okay its the night before my surgery warning

[a_soul_that_never_was]

I spent yet another night at the hospital with my gf. Her surgery wasn't suppose to be until 10:30 am. At 9'oclock they said they were getting ready to send her down. Instead of wanting me down there I had to race and break all traffic laws to get her mother. The same one who had abused me just days before. I blew the horn over and over. Against my better judgement I knocked on the door. I could hear the tv but nobody would answer. So I yell it's an emergency Lynn is going to surgery now. No answer. I call my gf and she says go to the back of the house and knock on her window. One the woman has a gun she sleeps with. Two I'm the one person she wants to use it on. Anyways I did it and got the crap out of there. I went home because only one person is allowed in recovery at a time. I had been calling the hospital but they said she was still in surgery. At 1:30pm her mom calls says my gf wanted me to come. I rush out the door and when I get there I go to the floor she is on. Her room was empty. I freaked I thought something happened. I go to the nurses station and she was put in icu. I find my way down there and thanks to her mom I had to wait hours before next visiting hours. Mind you I am having to drink this god awful stuff for my surgery tomorrow. Believe me you have to have a bathroom near fast. I go back there and gave her a key ring that had the lord is my shepard on it. I held her hand while they ran a blood gas. If you've ever had one you know how painful it is. She kept going on about her mom her mom. the nurse got security looking for her. I offer to go get her and she just blows me off. Her mom shows up and my gf tells me let me talk to mom alone. No goodbye, I love you, I'll check on you about your surgery. I'm not being heartless she goes back to her normal room tomorrow. Tomorrow I find out if I have colon cancer or crohn's disease. I find that out alone. My children think I'm lying about being sick. You don't go from 300 pounds to 153 in such a short period of time. The symptoms too many to name. I'm scared and the bathroom where I keep my stuff is calling me. Nothing glamorous about that. The fact is I am fighting it so they will be able to find a vein for the iv. I came home and found my home broke in to for the third time and even though I have no proof the police think the same thing I do. Since its only my computer room with valuable things being destroyed and the rest of the home untouched its her mom. I am suppose to call 911 each and every time to have the house checked out before I enter. I couldn't have gotten sick at a worse time. Eight months ago I was already a year and a half in on my bachelors for web design and interactive media. One year left and I wouldn't be wondering where I could go. My gpa was a 4.0. The worse I got the dr's withdrew me from college. I'm not allowed to be sick here. My gf refuses to talk about it. I seem to be good only for cooking cleaning laundry sweeping and mopping even though my potassium magnesium iron and vitamin d is depleted to a severe level reason unknown. It makes you really sick and I stay really dehydrated. The reason for this long post is for someone anyone to see a tiny piece of my world and why i fight to keep from harming yet unsuccessful many of times. I know therapy is the big answer. Medication for the bipolar and borderline personality disorder and the ptsd. The tough stuff is having to start all over in therapy to be who I use to be again. I have let my gf and her mom tear every piece of that away from me. Somehow I have to get out of here. i don't want to harm anymore. As long as I am here I am positive I will.

[lennyolivia]

I just wanted you to know that I'm sending my love to you. Unfortunately I don't have anything more helpful than that. But I'm sending it anyway. I hope you'll be ok soon.

[Lostpersonality]

I also suffer from bpd and bi polar and know how hard it can be.

If u need to talk plz pm me. *hugs* we are always here to listen.

[offlineforever]

Hey hun, i can kind of related to the IBD/colon cancer thing, I was in a similar situation with it over the summer, hope it is good news. xxx

[Aimless]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You must be so stressed out on top of your illness. :/

I hope the surgery goes well and you'll recover soon. There are people out there who care. We all do. You're brave to keep on fighting, never forget that. x