I didn't want to make a thread about this. But I'm struggling to cope.
My dad has been to A&E twice in the last 2 weeks because of suicidal thoughts. The second time (Christmas day) he had gone to his brothers to steal some of his schizophrenia meds in order to overdose, but couldn't find any tablets and was picked up by the police on his way home. It resulted in him spending Christmas night, and most of Boxing day in a mental health ward. They agreed to let him out if I promised to take care of him for a while.
Obviously he's my dad so I couldn't say no, but now I'm at his, without my boyfriend, which is hard enough, but my dad is just lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. Its really awkward and I don't know what to do. I've managed to persuade him to get dressed and have a cup of tea but thats it. I am supposed to be working Wednesday and Thursday and my dad insists he will be ok while I'm gone but I don't know if I should leave him.
I was going to go to the doctors myself in the new year because I've been struggling anyway, but now I feel like I can't because with my dad and brother and my nan all on anti depressants I feel like I need to be ok in order to take care of them. And I can't admit to them that I've fallen into the same trap.
You have to admit where you're at or you won't be around to care for anybody. And as cold as this sounds, your dad is responsible for his health, not you. Maybe he should be at the hospital. They can take round the clock care of him and help him more... They don't have to go out.
I don't want you saddled with the guilt if something bad happens because really you can't prevent it. It was unfair of them to make it seem like you can.
This is so much pressure because i can hear how much you love your family. But I am very concerned about you. Don't forget to take care of you too.
Can you call the hospital for your dad?
Can you phone up the ward he was in to ask if they can send someone out to check on him whilst you work Wednesday and Thursday? Just explain to them that your father was in the ward, that he's had suicidal feelings, etc. Maybe they can send a cpn or someone over just to check up?
You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about needing to visit the doctors in the new year, putting too much pressure on yourself by trying to force yourself to be ok will just make you feel worse in the long term.
Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money.
They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with.
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
At the end of the day, you shouldn't have to look after your Dad, esp if your struggling too.
It is hard to care for someone with an MH problem. I know as I spent ALL my teen years doing just that, it drained my very soul.
Ask his team for more support and also carer support. Say you are not able to provide the right amount of care he needs right now and that they need to look into how to best help him without having to rely on his family.
My mum was often discharged into my care after an OD or an ip stay, her Dr saying "her daughter is at home she'll be fine". I was 15, at school selfharming myself and an ed surficing.
Make sure you get it clear that they need to take on the part of his care that they need to.
It is clear your struggling so get burdened beyond what your capable of.
Care for him, certainly. But YOU ARE FIRST.
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
I agree with everyone else. Especially that you need to look after yourself first and that your dad's health is his responsibility. However, it sounds like your dad's risk of suicide/suicide attempts it really high at the moment whilst his mood sounds very low, and I would not trust that he would keep himself safe if he was alone on Wednesday and Thursday.
I strongly suggest that you contact his care team, as people have suggested, and ask their opinion. They might be able to provide support for him whilst you are away and will be able to assess his mental state. It would also be worth talking to his care team about how you're doing and that you're not strong enough to be his carer at the moment - please do get help for yourself, you're not a failure for becoming depressed and it would be so much more positive for you to be treated than it would to allow things to build up until they're crushing you.
If your dad doesn't have a care team or contact number, you can phone for a Mental Health Act Assessment at any time. I can't remember who you phone for this, but you can always ask the GP/out-of-hours GP
Just to agree with everyone else, you need to look after yourself as well. Caring for someone is very very stressful, but you need to meet your own needs as well (both physical and emotional needs).
As disappear said, it is possible to arrange for a Mental Health Act assessment if it comes to that point, do you think a proper assessment or a stay in hospital for a little while would help? Even if not, there is help and support they can offer your dad - and you - at home as well. Has your dad ever spoken to a Crisis Team or a Home Treatment Team, anyone who could come round and visit him at home for some more support?
