I swear I'm going mad.

-Pandora- · 07-01-2011, 01:22 AM

I'm really sorry if I have posted this is the wrong forum. I have been a member for a while now I just wasn't sure as to which forum would be more appropriate to post this in.
And I apologise in advance for it being rather lengthy I just need to get this all out and receive some advice from people who know anything about what I say.

Basically, since I have started my new College (moved from a Sixth Form to a local College in September) I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, literally. I have had to leave my friends and make new ones, get used to a new surrounding, work hard towards my new course, attempt to handle family problems and worst of all learn to trust new people that I haven't known for very long.
- That's one thing that I find very hard to do.

But, I started back to College on Tuesday after the Christmas holidays off. Over Christmas and New Year my family was constantly arguing and fighting. And when I say arguing and fighting I don't mean normal family arguments about who does the washing up after Christmas dinner or who takes the decorations down. I'm talking full blown aggressive physical and verbal fights. I've ended up with a dislocated hip, cuts and bruises and a black eye. I found it really hard to deal with because I'm no good at handling arguments. Especially when I get hurt.

I went back to College lying to my new friends saying that I'd had a good Christmas when infact it was the worst Christmas ever. Tutors thought I had changed into a stronger and more positive person after what had happened from September to Christmas. I lied to them as well. They're really concerned about how well I do in College and they want me to be happy and lying to them makes me feel really bad because they want me to trust them and talk to them about things i'm struggling with.

Anyway, to cut a long story short... I'm not myself.
And when I say that I don't mean I've got a cold or I'm tired.. nothing like that.

I've changed over Christmas and I don't like it. Before Christmas I was this lively and bubbly person who was always making sure that everyone was happy and getting along. But with everything that happened I seemed to have lost that special spark that I apparently have.

I've been really down and unhappy. It's hard to explain but its like my mind goes elsewhere and I find myself thinking too hard about things I shouldn't. I seem to go into some sort of trance that I can still manage to walk without bumping into people etc, and when I 'come around' if you like I completely forget where I am or what has just happened. The slightest noise makes me jump.
I can't stop shaking and then when I move it stops until a minute or two later. I know it's not because i'm cold or worried or scared about something. It feels different and strange, like i've suddenly lost all my energy. I can't sleep properly. I find myself feeling really alert and anxious until around 5am in the morning and I wake up that day feeling really depressed.

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I feel as though my body is deteriorating and getting weaker and my mind is all over the place.
I want my usual self back.
I have a counsellor to talk to at College but there are so many things to talk about and I only have an hour each session so I never get to discuss or let everything out that I want to.
I'm finding in the last few sessions though that she is challenging me way too much for my liking. I say something that may be slightly contradictory to something else I've said and she stops me and says "I'm going to challenge you there.." and it's starting to bug me.

Anyway, I'd just like some advice on the shaking-anxiety-sleep thing.
I'm too scared to go to my mum or a doctor about it so here is the best place for me really.

I really appreciate it if you've taken time to read this and again i'm sorry it was so lengthy.

Thanks.
-Pandora-

Pi.R^2 · 07-01-2011, 01:35 AM

Hi Pandora, sorry to hear about your Christmas. It's terrible that you had to experience that :(

Why are you too scared to go to the doctor?

It sounds like you have made good friends at college- do you think it would be possible to confide in one of them about this? I know trusting is hard, but I think it gets better with practise!

I'm not really sure what to advise about the anxious-shaky stuff. I'm having similar problems myself and am going to go to my doctor and try to convince them to give me some anti-anxiety meds. I think I would advise trying to speak to a doctor about it, if you can pluck up the courage. I find if I'm on here just before I go to bed, it's hard to sleep, so I try to unwind and push all the anxious thoughts to the back of my mind. I watch some tv on my laptop in bed or read or read through the collection of really funny texts I have saved on my phone just before I go to sleep. And forcing myself to get up early so that I'm really tired by the time I go to bed works for me.

Sorry for the long response, especially when most of it is probably quite unhelpful :S

Jenna :)

-Pandora- · 07-01-2011, 01:55 AM

No, not at all. I appreciate your time and the reply so thank you :)

And I know that going to a doctor will help, I just don't know what i'll say to my mum. There is no way I could go to the doctors without her knowing about it and when she finds out she'll want to know why.

There are some people at College that I feel as though I'm getting closer to but it's hard for me to trust people, especially men, after something that happened to me.
And at College i'm trying not to draw too much attention to myself because from September to Christmas last year I went through a lot and my tutors were involved in a lot of it so i'm trying to do things better this time and not end up in their office all the time. They weren't telling me off they were there for support and when I had panic attacks and fainted. They were really helpful but with this I don't think they'll understand.

I'm going to try and pluck up the courage to make a doctors appointment and actually go.

Thank you Jenna :)

talaiporia · 07-01-2011, 03:41 AM

I think it would be a good idea to see a doctor. What's the worse that could happen? You have nothing to lose.
If you're worried about your mum you could tell her you have a bad arm/knee or a cough, or something trivial like that.

Pi.R^2 · 07-01-2011, 09:08 PM

Yeah, lying to the mum is always a good idea :P Say you're going to a nurse to make it sound very non-serious, so she won't worry. Either something vague like recurrent headaches or stiff joints, or go for the mumbling embarrassedly about period pain or something. I once pretended that I was driving to a friend's house to drop off a german worksheet, and it also worked well.

I'm still an advocate of telling some of your friends, but that's just because of the way I am about things, and telling people is probably what saved me- you might prefer it if no one knows?