For too long now my lack of confidence and self-esteem has held me back from doing things. So, I am looking for ways to boost it and/or get over my self-hatred. Ideally ways that don't require me to spend money that I don't have.
I have tried the "one positive thing per day" thing, but that soon fell away due to my running out of positive things to note down.
hmm i know for homework for dbt this week im suposed to look in the mirror and say I am good enough, i struggle with just looking in the mirror without hating myself most days but ill give it a go
Does it matter if you run out? Could you not return to the beginning of the list? Strengthen the sentiment?
umm sorry nt very helpful i struggle myself, my theraptist says 'a thought is just a thought and just because you think it, doesn't make it true'.
Every day you do things right without acknowledging it. When you make breakfast and it comes out right, do you remember to see that? Might help to take stock of that. It is tempting to dismiss things you do daily, because they are long habit, but they are habit because you have gotten them right for so long. My therapist suggested this to me. It is a place to start.
Hmm, I don't see the repeating of the same positive things as all that great. Just seems to emphasise that I haven't actually got all that many, if you see what I mean. It's the same with why I don't include about daily activities. Going to work isn't an achievement for me, it's not something that is going to make me feel better about myself. It's something that I have to do.
"umm sorry nt very helpful i struggle myself, my theraptist says 'a thought is just a thought and just because you think it, doesn't make it true'.
only problem i have is, sometimes things are true"
See, I totally get that. Sometimes things are true, and it would be helpful for other people to admit them rather than lying about it so as not to make me feel bad.
I made a little book (I might have mentioned this on RYL before) that had a lot of positive things in it. The cover was dolphins which mean a lot to me and inside I filled it with positive quotes - as it is just as easy to get negative ones, but I disguarded these. When I feel low or fearful of being confident I read these quotes and they stick in my head because I know them so well. It's good to have positives as a second nature thought - though it is hard and can take a while to get there, I'm still working on it.
In the book I also have photos of good times with my friends that make me smile and remember that I can be happy/positive when I want to be, giving me confidence for the future. There are also nice texts/PMs/messages that I've received from people that make me smile and remember that other people like me, even if I don't especially. In the front I have a few quirky lines that make me chuckle and set me at ease somewhat (literally, it's whatever I found that was sarcastic realism for my comedy). It sounds cheesy and I don't know whether it could work but this book is now quite a big part of my mentality.
Another thing that I found to boost confidence with giving speeches and suchlike (or, just generally, actually) was becoming another person, in a way. I became a more confident version of myself and, since I act 'fine' on a daily basis, acting this wasn't overly hard. Yes, I stress before doing things like asking for a bus ticket or the bill in a restaurant, as well as presentations, but I just imagine myself doing this and manage to do so. That makes it so much easier next time. I kind of take a deep breath and push myself.
With the actual content of positive thoughts, I don't know. I'm sorry. I haven't worked that one out yet but I do believe in the phrase "if you say something long enough then you'll believe it" and maybe this is something that happened with the negative thoughts in the first place? You won't believe it at the start but at the end, who knows? I can't say that I do but it might work.
Perhaps find something that gives you confidence? I know that I've found my 'safe place' with confidence in the Beaver Scouts at home. I mean, I've helped there for ten years now, so that must have an impact and these things take time, but I could run a game for those forty lads no problem - because confidence is easier to assertain there and other helpers don't do anything! - but struggle to do a speech in front of my tutorial group of 10. I then imagined my tutorial were the Beavers (in person, not age) and it was somewhat easier.
I don't know if I am talking absolute nonsense or if I am actually helping, I'm sure you'll have critique of what I've said and I'll be happy to answer if you wish :)
I made a little book (I might have mentioned this on RYL before) that had a lot of positive things in it. The cover was dolphins which mean a lot to me and inside I filled it with positive quotes - as it is just as easy to get negative ones, but I disguarded these. When I feel low or fearful of being confident I read these quotes and they stick in my head because I know them so well. It's good to have positives as a second nature thought - though it is hard and can take a while to get there, I'm still working on it.
I used to have one of these, or something like it anyway. I threw it out. I should probably try to make a new one. Where did you find the positive quotes?
I was fine with doing presentations and the like, I was fine with totally disagreeing with my whole tutorial group and tutor, but come to having to do the fake happiness around so-called friends and I crumbled. I preferred not to bother and just leave them to it, which brought with it its own issues.
