More and more I get the feeling I am being pushed out from my friendships. None of them bother to text me anymore or even call unless it something related to them about how its great news. When i try to get help from them, its a fight and struggle to get them to respond. Then when they do respond, its more of a "I'm proud you are telling me this" or "I'm glad you are talking about this to me" without actually trying to help me. JFC, i deserve a better answer/response than that!
I get very easily triggered nowadays and i really don't have a place to store my anger/unhappiness/disappointment/whatever else cause my journal is a mess of writing that's sometimes incomprehensible... so i turn it all on myself cause i blame myself for causing the problems. Each time in the past week or so that i have gotten compliments from my co-workers it makes me feel more guilty cause I don't really know what I have done to get them. I'm just at a "don't care" kind of moment right now. I would like to SH or more... but I am caught in between cause last time it happened, my co-worker (who knows and found out) left me hanging with paranoia when he asked me what he wanted to do with the information I told him cause he was worried.
I also am too scared to call my psych cause we don't really get along and he will say to come in and I refuse cause I believe what the voices say. Speaking of voices, they won't SHUT UP. They continuously talk, screaming in my head about how bad I am and that I need to hurt myself as sort of a sacrifice to appease them. I don't want to, but my fears are turning to rage against myself cause i blame myself a lot when i get unhappy with whats going around me in family. I can't find my own way out and I can't seem to find something to fight for as I slowly come apart and try to piece things together before it gets too out of had.
So... um... I dunno. I have no idea what to do. But its quickly becoming very overwhelming... and usually that will mean bad things will happen very soon. I guess I will try to go for a walk to help... meh.
Sorry for the long message, i guess its overall essence is to say that I am kind of really wanting to hurt myself... and I don't know what to do about it. I should know, but I don't or refuse to I guess... I give up *cries*
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
*hugs*
Sorry things are a bit rubbishy at the moment, and well done for asking for help. I know how hard it can be to resist the temptation hurt yourself.
With regard to your friends, I think I understand how you're feeling. I had a similar situation with my friends in my last few years of school, but the only thing I can say is that things can change. In just two years, I'm someone completely different with a whole few set of friends, and the time when I had friends who rarely texted me and who I felt were pushing me out of the group seems like a long time ago :)
What about starting a blog? It puts everything in date order, and things can have titles and you can go back and edit it etc, so that should make things more easily readable, so you don't feel like it's a mess.
Do you have any diagnosis relating to the voices?
If you don't want to talk to your psych, what about going to your gp?
massive hugs hun im a bit low on words but just wanted to say i read your thread and do care wish i had more advie but stuck at the momment
please tc im just pm away
young girl its alright your tears will soon dry your soon be free to fly
she's falling from grace , she's all over the place..............
Whats a gp? I am not that great on the lingo, sorry.
This group of friends I have had to keep cause they are the only ones I have left. I have gone through 2 "groups" of friends before and they left me cause they thought i was too "needy" and used my "mental illness" too much to not do things with them. I tried to explain that wasn't the point, but they gave up on me and moved on leaving me alone again, and again.
The journal works easier for me than the blog cause i write a lot. I guess i should have clarified when I mean that its a mess... its that way cause i write down whatever runs through my head at the time and its awkward and kinda scary at times when i read over it or am writing down what is being said at the moment.
Before I left the psych, more or less cause we fought at our last meeting (with words, of course) he said I likely had something to do with schizophrenia... but it never got much farther. Our last meeting consisted of arguing and unhappiness cause he felt like I was out of control and needed to be back on meds and I refused, and he tried to play the trump card of that if I can't control myself and be safe then he would do what he needed to. That was about a year ago
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
oh lol, you're american :p I don't know about in the US, but here we have general practitioners, like 'family doctor' who you go to for all the general stuff and to get referred for more specific stuff.
Grr, sucky friends :( But there's still plenty more fish in the sea! God, that sounds so lame :-/ But what I mean, like could you try out a new hobby or something? Meet some new people, and get to start again with new friendships, and be on a level footing- new people won't know about the past or your mental illness, so you can tell them however much you want, if and when you want.
yeah, misinterpreted what you meant by mess. Although I can type faster than I can write, so blogging works better than a journal for me! Maybe it would help to write all that stuff down, and not read it back to yourself? That way you're still getting it all out, but you don't have to scare yourself reading it all again.
Hmmm, could you go see a different psych? Have a fresh start, and see how things go from there? How do you feel about maybe having something-to-do-with-schizophrenia? Why did you not want to take meds anymore?
Sorry, lots of questions :-/
And p.s. I like your girl, interrupted quote in your signature :)
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 12-04-2011 at 11:05 PM.
Reason: ceeb
:P Oh ok, yes we have a family doctor but I haven't seen him in a long time.
I wish I could do some of that, but I seem to have fallen into more of a stay at home kind of person cause my friends that I do have don't invite me out to much cause they figure its not worth it :/
The reading it back is just mainly for me to see where my stream of consciousness is going -- to see what I am writing cause sometimes I just write and don't bother to see what I am writing... so I look back/go back and it frightens me as to what I see is written there.
