So if I write how I really feel, what difference will it make? I am right back at the start, recovery-wise.
Just a cry into the darkness - I've suffered from clinical depression since a teen, and I go through this, like cycle. I sometimes start getting back on my feet, then I hit rock bottom again.. And that goes on over and over and I never get anywhere. I just end up back in the same dark, black, painful place that I'm in now. I feel really, really bad. But the thing is, because I've been like this so long, it's not important any more. I feel like no one takes me seriously because they're so used to me feeling like this. And I'm scared that everyone thinks I should just get on with it now, that I should accept that this is life for me, and this is how it is now, and just live with it. I have other health conditions (mostly psychiatric) but I don't want to feel like this forever. I'm trapped.
I don't even know why I'm posting this thread, because nothing anyone says is going to help. Nothing anyone says is going to make it all go away. I'd just like to meet some other people who struggle with this, so we can help each other through the really bad days. I want to be able to talk about this with someone who I don't know and who knows nothing about me, I guess.
I have dreams at night about self-harming. I have dreams at night about suicide. I think all day how I don’t want to live, there’s nothing to live for etc. It’s such a cliche - everyone’s fed up of me. I’ve felt like this so long, they get bored of it, fed up of it, they just don’t care any more. Well if they’re fed up with me being in a shit place all the time, how fed up does that make me?? The 25th January is rolling round once again. That time when I really, really want to just…go. (For those who don't know me, 25th January marks my Mum's passing, and I was only a little girl.
I’m hearing voices, seeing things, fantasising about self-harm… It’s almost like a crush. I’ve fallen in love with self-harm, I’m obsessed with it. That scares me.
I’ve started to feel like, I just CAN’T deal with life any more. Like I seriously, absolutely CANNOT go on. And I mean, even basic things, like just living a normal life, seems impossible, overwhelming…
And I’m obsessed with self-harm. It’s all I think about. It’d always there at the back of my mind, I even dream about it.
I’m so scared of myself. I’ve never been like this before.
But my problem is, psychs turn me away because they want me sorted by the therapists first; but the therapists turn me away because they want the psychs to treat me medically first. I've had four counsellors, and a support worker in the past, and even though I was open and stuff, it didn't help - my last counsellor and my support worker said that I was in too bad a place for therapy to do anything but make me worse. And I still am. I've been fighting the medical system for so long now; I've got nothing left. I can't be bothered to fight for treatment any more. I just take my meds, see a GP twice a year, and am mostly confined to he house the rest of the time. I'm agoraphobic, my anxiety levels are through the roof, I also have fatigue issues... I've asked for help, and I've had these different therapies, seen different psychs, tried different meds... I just feel like the NHS has given up on me. And if they've given up on me, what chance do I have?
Please help me.
Last edited by Mrs Sam : 05-01-2011 at 10:11 AM.
Reason: removed trigger warning as not needed in this board
I'm sorry you feel like professionally, people have given up on you. This will never be the case at RYL. However, do you feel that you may be able to get through to your GP or therapists etc if you explain almost what you've written here to them. It is unfortunate, but sometimes people really do need you to be forcefull with them for them to realise how you actually feel.
It sounds as though you are feeling very consumed by self harm. Perhaps you could make positive steps every day to take things off your mind. I know when people say this that it always sounds as though it would be impossible to make you feel better ~ but sometimes you just have to believe that you can feel happier to start working towards it. Positive affirmations are well thought of. Praising yourself, and finding something happy/to laugh about everyday?
You mentioned feeling like everyone thinks you should succum to feeling this way and accept it for who you are. Do you want to do this? Maybe you could use it as an insentive to 'prove them wrong' in a way, or show them that you're willing to get out and do things. Spending time with friends can often make us feel happier and forget jsut by default. Maybe you could look into joining a new club or group of some kind? Or even just calling up old friends, maye going to the cinema? Little things.
Please feel free to contact me through pm anytime i don't know you but i have this same vicious cycle and i feel trapped my SI is an addiction and i also feel like there is no reason for me to be alive you are not alone
xx -Lay'li
To be honest, I can't be bothered to prove them wrong. I can't fight any more. I think I'M giving up on me...? I'm too scared to go out and make new friends because they always hurt me in the end. I'd just like to seal myself off and be alone, but at the same time, I want people around me. Nothing makes sense any more, I contradict every feeling I have with another feeling.
I think you should question why you feel you're giving up on you? Even when it feels like our whole worlds are caving in, it is still us, ourselves that have the power to save us. Perhaps you can really challenge yourself, and write a list of the things you like about yourself, and the things you'd like to achive? I liked an idea i found in my diary today ~ it said to draw around your hand, and in each finger and thumb write something that you're proud of. And then in the palm, write 'I feel positive about myself because...' and to fill it with as many reasons as possible. Perhaps you could tweak that a little and place it somewhere that you'll always see it. Often feeling unable to be with others can stem from a negative view on ourselves.
In regards to making friends, maybe making new friends is too big a step to make in one go? You might enjoy just by starting to get out, and see people only for one night or in passing. Send an email once in a while rather than being in such close and constent contact. Having people to speak to, even if it isn't about things that are bothering us can be quite uplifting.
Is there anything you'd like to talk about?
Take care,
Hey there my beautiful lil sis, thanks for sending me the link to this as you know I've not logged on in here for a while now. Anyhoo, I'm glad that you're reaching out for help and support here where you'll find people who really do understand, and I know it can be easier sometimes to be open with people who a relative strangers and who we don't have to face, but for people to give appropriate advice, some may need to PM you to get to know your situation a little better.
If I was healthy then I'd come to where you are, help you set up a home of your own, get you a support worker back and kick the GP's arse!! Well stick a crutch up his bottom at least! Yeah therapy/councelling definately makes you worse before it gets better, but they can't leave you like this, so they need to find you some sort of residential programme. Easier said than done to get this all sorted when sufferring agrophobia and anxiety and lacking the motivation to even try and get it sorted, but it would be better than lots of outpatient appointments. I just don't know what is available where you are, how much is funded by the NHS and I know that you don't have close support to help you organise it all, which is why I firmly believe you need a social worker or something again to deal with all of that for you and look into things.
As for everyone giving up on you, I haven't and I never will! I am determind to tap dance on braodway at the age of 86 and you are going to be there to give me a standing ovation, ok?! You are a beautiful person inside and out who has been through more than anyone person ever should, but it is those of us who suffer, who are destined for great things. Don't let life beat you, be a survivor and show life how you can take what you want from it.
I love you! *sister snuggles*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
I started doing "Things That Made Me Feel Good This Week" every week, but stopped, so maybe I need to do some more of that; blog it or something. I used to do a Things I'm Grateful For, but it always got f**ked up because I'd put "self-harm" or "death" etc.
I'm trying making friends on support sites, just online friendships for now. That's a start, right? Just reaching out by posting and typing how I feel...?
Being able to express yourself is great, and a really positive step.
The only possible problem with online friendships is you are often sharing very intimate details about yourself with people you have only known for a short time. People can act differently because they feel empowered behind their computer screens, and things always have the possibility of getting out of hand. Finding people you have things in comon with is super ~ you should just be aware.
Hi hun Im so sorry you are struggling.I ve lost my Dad too its not something I can articulate either.I also get pushed from pillar to post I have an Ed but other issues aswell that nobody wants to treat or they do but they ignore the Ed as my weight isnt critical its so hard to fight I know.Please dont give up.Do you have a care co ordinator or could you speak again to your Gp and explain your anxieties and fears.Sorry not tyo be much usex