To be honest, I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of hating how I look and how I feel and hating everything about me. I, unfortunately, know that a lot of that cannot be easily changed, and it would be easier to accept certain things, but I won't.
I'm reading a book called "The Feeling Good Handbook" which I *think* is by David Byrne. It's done wonders for my self esteem, and you can buy it pretty cheap on amazon. It's got exercises through the book, it's all CBT approaches, and it's helped me so much!
But if i still believe you love me, maybe i'll survive.
So i tell myself you're coming home, like you've done a million times.
I used to have one of these, or something like it anyway. I threw it out. I should probably try to make a new one. Where did you find the positive quotes?
I get the positive quotes from absolutely everywhere: people's signatures, Facebook, films, the internet, random walls... it's surprising how many quotes there are around when you put your mind to looking for them. It's just good to have a pen and paper constantly handy too - unless you have a photographic memory! It takes a while to build up a far few but it means you learn and commit to the quotes better, if that makes sense.
With making friends and suchlike (not to over-simplify what you're saying), could you take it in steps? I don't know about trust issues and things because it's something I struggle with myself but I think that suggesting you go to the cinema and putting on this fake happiness is something that is useful in the beginning. I used to do that and it was so hard and exhausting and it does wear you down but I've come through that and now only have to do it when I literally am feeling horrific. The fake happiness does turn genuine - or it did for me anyway.
It's good that you are wanting to change it and are tired of feeling this way, even though the belief in yourself isn't there yet and nor will it be for a little while. As long as you remember this sentiment, that you want to like yourself, then you will do. After all, you like everyone else for their imperfections - and even if you don't 'like' them, you accept them - so why shouldn't you like yourself? In a way, it's learning to really hear the nice things people say about you rather than discarding them and turning immediately to the negatives.
With books and stuff, I don't like reading them because I find them quite patronising. I mean, I've read very few for this reason and so my 'ability' to try to further my confidence has come from forcing myself to jump straight into the deep end rather than paddling about and never getting very far. Books might be useful, I don't know, I just don't like self-help books as a rule and prefer fiction - sometimes there are good tips for helping yourself in there too, they're just more my style and more disguised, if that makes sense!
I get the positive quotes from absolutely everywhere: people's signatures, Facebook, films, the internet, random walls... it's surprising how many quotes there are around when you put your mind to looking for them. It's just good to have a pen and paper constantly handy too - unless you have a photographic memory! It takes a while to build up a far few but it means you learn and commit to the quotes better, if that makes sense.
Definitely don't have a photographic memory, although that would be amazing! I do usually have a pen on me though, and/or my phone. I will need to get myself a notebook, but I can give it another shot.
With the friends, it's not so much making them, it's the being around a lot of happy people when I'm not, or when they are all talking about something I don't know anything about. I tune out and struggle to get back into it, if that makes sense. Or if we go out, it's usually not that fun to be the only sober person in a group of drunks (and thus having the responsibility of getting them home safely), and it's never fun to have no one to talk to whilst these drunk people are all off pulling folk/each other. It just highlights my depression to myself and how much it has impacted on things, and it doesn't boost my self-esteem to listen to their stories of pulling folk and such like. I'm not even a fun drunk, I just get tired and want to go to bed.
Thanks again for your reply, has given me something to think about.
Yeah, my friends tried to make me go out last night and I knew that I couldn't drink so didn't want to be the sober person. It's something that's hard for a lot of people I think as my friend is struggling with this herself right now and just avoids flat out, going out. However, that is rather isolating, as I'm sure you can understand.
It can feel a bit irritating to have people go on about pulling people all the time when you've not done so yourself and you rarely (if ever) do. I'm quite similar and those conversations are awkward but usually, they pass and the discussion moves onto another random hilarity that doesn't involve boys or whoever. The sober one is usually the person that is most listened to as they remember the night (the good and the bad, unfortunately) and it can prove rather entertaining.
I don't think I have an easy solution for you - is the reason you don't drink because you don't like yourself drunk or for something else? (If you don't mind me asking) Perhaps it is the sort of stuff you drink? I know that I am likely to get depressed if I am on Vodka, whereas Jagerbombs are great for me (mostly due to the energy and caffeine I think!). It's also about the headspace as well because after Kenya I knew I would get more depressed whereas, the week after, I'd eaten enough and had a good week, so it was a good night.
I am going off on a tangent.