You do need to put yourself first, I know it's easier said than done and that you feel like you have to cover up your own feelings and concentrate on other people - but your health has to come first, and you can look after each other better if you're ok too. Please don't avoid going to the doctor because of this - if anything it's even more worth going now, even if just so that they can give you some reassurance or advice for where to get help and support.
And as cliched as it sounds, try and spend some time looking after yourself, watching a film, doing something creative, having a bath, whatever you like you do, give yourself some time to do it.
Thanks everyone.
The Crisis team are coming round today so I guess I will ask them if they can send someone round whilst I'm out at least one of the days. I can take him with me the other day if I have to.
I just wish I lived nearer, so I would be able to still see my boyfriend and my friends. At the moment because I'm at my dads I'm an hour away from any other family or friends so they can't really come round to keep me company very easily. And obviously I can't stay here forever because I have my own life, but its not like I could live at home and just nip round and see him every day, especially as I'd have to deal with Uni as well.
But it was my dads choice to move away.
I'm worried about what will happen to my little brother too. My dad isn't his biological father, but is the only father he has ever known, and his only carer. He is at my nans at the moment, but goes back to school soon so he will have to be here, which means that I'll have to stay even longer in order to take care of him too. I don't mind, but it means I won't see my boyfriend for a while and I'm scared he'll lose patience with me and my family. If I lived nearer then my brother and dad could live with me and my boyfriend, and my brother could still go to school, but its just not an option because I live too far away.
It just feels like an impossible balancing act. Because I'm trying to find time to look after my dad, see my brothers, visit my nan, and spend time with my boyfriend. As well as finish my degree. My poor friends barely even get a look in, but I miss them so much.
I kind of blame myself for my dad being like this, because I hadn't seen him in a while. But its always me that makes the effort to drive or get the train to see my family, none of them ever visit me.
I think it boils down to "are you sure you can keep him safe yourself?".
Caring for someone who is suicidal is extremely draining, and frankly you can only watch them so much - we all need to sleep.
I know it seems like a horrible thing to do, but have you considered asking for him to be admitted to the hospital?
And it's not your fault. This probably would have happened anyway. *hugs*
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I agree with the idea of him possibly being admitted. I don't think this is fair on you to be this sole carer right now as it is remving you too much from your own life. You need to express this to the treatment team.
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
I agree with the "I need to sleep" bit.
He went out to the park at 6am this morning.
Short of locking him in the flat theres nothing else I can do.
He has ADs, but not enough to overdose on.
The Crisis team/Home Care team are coming round daily and I took him to the gym today which he seemed to enjoy. Its ok I suppose, we are rubbing along ok. I can't send him back to hospital because he would hate it. And he is no trouble really. Except at night.
I'm leaving him for a few hours tomorrow, but the crisis team are coming in the morning. And he is seeing his wife in the afternoon (which I'm not happy about but at least he will be with someone) and then hopefully I should be back. He has promised to text me every hour too. And says he won't "drop me in it, by doing something stupid whilst I'm looking after him".
I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
It is a bit of a weird situation. But its a piece of cake really. He's not violent or anything.
Yeah, no matter how hard you try to watch them you cannot physically watch them all the time. I was caring for a suicidal friend a while ago, and if I turned my back for a second something would happen...
Honestly, however much he'd hate it, maybe it would be good that he was safe, and you can't watch him forever. Do you think he's going to improve in the near future? You're not making a big deal out of nothing. Look after yourself. *hugs*
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
And says he won't "drop me in it, by doing something stupid whilst I'm looking after him". But what about after? I read that and immediatly thought of how trapping that may sound. He doesn't live with his wife? It isn't my buisness but can she not help out a bit or is there a reason she isn't with him right now?
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
No he doesn't live with his wife.
Complicated situation but put simply she is a manipulative cow lol.
Both me, and my dads one and only friend agree it isn't a good idea for him to be around her at the moment. My dads friend is back from holiday next week, so he will be able to help out, although he also lives a fair distance away. And my dad is hoping to go back to work soonish. He is getting CBT and stuff so I'm hoping I won't need to be here for too long if he improves.
I hope everything works out OK and that you are all doing good.
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
