Contains Abuse - How do I move forward?? Might trigger

[KHS]

Hi my name is kirsty and I am 33 years old. I have two young children and I work full time.

I was severely sexually and physically abused by my uncle as a child and following my marriage break up 18 months ago I was diagnosed with delayed onset PTSD. Since this time I have begun self harming again, however in the past six weeks it has increased to almost daily.

I am seeing a clin psyc and a psychiatrist and the psyc says that she thinks that I am getting better because I am not a numb to all of the feelings like I was in the beginning. I know that she is right, buy I didn't expect that I wouldn't recognise the feelings building up inside of me or that the only answer that I would have to the panic that builds would be to hurt myself. I think that part of the reason that I am reacting like this is that during the SA my uncle only got off if he was hurting me so it would only ever end if there was pain. Now the only way to stop the pain inside of me seems to be to be in physical pain. I want this to stop controlling my life. I work, look after my kids, pay a morgage, etc, I feel like I am leading a double life!

Sorry to rant and I hope that I am following the rules regarding content.

Any opinions would be most welcome.

[CagedBird]

Hi Kirsty, I'm really sorry you are struggling so much. I cannot even imagine how much pain and stress you are feeling at the moment. It is so difficult having so much pain but having to continue onwards with work and looking after your children...that sounds so tough! I understand why you want to move forward quickly. But I think your psyc is right, sometimes real healing takes time and it can feel as though you are going backwards when you start feeling the intensity of the pain, but it is the only way through I think. The main thing I could suggest is to keep talking to your psych about all these feelings and confusion you are going through, let her share your pain. Also take care of yourself as much as you can. I am sure this is hard enough when you work full time with 2 young kids but it is really important you try and take some time to heal yourself, even if it is only an 15minutes in the morning or evening. I hope you let me know how you are doing. take care.

[hannahs04]

Hey Krisity, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am married-seperated (getting divorced because of abuse towards me and my children) and have two small kids, I work full time, pay the bills and care for my kids. I was phsically and sexually abused for a long time, not from a man in my family but from a boyfriend-and others he let join in "his fun" and then my husband. I am a Si'er and have struggled with depression my entire life. I know the feeling of leading a double life. I also know that taking time for yourself can really work wonders. Now I am not suggesting that you sit alone doing nothing or just lay in a bath. What I suggest is something active, something where you are not thinking of all the yucky stuff. Something like kickboxing or yoga, or if you are taking a bath (i know doing things outside of the house is hard, i don't have the time or money for them) listen to music or something. I really hope things start looking up for you hun!