Are there any sober activities that you could do? In my halls we hang out in the kitchen quite a lot and there is no pressure to be there. My friends do insanely childish sober things such as colouring in and watching Disney films and nattering over cups of tea, I don't know your situation but could you do those?
Ah, the age-old go out vs not go out question! Yes, both have their good and bad points. Finding some sort of balance is the best way I found. Try to make sure she doesn't completely isolate herself, it will only make her feel worse.
I don't drink that much because it doesn't help me. I completely bypass the fun giggly stage and hit the tired and want to go to bed stage. It doesn't really matter what I drink either, whether it's vodka or Guinness or anything else. It just takes a slightly different length of time to get from sober to tired and grouchy.
Now that we've all graduated and hit the real world, we don't have much time to sit and do that sort of stuff. So when we meet up it's usually a case of going out drinking or sitting being all nostalgic about those great night outs where I either wasn't there (not always through my own choice) or I didn't actually find it all that fun. You know the stupid stuff people do when drunk that they find funny, but it will only be funny to other drunk people? Yeah.
Then there is the talk of marriages and people moving in together and such. I know I should be happy for them, but, well, I'm not really.
You're not moaning. If it's something that you think about and something that worries you then it's better out in the open then welling inside, getting bigger and bigger and then a harder worry to combat. I, and others, don't mind anyway.
Yeah, that's true. I suppose that it's a bit different still living with these people. When you meet up, you kind of have to do something - I take it that you're all spread out in location? That doesn't necessarily have to be going out though, it can be other things like, I don't know, wandering round window shopping or visiting somewhere. Perhaps the fact that they're talking about drunk times are of particular relevance to you because you remember them and not being there, and why. They might talk about other things but when something's difficult, you focus upon that instead, do you think?
I guess it always seems as though there is another conversation that cannot be participated in because of very real problems that other people might not experience. Socially acceptable norms like marriage and relationships can be a lot harder to get into and can be hard to talk/listen about/to.
Chances are that your friends are judging you a lot less harshly than you're judging yourself, else they might not be there in the first place and they are! There'll be something positive about you that they're holding onto!
And about being drunk, I'm not saying that you have to be drunk. You don't. One of our friends is Muslim and she never drinks because of it and still has a good night (and is insane!). I've found that it's a lot to do with perceptions. Thinking you're bad at/with something means you form an automatic barrier with it. Like, if you really, honestly believe that you'll have a bad night or be a bad drunk then the likelihood is, you will be. If you think (more believe, really) you'll have a good night then it tends to go that way. Writing it out truly over-simplifies what I am trying to insinuate because it is not that easy or that obvious. You can't just *think* yourself happy, as it were, but you can try that belief thing. It will work eventually. It just takes a bit of effort.
We are sort of spread out, but it's mainly just we all work at different times, like some work weekends as well as weekdays. So it can be tricky getting a time together. I've tried doing different things. On my birthday I organised a ten-pin bowling, crazy golf and laser-questing day, which worked out cheaper than just going to a club and getting wasted. I enjoyed it, as did a couple of others, but then some of them didn't really get into it and went out afterwards. I don't know, maybe I'm just too different from them, and that's what the problem is.
I know that I perhaps do judge myself too harshly, but then I haven't had much reason not to. I do not see any positives in me, and that's what I am wanting to try to fix. Or if not see positives, at least to turn a negative into a positive.
Hey, I don't have much to add, Belle pretty much has it covered!
But I agree with a lot of the things she is saying.
I struggle with self hatred, low confidence, and not really "fitting in" with friends sometimes. It's hard when people are talking about times you weren't involved in. Those couple of friends who enjoyed your bowling/laser quest day, could you meet up with them more often without your other friends and do more things like that?
Going to gigs can be a fun alternative to going clubbing too if thats more your thing.
Writing down every nice compliment/text/Pm anyone gives you and reading over it when you get down can help give you a boost sometimes. Especially if the compliments are from people you respect a lot. Even something as simple as "well done" can make you smile when you re-read it.
Is there anything that makes you feel good about yourself? Even if that feeling doesn't last?
Is there anything that makes you feel good about yourself? Even if that feeling doesn't last?
Honestly? Nothing is springing to mind. Nothing that I can cling on to anyway. Like, I feel okay if I win a bout at fencing, but then I know that it is due to luck rather than any skill on my part. And then the next bout I'll lose and any positive feeling is lost. That sounds so pathetic, but it's true.
I'll get myself a notebook when I'm next in town and try to note down the positive things. Worth a try.
