at risk but am fine?

[lozza]

I have been feeling very suicidal for a while now and I knew this weekend was always gonna be tough - BPD + a close friend moving away = recipe for disaster

no worker is here right now and they wont be until tomorrow late arvo.
and all I can do right now is smile and LIE. I want to be honest but I am scared of letting others down or just being a pain in the ass and causing more trouble than what I am even worth

I couldnt even call B this arvo/night cuz I wasnt feeling worthy. And to think the workers here actually care!

I have pills I can take but a worker tried scaring me out of taking them yesterday... but right now I just feel like 'who cares'

I look at my bunny and guinea pig and I feel so bad and guilty... they deserve better than me! I dont know what to do or try anymore.

Living seems painful and more like a chore and I cannot see another option but suicide but yet here I am here posting and trying to work through it for my counsellor as I know she really does care.

I guess I just need support and hugs right now. I feel so low and invisible right now.

[finding.my.wings]

Hun, you're not invisible... i see you. Your bunny and guinnie pig are lucky to have someone like you who cares about them and feeds them and looks after their general well being. Im so glad that you chose to post here instead of doing anything... even if it is sjut for your counselor at least you chose to post instead and thats a really positive step. Plz be honest hun, you are not being more of a pain than your worth... hun people care what happens to you otherwise they wouldn't be trying to help/support you. Sorry i really dont have many words now but i really want you to know that you're not invisible.

[88shelz]

Reaching out for help any way you can is a good sign.
reaching out to to someone who can sit with you and offer a real hug could be even more helpful. you are not invisible and people would rather help you and be happy that you are safe and well. x

[Stellata]

You don't have to smile and lie. There are safe ways of being with how you're feeling, gently and tenderly. I can understand how you're frightened of the loss and the tears and the desolate emptiness. Maybe there are ways you can reach out for connection, even if it's texting someone you know about something completely random. And be extra kind to yourself, hold yourself kindly.
When someone's left, I know how much that can stir up feelings of being unworthy for anyone. But, you are worthy, very much so, it may be hard for you to take in, but it is still true.

Maybe curl up with a blanket around you and read a good book or watch a film or do some word puzzles. You might like to journal or draw. And if you cry, that's ok. It is safe to be yourself, really it is.

[roiben]

I can not put it as well as Katie has, above, you are worth help and attention though and you sound like right now, you need it as well.

Do try to be honest and ask for the help you need. Also, listen to what your body and mind are telling you and be gentle with yourself.

Roiben x

[Wannabfree]

lots of hugs from me lozza...please give me a call if you want to over the weekend. You are not invisible to me at all. Im often thinking of you xxx

[lozza]

I honestly did not think I would get any replies at all cuz of how low and badly I am feeling so thank you everyone

Quote:

Originally Posted by Days Gone Bye

Hun, you're not invisible... i see you. Your bunny and guinnie pig are lucky to have someone like you who cares about them and feeds them and looks after their general well being. Im so glad that you chose to post here instead of doing anything... even if it is sjut for your counselor at least you chose to post instead and thats a really positive step. Plz be honest hun, you are not being more of a pain than your worth... hun people care what happens to you otherwise they wouldn't be trying to help/support you. Sorry i really dont have many words now but i really want you to know that you're not invisible.

merri I do not know what I am doing anymore. I do not see my counsellor until friday and that is forever away and right now I am feeling so badly that I am struggling to even make it through the rest of the day! Thank you for your kind words though, it really does mean a lot. I just guess I am feeling so low that I feel I am just taking up space and wasting everyones time. I am scared of myself right now

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88shelz

Reaching out for help any way you can is a good sign.
reaching out to to someone who can sit with you and offer a real hug could be even more helpful. you are not invisible and people would rather help you and be happy that you are safe and well. x

shelz, I did manage to msg a friend last night hoping that we would be able to catch up over the weekend but she has yet to get back to me which is making me feel worse and even more unworthy I hate hate HATE BPD and the control I am allowing it to have over my life right now. But at the same time I feel too tired and exhausted to even put my hand up and just stop for a minute and think... I feel like I am running on auto pilot right now

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

You don't have to smile and lie. There are safe ways of being with how you're feeling, gently and tenderly. I can understand how you're frightened of the loss and the tears and the desolate emptiness. Maybe there are ways you can reach out for connection, even if it's texting someone you know about something completely random. And be extra kind to yourself, hold yourself kindly.
When someone's left, I know how much that can stir up feelings of being unworthy for anyone. But, you are worthy, very much so, it may be hard for you to take in, but it is still true.

