Its all coming back. The thoughts and feelings. The depression. I can't get the words out to ask for help. I just shrug and say I'm ok.

My knees are hurting still. What if I can't cycle or go to the gym anymore? How will I get through?

I'm really frightened. This is not fair.

dollpart · 06-05-2011, 08:38 PM

It isn't fair, you're right.
When you are doing everything you can and things still go badly, it's going to feel horrible.
There might always be times like this.
But you are trying- even struggling- to do the things you know will help, even when they're ****-scary and hard.
Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling like you are.

How long has it been of feeling this way?

Sigma · 06-05-2011, 08:39 PM

Habits are very strong things. Depression becomes a habit and hangs on tight. If you're not ready to reduce therapy then don't - don't force it. You have come an amazing way and will continue to. It is scary, but you can do it.

bluecherry · 07-05-2011, 07:57 AM

You have every right to feel however you want to feel every single day. You are a real person with real feelings and you are ok too. Its really really hard sometimes but I know that you can do it and you can get through it.. please dont be too hard on yourself...be as kind to yourself as you would to anyone here.. you deserve it just as much. xxxx

Rain Keeper · 07-05-2011, 07:33 PM

Comes back to push you forward. This is a bad month to feel down. You gotta make it till the end...for reasons only I know. I miss you Matthew. I love you. Just over 2 weeks and I will celebrate with you. A milestone, a time in history you will achieve. Then you will remain and party on until the end of the month to celebrate with me. hands you a box of tissues. I remember, do you? I quess you need some advil for the joints of all manhood too???

Margo · 07-05-2011, 08:50 PM

I'm still at my mums. Been a tough couple of days. For a moment today I lost my fear of heights. Then when I saw myself fall and the pull in the pit of my stomach I woke up and the fear returned.
Last night I threw myself under every train that rolled by.

I'm safe here. But I don't feel right. Right now I'm ashamed. Everyone telling me stopping meds and cutting therapy is wrong. For once I wanted to do it myself and people are telling me in the nicest way that I'm failing.

I don't want the next two weeks. Not sure when I will go back. Perhaps tomorrow.

Then I will see. Right now I'm choosing the thing you don't want.

~Grace~ · 07-05-2011, 09:01 PM

sorry youre having a difficult time of it matthew.

what does your therapist, doctor, psych say about stopping therapy and meds? And do they know how bad things are for you at the moment? We know...but they need to know too to beable to make the correct decisions for you and your safety.

Hope that made sense
sending love and a pickle xx

Margo · 07-05-2011, 10:03 PM

Therapist thinks its wrong to cut down visits. I can't afford it tho. I'm private. she offered to reduce the cost.

She I'd supportive of the med thing. Says I've made incredible advance. I think its just something she feels she needs to tho. She doesn't get involved with the psychiatric side of things.

I could call mht. I don't want to tho.

I'm sorry. I'm safe, harm free and I'm in no immediate danger.

Ty all xxxx

Bitter_Angel · 08-05-2011, 02:28 AM

You havnt failied, you are just climbing an incredibly steep slow and its easy to slip. What you have done is really strong of you, but still on that slope, its not failing if you someone offers you hand to steady yourself.

Matthew, the next few weeks are going to be tough, they are certainly going to test you. If I have guessed right, you have been dreading the next few weeks for at least the past 4 years.

I still think you can beat this and move on to be a hell of a lot of happy. But I still say, if anyone offers you hand, or a flat plain to rest upon, take it. Rest up for a couple of weeks and reevaluate once dooms day is over.

Please get in touch if you need me. I wont be online much after the weekend, but please please do text me!!

Margo · 09-05-2011, 04:25 PM

back at my Fathers now. Im a bit ashamed of myself. No, im a lot ashamed of myself actually.

I feel a terrible sense of failure. Inside im trying to tell myself that its the only way to learn. its hard for my psyche to take that on board tho.

Im not sure what to do.

I spoke a little to my mum. shes really hard work. She spends most of her days giving people therapy and she finds it hard to escape from that mind-set. the last thing you want is a parent analysing you. We argue a lot and try and trip each other up.

but i was patient and so was she. I got some stuff out. Explained a little. I told her at leat my dad has my brother and sister to be proud of. i said i felt sorry for her cus she just has me. She didnt respond, but thats ok, cus, well there aint much to be proud of :P

Hopefully i will go and cycle tomorrow and perhaps ill make the gym this evening too.

Im scared! Im scared of what lieas ahead. Im scared of the thught of every day living. the stuff "others" find easy.

Mostly im scared of the next 10-12 days. I have enough valium to stop and small horse, but for now there is no plan to use it.

Is it ok to be ashamed about being scared? Is it ok to be ashamed of feeling needy?

I really want to have a nice birthday, but i cant allow myself. I want a party and cool presents, but i cant allow it. No one knows. they are upset because im not doing anything. I just cant face it tho.

i dont know what to do.