I'm so sorry to be posting this. I just feel so awful these past couple of weeks again. I don't mostly feel suicidal but the pain is such that I get impulsive and then feel suicidal and want to end it. Here's the thing. I've had this suicide plan for a loooong time. And it keeps coming to mind in these dark times and I feel like I could really use it. I'm wondering if I should tell somebody about the plan like my counsellor? It's kind of scaring me.
You should probably tell someone if you have a plan, so they can keep you from it... it can backfire occasionally (I always notify my parents of such things, but they just think it's for attention or manipulation or something usually... but they do help prevent me from going through with it), but at least for the moment, it can help keep you safe, which is what is truly important. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, hun. *hugs* Hopefully things will get better. Hang in there.
do tell someone your plan. it's really hard fighting thoughts on your own and plans can eb so tempting. i hope whoever you tell helps. if not, find someone who will. xxx
Thanks you guys, Talaiporia and Jess, Namaste and tamobhuuta. I want to tell so that the plan no longer has any power and I won't go and do it in a moment of weakness. But my biggest fear is that whoever I tell will call the police on me or send me to the hospital. It's a pretty awful plan. I don't think I'm in danger right now, but it changes so frequently. I hate mood disorders.
when you tell them about the plan, could you tell them what you think would help? even if it doesn't seem realistic, it might help them understand more so hospital isn't necessary. *more hugs*
I told my nurse I have a plan and she said we could discuss it next week. We also talked about other stuff because I was in distress and she said that I am being stubborn (willfull actually), kind of like my attitude is the reason for my depression, and she was talking down to me and treating me like a child. She's done this before. If I'm doing well she's really nice. If I'm not doing things her way she gets mean. I don't want to continue to go to therapy. The problem is, she is the second nurse I've had and they will probably not reassign me again. I'll be seen as difficult, the problem patient. I hate mental illness. Makes me want out sooo badly. I hate depression. I just wish I could die. That suicide plan sounds better and better but I can't. I'm trapped. :(. Cries.
The other thing is my nurse is emphatically trying to convince mennot to come on to ryl. That if I keep coming here we're going to have to figure out why therapy isn't working.
I just meet with a nurse every week and we talk about ways to cope, etc. Counselling basically. It started off supposed to be cbt but I don't know what we're doing now. Anyway, I don't like her. She is mean when I challenge her or if I'm not responding to treatment she says I'm being willful and so it's my fault.
Life and depression sucks. I'm gonna have to figure a way to cope on my own I guess. Wish I knew how.
When you get upset and angry - dark and negative thoughts automatically come to you (or anyone). As a matter of fact you are not the thinker of thoughts but the hearer of thoughts. Think of these thoughts as artifacts and impressions of being upset and angry. The trick is to feel the upset without the anger.
If you just overreact and realise it, the upset will pass and leave you intact. If you add anger and struggle then you sink deeper. Learn to watch the thoughts as you would notice a tv in the background as you go about your day. Don't be for the thoughts or against them. When you have a middle way that's being objective. Learn to discern things and not fall to analysis - analysis makes things worse. That is especially true when a person is upset. Most of the negative thoughts are lies or true things exaggerated.
I don't really know what to say but I'm glad you told your nurse. I wish she'd been more helpful though. Please stay safe until next week when you can talk to her about it.
I told my school counsellor what my plan was (part of it anyway). It certainly caught her attention. Anyway I told her I'm not planning to act on it right now so she isn't going to do anything about it. She wants me to tell my nurse this afternoon. My appointment is in less than an hour. Ugh. I feel ill. My counsellor even called my nurse on the telephone and talked to her about me being severely depressed and needing the doctor to do something etc. I hope my nurse doesn't get nasty to me because of that. I'm not feeling so great about this right now. :( wish I could run and hide.
It was bad. She Had me so distressed I wanted to leave and OD and never come back. She wants me to stop seeing my school counsellor who I actually like just because I shouldn't see two people. I told her only half of my suicide plan. Ugh. She just said nothing while I sat there and cried and cried. Actually she took notes. I told her I don't trust her.
Rach, please be careful. I'm sorry she reacted badly. Don't stop seeing the counsellor if it helps; ignore this women, the more help the better. If she doesn't like it, don't tell her.
How are you doing now?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