Maybe curl up with a blanket around you and read a good book or watch a film or do some word puzzles. You might like to journal or draw. And if you cry, that's ok. It is safe to be yourself, really it is.

katie, you sound like my counsellor at the moment... its a good thing though as I know what you are saying is true - thank you. I really struggle with just sitting with how I am feeling and being ok with that. I am the kind of person that feels a certain way and then must act on that straight away you know? I am really scared of that part of me right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by roiben

I can not put it as well as Katie has, above, you are worth help and attention though and you sound like right now, you need it as well.

Do try to be honest and ask for the help you need. Also, listen to what your body and mind are telling you and be gentle with yourself.

Roiben x

roiben - a worker will be in this afternoon... I will try and talk to her about how I am feeling but I do not know what anyone can do to help me right now. I know I am not ok right now but I also dont know what I need.

.....well thats a lie... I know what I need but I know its not something I am able to get as I am an adult now suicide feels like the only option but I am fighting myself to try and stay safe and keep my phone on me so I can txt someone if I cant stop myself from keeping safe

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wannabfree

lots of hugs from me lozza...please give me a call if you want to over the weekend. You are not invisible to me at all. Im often thinking of you xxx

thank you kerry. it really means a lot and I am sorry you are going through a shit time too. love you. I will try and call you later on if my head will let me. xx

Right now... right now, I do not know what is happening within my head. I just... I see the black hole and I feel I am getting even closer to losing my grip and falling down into the pit of nothingness. It feels too strong right now

[finding.my.wings]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lozza

I honestly did not think I would get any replies at all cuz of how low and badly I am feeling so thank you everyone



merri I do not know what I am doing anymore. I do not see my counsellor until friday and that is forever away and right now I am feeling so badly that I am struggling to even make it through the rest of the day! Thank you for your kind words though, it really does mean a lot. I just guess I am feeling so low that I feel I am just taking up space and wasting everyones time. I am scared of myself right now

You're not wasting my time and you're not taking up space. Can you contact your counselor and ask to see them earlier? Can you call a crisis line or go to hospital? I know both those can be scary but you dont seem to be in the best space right now nor the safest... please contact hospital if it will help you hun. Plus if you want im happy to chat on msn.

[NeverBetter]

hugs i agree with what has been ssaid above your not wasting time and i know it hard and u deserve help and to be happy
please tc xxxxxxxxxxxxxsorry i dont have great advice at the momment

[grizzlybear]

i don't have many words right now but just wanted u to no that i have read ur post, and i really hope u get the support and help u need, because u do deserve it and u are not invisible, it is ok to ask for help.

HUGS xxx

[Stellata]

How're you doing today?

[lozza]

not doing great right now. I'm scared.

I asked a good friend if she thought that if I had moved to america all those years ago and moved in with her and her family then if I would be ok right now.... her reply was sweet and I know its not possible to do it now but I cannot let go of the fear... that if I had left my home to go live her... then what if, what if I was in a better head space and was able to get the love and support I never got from my own family and what if that was enough to make me better and I wasnt currently in this hole I am falling down into?

and then theres my butterfly and shes struggling right now and taking pills and we dont even know if she will wake in the morning *cries*
its like we are both falling and shes like the only person I keep fighting for but if shes gone I will be too.... I am so sure of that. Without my butterfly I wouldnt be here I wouldnt.

everything is so loud and muddled in my head and I refuse to tell my pdoc this tomorrow she wouldnt even get it... I need I NEED to talk to my counsellor but shes booked solid tomorrow and then isnt working till friday when I see her. crap crap crap

[talaiporia]

Do you think you can get through til Friday?

I guess you'll never know what could have happened if things had been different? Would things have turned out better? Or would they have been exactly the same. Either way; it's not good to dwell on the past, you can't change it now.

[lozza]

I honestly believe things would have been better as if I had just gotten a tiny bit of love and acception then I would not be reverting back to child like behaviours as much now as that need would have been fulfilled already if that makes any sense?

and yeh I probably will be ok until fri (I hope)
just gota focus on keeping me safe right?

[talaiporia]

It does make sense.
Try to stay safe. There are so many people who care about you.

[finding.my.wings]

Hun, i know im in a diff country but if you want i can chat to you on msn?