First of all, I'm sorry that my first post here is so negative. I stumbled upon this site completely by accident,and I can only hope it's a sign from some higher power that it's my time to save myself.
My name is Christy,I am 17 and have been struggling alone with self harm since I was 12. It started off with small things like scratches,but it got worse during seventh grade. I have two permanent scars on my arm from that,and it scared me out of cutting so deep for awhile. It went back to scratches and bruises (i ve had a terrible habit since I was really young of hitting myself when really anxious or upset). This year it's gotten out of control again though,back to the razor and back to never sleeping. Ever since I've been having such bad stomach pains when I eat, I've lost interest in eating and the weight loss frustrates me into punishing myself every time I look in the mirror. It's like I'm trapped in a cycle. I really don't know what to do..... my mom knew I've done this before,but honestly she never cared much. She's great, I mean it,but she belittles my depression because she went through so much with my older sister I don't think she can handle facing it again with me,so she ignores it. I want to find help,counciling or even a hospital at this point,but I cannot have my parents know. I just don't know what to do. I help everyone I know with their problems,but no one really listens to mine, and if they do they freak and leave me. I've grown terrified of trusting people. I just....gah, I've hate what I've become and I want to change, I just don't know how, I also don't know how to get these cuts to heal faster, I don't like the constant long sleeves and in the summer I know I'll hate them and these jeans..... ): any advice guys? It would all be appreciated. Thank you so much for the time. <3
First, I want to say it's great you want to get out of the habit! That's the 1st step in recovering :)
I can really relate to your story and different 'stages' of self-harm. I'm not sure if there's many helpful words I can give (as I'm having some of the same problems) but, I really hope recovery goes well for you. I hope your mother can be of more help through it all as well... it's hard when people don't seem to mind when you're having a hard time :/
I really hope you're alright! You can always send a PM if you need to talk
*hugs and love*
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
Congratulations on wanting to break that cycle. (:
You've mentioned that you're always there for others, but they're not there for you. Do you have even just one really close friend that you can talk to? Perhaps a parent of a friend who you know won't tell? If you need help, by all means, get it. I know you're afraid of your parents knowing, but you need to try to do what's best for you.
xx
Please, PM me if you ever want to talk or anything. I hope I helped a little
x
Take Care
Chase
I already told you my whole life story
and not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
It's probably 110% different
Oh my..the support from you both amazes me, thank you <3. Seeing people understand and care, ah, it made me tear up. The same goes for you both with the PM thing, I may be in a rut myself,but I am always available to help people. (:
I do have one adult I've recently talked to, he's 30,but I've known him for about 5 years. He figured it out himself and privately ask me, I think the relief of someone caring must of hit me because I told that poor man everything including the fact I was feeling suicidal and terrified. Talking helps,but I can't help but feel like a bother.
As for my other friends...I stopped even trying to open up to people back in 7th grade, the first girl I told used it against me and used to tell me to kill myself every day. We're not friends now,clearly but I still worry about her telling to this day. Most of the people I've tried to open up to will compare themselves and conclude they are worse off and that I'm a liar because I don't like to show cuts/scars. (Sounds contradictory but I tried to open up a few other times). One kid I can turn to has major alcoholism problems of his own,so I try really hard not to tell him things. He found out on his own because he SI as well and could tell.
I think a few people care and would listen,but I guess it stings my ego that it's not my friends who I've helped/given the time, it's usually random local band guys that figure it out for some reason.
I'm debating trying that rubber band technique? Does anyone have experience with using that coping technique?
And once again, thank you so much to you both. It means the world to me that someone cares. Thank you <3
there might be a councelor at school that you could talk to, and if you really don't want your parents to know, you could leave out the harming part for a while and just have them help you figure out how to deal with the situations that cause you stress and worry.
however, i think that if you're at the point where you're seriously thinking that a hospital stay might be necessary, it is really really definately time to involve your parents in this.
would it help you to make a list of things to do before resorting to harming yourself? and you could just keep in in your pocket or something. or a list of reasons that you want to stop.....
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
It's great that you've found RYL!!!! RYL has helped me a lot, personally. For your problems, maybe you should try to figure out what triggers you, what makes you want to cut and not eat. From there, you have to figure out how to make yourself feel better instead of hurting yourself. I'm kinda stuck on these steps too....oh well.
If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here!!
<3Lira
If you think the scars on the outside are bad you don't want to see the ones on the inside.
Self-injury is a sign of distress not madness. We should be congratulated on having found a way of surviving.- Cory Anderson
I do think you are right, I should involve my parents I guess I'm just scared. They never seemed to realize how depressed I've been,no matter how hard I've tried to tell them. I think my mind went to hospitlization because I'm so anxious about fearing doing anything worse,but I think my fear may keep me safe from needing that.
I don't know if it's possible,but at times I'm suicidal yet terrified of death. I think my brain wants a vacation,not an end all,and realizing that has helped me a bit.
The list idea, that sounds brilliant, I will definitely try it.
As does finding out the triggering events, I will try this as well. Thank guys so much, it's such a relief to feel not alone. I think even just finding this site has helped me a lot all ready. Being able to talk about it and not hide it is amazing.
My main issue right now is that I do have a stomach condition being checked out in two weeks, they'll need to knock me out and use an I.v I have marks still on my left arm, I feel like that's not the time nor the place for my poor parents to find out. I just don't know what to do. I've been using neosporin religiously and it's healed faster,but there ae fading scars that I'm afraid won't,you know, disappear. Would concealer or something work? I do plan on telling them,but like I said, I really feel like it'd just be a double whammy. (Plus I'm really afraid of the doctor noticing. =/ I don't know if they use a specific arm for I.vs,but my left one isn't too thrilled with the idea.). =/
Thank you,again! Times a million <3 you guys are the greatest.
It's great that you've found RYL!!!! RYL has helped me a lot, personally. For your problems, maybe you should try to figure out what triggers you, what makes you want to cut and not eat. From there, you have to figure out how to make yourself feel better instead of hurting yourself. I'm kinda stuck on these steps too....oh well.
If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here!!
<3Lira
If you ever need to talk as well, I'm here too <3. I'm sorry you're stuck on those steps, we can all get through this though. I know it <3
