I think I stopped cos i reaslied how it wasnt fair on either myself or those round about me who actually cared and I knew if I did it once more then it still wouldnt be enough so I had to stop it going further and plus I promised myself I needed to stop so I could start talkin to sophie (feel_the_release) again when she contacted me cos the last thing i needed was to drag her down again.
I WILL FORGET THOSE THAT HAVE HURT ME
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO ARE ALWAYS THERE TO HELP ME
It sounds harsh, but I decided that I was fine with feeling depressed, I was fine with feeling sucidal and all that. But I felt like a coward for cutting, and it made me feel weak. So I stopped. Just like that. I just woke up and thought "Im such a prat, this is stupid." and stopped. It doesn't mean I dont still feel bad, it just means that there's no signs on the outside. I like it that way.
After my half-hearted suicide attempt in April and then being in the hospital, my family found out all about what I had been doing (although my parents already knew that I had done it before). I saw how much the suicide attempt and everything else they found out hurt them, and I just became disgusted with anything self-harm related. If I ever hurt myself again, I would feel so guilty for letting my family down, even if they never found out. So that has been enough to keep me in recovery for the last 4 months.
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
The second last time I cut I went so deep I terrified myself to the point of going into shock. I couldn't believe that I could do something like that to myself.
The next time I cut I was so scared that it would be a repeat of the last time that I never did it again.
i realised i didn't want it controlling my life anymore.
also, my friend who killed himself last january - i realised he wouldn't want me 'living' like this and it'd hurt him if he saw how bad i'd got.
I'm thinking about recovering. I know that if I decide to recover, it needs to be for me and no-one else. Other people can leave you, or change, so I need to find my own reason for recovery and never lose sight of that.
At the moment I'm fed up of being controlled by it, being a slave to this. I'll never get the job I want if I'm still an active self harmer either.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I realised my friends were sick of trying to save me. My best friend said that she didn't feel that she could talk to me anymore in fear I would hurt myself if she said the wrong thing.
Also I was getting closer and closer to suicide that I had to recover or I would do it and hurt my family and friends in the process.
Recovering is alot more fun =) makes you feel alot better.
I'm thinking about recovering. I know that if I decide to recover, it needs to be for me and no-one else. Other people can leave you, or change, so I need to find my own reason for recovery and never lose sight of that.
That's the same for me, I tried stopping for other people, it didn't work.
I'm still looking for a reason...
I was hurting my friends. It's ruined my relationships. I realized I didn't deserve it anymore. I didn't want to disappoint my family anymore than I have. I need to be able to support my girlfriend. My friends need more help. I don't want to turn out like my cousin. Would ruin my chances of becoming a counselor.
"Words are teeth and they eat at me; Feed on my corpse instead."
I recovered because I was given an ultimatum by my partner. He sat me down and told me how much he loved me and that he knew that I was trying to hide it from him and that he didn't want secrets between us of any kind, and said that he couldn't bare watching me slowly self destruct, he told me that everytime I cut and burned myself, that I might as well be cutting or burning him cos it was hurting him. He said to me that I had to let go of it before it ruined my life and pushed him away, that he'd listen to any problems I had no matter how stupid they seemed to me, that he would do ANYTHING "just please stop doing this to yourself. I want that to be the last scar you ever have to live with, do it for me, do it for your family but most of all for yourself, you're only causing yourself more pain, the pain you already have, the physical pain from the cuts and then the guilt I know you get after you have done it"
I didnt realise it at the time but I DID do it for myself, my partner just gave me the strength.
I'm having that "no reason" thing too. It's good to see this thread because I thought my behaviour was strange. I just...stopped. Haven't done it for months.. but I NEVER decided to stop. It's like, if I plan on stopping, I'm going to mess up and go back. But if I just consider myself to still be a self harmer, its like, theres nothing left for me to rebel against... to fight... so I just haven't done it. If I throw away all my knives I'll go insane and do anything to get them back. Does that make any sense?
I still get the urges though. I still think about SI all the time. I just don't act on them... I'll usually cry it all out. I still want to know, though, how this happened. Being at the point where I just can't do it. Do the meds play a role in that? I like to think I'm getting better and making myself live life... but that self-hating part says its just the meds and I'm screwed if I get off them.
