Contains Suicide - just cant do it anymore...

[pea soup]

im so depressed and suicidal.

i cant sleep. Keith has taken over all my thoughts and i just want out.

i dont know what will become of me.

the pain is way too much to carry everyday. its so heavy. im so tired and so sad.

i want out.

[ˈsäləˌterē]

Rach, I'm prayin for you sweetheart!

[Sketchy]

I can't even pretend to understand what you are going through. It must be hard being apart and you obviously love your son very much and want the best for him, which is great. I do hope you find the strength to keep fighting these thoughts and feelings, for him and for youself. Stay strong and take care.

[pea soup]

thank you both very much.

i spoke with my mom today and she said something that ive never thought of.

she said that all these past years that ive been in and out of hospitals, i KNEW i couldnt take care of him. but now that im helping to raise kelly's son ive realized that im now capable but its been 9 years and its too late to bring him back.

she said that she is proud of me because this is a sign of me getting better. it sure doesnt feel that way but it makes sense.

i only slept 2 hours last night. i was on the sofa when kelly turned on the lights to take kaleb to school and when i woke, i saw keith standing in my living room. it wasnt a ghostly figure like ive seen of my father..it was flesh and blood. he was just there smiling . of course he wasnt there...i only thought he was.

ive thought of calling the crisis line just to speak with someone..i dont know what to do. this has consumed me. i broke down completely in front of kelly. i was walking in the kitchen and the internal pain was so bad..i had to just sit in the floor and cry. i honestly have never missed him this much.

i dont know how to feel better. its all too much. i try as hard as i can but no positive results. i keep thinking it will go away but everyday seems the same or worse than the day before.

i dont believe this is part of my illness. i think its simply the worst sadness imaginable.

[Sketchy]

I think your mum has a good point and you should feel very proud of how far you have come.
Is there anyone that you can speak to to help you deal with this? These are obviously difficult feelings to cope with, so maybe asking for support would be an idea. You say you don't know how to feel better and can't see positives, perhaps speaking to someone can put you on the right track. Things can get better, although I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
Take care.

[Merc]

Your mom has a good point, but Rach, the first thing I thought of is why couldn't Keith come for weekends (at first) then lead into a week later on?
Perhaps him living with you permanently won't/can't happen but why not some time at least?
Something to think about.
xxx