Feeling like I need it... *may trigger*

[Derrota]

So I haven't cut in about 3 years now, which most people keep congradulating me on, but I don't think anyone should. I haven't actually did it, but I think about it every day. It's just getting progressively worse, because now even the smallest thing that happens in my day makes me feel alone, then empty, depressed, then like I want to SI again.

My husband's ex left pictures of them and notes all throughout his books, totes, binders, etc when they broke up. A lot of these places, like a binder he hasn't used in 4 years but he keeps for his job as a reference, still has pictures. So we're moving and I drop his binder, and like 4 pictures came out. I told him about it, threw them away and that should have been the end of it. But I'm constantly thinking of it! I know what she did and I should just let it go, but now it's just causing drama with myself that shouldn't be there. (that happened yesterday)

Normally if he was here, he'd lay with me, give me a kiss and I'd feel 100%. But right now he's in another state for work, and that stupid thing is eating me alive! I keep asking myself "he was happy in the pictures, so she made him happy, am I good for him?" etc, when I know we're perfect for eachother.

It's drama, but it's eating at me so bad that I want to cut again. It makes me think that there's a bigger issue in another part of my life that is making me feel that way.. So frustrating! The only thing keeping me from cutting is that I would feel guilty if I tried hiding it from my husband, and if I tell him I hurt myself he would feel horrible.

Blahhhh!

[nowhereman]

Three years cut free is a good achievement though. I know how hard it is when you seem to think about it all the time, how annoying and upsetting it is. Your husband is with you now, he won't be thinking of his ex. You said yourself you are perfect for each other. Focus on that and not upsetting him by cutting.

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I think I understand where you are coming from with not wanting people to be congratulating you for not hurting yourself. I've never gone as long as you have but even so I think we have a similar thought process. I got to about 2 months without hurting myself. A fair amount of people in my life know about the SI and I had to stop in order to go back to my volunteering position. Well, people were telling me how great I had done and how proud they were and would say "good girl". I felt like a fraud. Like I didn't deserve their words because I hadn't stopped thinking about it. No, I hadn't cut but I was doing tiny little other things to get that same result. I justified this in my head because they said I had to stop cutting. I wasn't cutting. Perfect.

It wasn't perfect. I had not really kept my side of the bargain and I felt guilty. Horribly guilty. I did not want anyone congratulating me. Two months was nothing in the grande scheme of things.

Three years is an amazing accomplishment. You are still having urges to harm yourself, true, but you aren't acting on them! You are proving every single day that you are stronger than those urges. I think that you have caught yourself at a really good time. Things are always easier to deal with if you catch them early. You feel alone, then empty, depressed, then like you want to SI again. Are you able to challenge these feelings? You feel alone, but are you? You have your husband, and even though he is away at the moment he will be coming back soon, right? What is making you feel empty? My guess is then empty feelings are probably causing or at least directly influencing the depressed feelings. Can you try to think of what is causing the empty feelings? Maybe you could volunteer somewhere to try and put some more purpose into your life. Get a pet to feel less alone when your husband is gone.

"Should" is a very dangerous word. Who's life are we comparing to when we say we should do something? I think saying "should" implies that there is some perfect outcome that we all need to strive towards and if we don't reach it, well than, you failed. I say "should" a lot but I am trying to catch myself and cut back. Who says we "should" or "shouldn't" act a certain way or get over things in a certain amount of time. We are all human and all different. We all process and cope with things in a different way.

If your husband hasn't used those binders in years maybe he forgot about the photos. Talk to him about them and how they made you feel. He is probably more than willing to get rid of them since they are causing you, his wife, so much stress.

Does your husband own any big sweaters or a house coat or anything like that? Maybe curling up in one of his shirts would make you feel like you are closer to him. If not, grab his pillow and hug that tight.

You're strong. You can make it through this.