I am not really wanting to go back to a psych again TBH... I don't want to have to rehash everything over and over again. Its very painful and I don't want to have to explain to the psych about the voices and how they want me to hurt myself a lot. It causes me a lot of trouble and I don't like it very much... though I know it somewhat helps, I guess.
Well I had figured I had something schizophrenia-related for a while (stupid college psychs) but they were just trying to hone in on which one I think -- and we never got there. I don't like the aspect of meds. It makes me feel like I am different. I have been on two different AP's and both times it makes me feel quiet and slow... which I hate. Plus, I know this may seem somewhat of a stretch, but for some reason taking meds again makes me correlate it with an incident I had with my college psychs when they had me take meds and it also makes me correlate to it the hospital... which I have never been to yet -- I guess I should have gone twice but I was able to dance out of it.
I like the quote in my sig too :)
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
FFS, she is causing a lot of problems now making me feel a lot worse and wanting to hurt myself even more! I hate her, but I need her? Awkward sounding, I know it is, but it is what it is. She thinks I am making this all up just so I won't/don't have to go to a party on Friday night. I don't feel like telling her so I am not -- but she's trying to pull out all the stops threatening to go to other people and ask them why. Damn it.
If I can't figure this out soon... I don't want to know... *sigh*
I am slowly but surely going down a road I have been before... its like the train is slowly leaving the station with me on it on its way to crash and I don't feel like getting off.
Last edited by YodaBearInterrupted : 13-04-2011 at 12:37 AM.
Reason: added more
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Who is she? What's the party on Friday? Why do you not want to go?
One of my friends, kinda like my best friend I guess. The party on Friday was to celebrate a friend's 21st and they are all really trying to get me to go and pulling out all the stops -- "we miss you" "we love you" and the such. I haven't seen them in awhile because I needed time away from them to try to get my life in order (that really hasn't worked very well) and to get away from the drama in the group that would seem to encompass me a lot cause they saw me as a good listener and that i would have the solution to all the problems. I get "run over" a lot cause I am one of those people/friends who bends over backwards for people and don't expect things back in return.
I don't know if i want to go because i don't want to restart all that all over again... but it is true i haven't seen them in at least 6 months... so i dunno. Maybe i will stop by for a lil bit?
Overall, today was somewhat better. No real sh issues... just a lot of the voices... which i was able to control today
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Hmm, maybe it's worth giving your friends one last chance? Go to the party for a bit, see how you feel around them and take it from there. Maybe you'll get there and it'll feel like nothing's changed and everything's still the same old drama, and then you can just walk out. But maybe you'll find that time apart has been good, and that they've changed a bit and you've changed a bit, and maybe it will work out :)
Hey hon. About the friends thing. I know the feeling, it seems that the friendship group I found myself in has just kind of planned things that no longer concern me. Meaning that they'll contact each other during college (i've graduated so I don't see them there any-more) Or they'll plan things and invite me, knowing that I'm the only one in the group with a job or whatever so I can't make it.
My advice to you would be to try making new friends or try and simply plan meet-ups yourself, if they are your friends, they will find the time to see you.
As for the work colleague thing, simply approach them and say that the information you gave them, you would prefer that they kept it to themselves unless they feel they are TRULY worried and feel the information needs to be passed on in an emergency as a VERY last means.
I would also suggest talking to your doctor. I generally found my doctor to be easier to talk to then my psych. I cant explain why, but I just do.
Much love and prayers you find the help you need. <3
Don’t get too close, It’s dark inside.
It’s where my demons hide, It’s where my demons hide.
PointeLullaby and Posh Little Rich Girl are my Sisters, Acto808 is my brother wigglemuffin is my invasion buddy, ~ PM ME IF You Need Me :P ~
Thanks EvilAngel and Pi.R^2 for your responses. They help a lot :)
I told them i might come late last night... and they said okies. Now this afternoon, they are trying again to sway me to come... i hate it when they do that. They do a very good job playing to my emotions and i have told them before that it can sometimes trigger me cause they do it in such a way that it makes me feel like if i say no (even to other things) that I will feel like i am a terrible friend and they won't want to hang out with me. I know its a very bad habit and it should be broken quickly, but its a cycle (kinda vicious at times) that I have lived with for over 5 years now cause i needed them. And they needed me? I think and hope? I have no clear idea.
I just hope they don't do what they did last time, which was stop by my house kinda unannounced (well they texted me and gave me like 5 mins notice XD) and tried to drag me out of the house to go out with them. I became quite ambivalent and anti-social when they got here cause what they did made me unhappy (I didn't go fwiw, they left kinda unhappy with me for not going to hang out with them).
I know this will sound really weird... but sometimes they drive me off a cliff into sh... cause they will make me feel really guilty and then it gets compounded by the voices which tell me the samethings and berate me and criticize me which I can only handle to a point before i have to sh somehow.. *sigh*
i give up?
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
It sounds like maybe they are just trying to help- that they want to hang out with you, and give you a bit of a push to get out of the house?
I don't know though, they're your friends, and you know them best. If you feel like they make you worse, then maybe it is time to drift away from them and find yourself some new friends?
