I Think I'm Going To Be Ok.

pea soup · 03-02-2011, 04:51 PM

few topics...

first...my sister has disowned me yet again. but i did nothing to deserve it. i know some of you saw it on facebook. completely ridiculous. she is truly an untreated "crazy". however, I'm being treated..so in a way I have compassion for her. She is damaged too but just doesnt know it. but her behavior shows it.

I miss Keith sooo bad. Im crying and crying while looking at his pics. but i need to cry so its a good thing. Im hurt by my aunt who is raising him. Her b-day was the 31st january and i sent her a sweet b-day card on FB. and do you know she thanked everyone but me. big hurt. deep hurt.

my teeth have been a big issue for over a month now. I had 3 fillings and thought i was only having 2 plus i had an extraction. its never hurt this bad.
i wake up and it still throbs. makes it really hard to sleep too. its a good distraction from emotional pain...

this morning has been really emotional for me. kelly isnt here. Noa has another kidney stone so they are at the hospital and she is getting a cat scan. so im alone and, of course, thinking about everything because my brain doesnt ever shut down...

BUT..im going to be ok...and that's the whole point. ive realized i can cry and be ok. i can feel and be ok. whatever feeling they may be...i will survive them. big break through actually. im not running from them. im feeling them.

anyhow..just wanted to stop in.

i love you guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hannahs04 · 03-02-2011, 05:21 PM

**hugs** sorry to hear things are so rough! but sooo glad you see your strong outlook on life! You are a true inspiration! Go you!!

pea soup · 03-02-2011, 05:47 PM

thank you :)

Pomegranate · 03-02-2011, 09:33 PM

I am SO proud of you Rach *lots of hugs*. I really think you should keep this post somewhere physically near you so you can read it if you start to wobble. The fact you can acknowledge this is a great way for you to think is fantastic as well! xxxx

~phoenix~ · 03-02-2011, 10:38 PM

I don't have much to say, but thinking of you. Hope you're ok

ˈsäləˌterē · 03-02-2011, 11:51 PM

Rach, that post was amazing! Your strength and courage are truly inspirational! (Well said Hannah!) It is a huge break through! Being willing and knowing you are able to face those feelings is..............I can't even find the words! I'm just sooo proud of you!

Thanks for bringing me back hun!

pea soup · 04-02-2011, 02:11 AM

thank you all!!

and great to have you back Solo!!!

loves.
xxxxx

Mandimoo · 05-02-2011, 02:50 AM

C'MON THE RACHERMERELS!!!!!
go girlie, you've realised what we all knew for a long time, you will not break, you can fight and if you slip then it's not a disaster just a hiccup.
love you so much babes xxx

Casper_Fading · 07-02-2011, 03:28 AM

When I saw the title I was like *MASSIVE GRIN* I know you can do this! I love you :)

risenfromperdition · 07-02-2011, 06:24 AM

this post makes me happy [i dunno if you actually know me but i've been reading your posts for awhile so :)]

pea soup · 07-02-2011, 07:50 AM

thank you all!

im just holding on just like everyone else. but im not going to let myself go too far this time.

pea soup · 07-02-2011, 07:56 PM

Hi!!

im feeling better lately. and today we woke with a beautiful snowy lawn and its still coming down!!! yay!! Kaleb's school closed at 10:30 am due to weather. plus we have more coming our way.

southerners get excited when we see snow because its rare that we ever get enough to play in.

MY SNOW ANGEL :)

Pomegranate · 08-02-2011, 12:29 AM

Yay :) Sounds like you have had a lovely day playing in the snow x

Casper_Fading · 08-02-2011, 12:45 AM

Love it!

pea soup · 08-02-2011, 07:05 PM

thank you all for being so supportive.

today is a hard day for me. Kaleb is turning 7. it was a hard day when Keith turned 7. it's a reminder of what my life became when i was 7 years old.

and i look at Kaleb just as I did Keith and he is so small. how did I endure so much when i was so tiny? why did he do that to me? i was so very little. i honestly dont know how i lived. i remember the pain and I remember how i covered it up.

watching children turn that age is a big trigger for me.

Kelly is having a party for Kaleb at school today but i'm not going she understands.

and then we he gets home we are going to the grandparents to open his presents and have cake. AND (this is a big one). I told him he could use the laptop tonight since it is his b-day. he is very excited. when i woke him, he looked at me wide eyed and smiled saying "it's my birthday!"

he's so precious and i will not ruin this day for him. i will put on my happy face and smile through it.

love to all.
xxxxxxxxxx

Pomegranate · 08-02-2011, 09:28 PM

I think you are truely brave Rach. I understand today might be difficult for you but I also know that you can and will get through it and hopefully you will get some enjoyment out of seeing Kaleb so happy and excited! Could you maybe try and forget it is his birthday and just try and think of it as a celebration day cos he is so lovely? Bit of a silly idea I know but sometimes it helps me to think of things as 'just' a good day or something like that, especially if part of it will trigger.

*lots of hugs and love* You will be great hun! xxx

Casper_Fading · 09-02-2011, 04:47 AM

Smiling through it will make it okay for you too honey. It might not be great but the smile will ease something in your heart.

I love you

pea soup · 09-02-2011, 02:47 PM

thank you guys.

yesterday was hard. i had nightmares last night. going to try for a better day today.

and the tooth that the dentist filled is hurting like hell. dont know what im going to do about that...

im still feeling down...

~Grace~ · 12-02-2011, 03:33 PM

Hows your tooth feeling now....hope things have improved xx