lower

Stellata · 23-01-2011, 06:42 PM

I want to die.

It's all too overwhelming. And I have failed.

I am a burden. I feel I deserve to be punished.

There is no place on this earth for me.

I don't know how I can live with myself right now, knowing what a failure I am.

My medication has been increased, but there's not been much difference yet.

I know I *should* be working intensively with stuff, building up my abilities. But I have no energy, and everything feels pointless, and I just don't see the point. All I want to do is hide away and push the world away.

I feel so frustrated, so alone, so useless. It's even hard for me to concentrate right now on the very simplest parts of my job.

8yearsofthis · 24-01-2011, 09:39 AM

hi sorry i have no advice but just like to let you know that you are not alone as i know the feeling *hugs*.
stay safe hun.

ˈsäləˌterē · 24-01-2011, 01:39 PM

Katie, sounds like classic depression to me. I'm with Michael, you're not alone sweetie. I feel the same way!

Sketchy · 24-01-2011, 04:34 PM

Katie, give the medication time to work. Are you speaking to anyone about this or is there anyone you can talk to? You are NOT a burden and you certainly do not deserve to be punished. Sorry you are feeling this way, I know how much these feelings hurt.
Take care.

pea soup · 24-01-2011, 04:46 PM

ok Katie...that definitely got my attention.

ive never seen you say you wanted to die. it concerns me greatly.

your ideas of believing you need punishment are NOT justified. they come from past traumas and the unnessecary guilt that it brings. you know this because youve spoken of it before.

i can relate Katie. i know the guilt,the pain, frustration, and false need of self punishment. it isnt reality. its the illness talking. fight it please.

i will be thinking of you.
please update.
*gentle snuggles*
Love
Rachel

Stellata · 24-01-2011, 08:45 PM

Thanks all.

Yes, I'm talking with my therapist. GP is also in the loop.

I don't feel so suicidal today. But it comes in waves. Often I feel so overwhelmed by everything in my life and in my head, more so than usual right now. Plus I have PMS on top of it all.

I was at work all afternoon, and I feel utterly exhausted. Well, I was exhausted before I started... didn't help that the bus got too crowded, and I 'had to' get off 3 stops before to avert a worse panic attack. I wish I wasn't like this.

Didn't help that a colleague, in relation to the changes etc, said to someone "It's no good stressing about it." Well, you know, if I had that choice..

hermit · 24-01-2011, 10:19 PM

I understand. Stress, anxiety, depression... it's not a matter of personal choice. It's horrid feeling that you are out of control like that. I'm sorry.

CagedBird · 24-01-2011, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

I know I *should* be working intensively with stuff, building up my abilities. But I have no energy, and everything feels pointless, and I just don't see the point. All I want to do is hide away and push the world away.

Sometimes it is okay to stop pushing and give yourself a break. We can only go at the speed we can go at. It feels horrific I understand, but don't feel guilty, you are doing the best that you can and that is all that counts.