**** it...thats what i was just called by my own sister.
so its happened yet again. we've been on great terms for a few months ans she BLOWS UP on me. wanna know why? Kelly answered the phone. i was actually trying to get some sleep ans my sister told her to wake me. as Kelly was getting off the sofa, she "sighed". apparently this just pissed my sister off to no end? first off..Kelly has a bad chest cold and sighs alot lately.....it had NOTHING at all to do with the phone call! so when the phone gets to me..she has hung up. i didnt know at the time she was angry..so i try over and over to call her back...voice mail, of course. Kelly tells me that Becca told her my aunt who has Keith was in a "mini crisis". so now im worried sick BUT im afraid to call my aunt because everything in this ****ing family is so god damn secretive...and i dont want to cause trouble.
after 30 minutes of calling becca...she finally answers. her tone is completely flat. she tells me its too late about Leanne because she was in a clothing store and needed my clothing size to buy a present for our christmas celebration on new years. that was the "mini crisis"!!!
so i continue the conversation with Becca and she is so pissed off about this supposed "sigh". i am truly amazed at a person like this. i go into a trance to where i wonder "am i adopted?" i have nothing in common with my family.
she contiues bitching. i continue trying to calm her down as christmas is next week for our family and when i will see my son. nothing works. she tells me that Kelly and i are both "lazy bitches". i live on disability so i cant possibly contribute anything to society. i struggle with this fact EVERYDAY WITHOUT having it thrown in my face.
so here i sit...with my mood sunk into a pit....thinking of the bathroom and what blade i can find....not giving good ****ing damn if i slice myself up. actually WANTING to. knowing that for years.."it" was my friend. and maybe i should reconcile with this "friend".
dont know what in the hell i want from this. im crying too much...doesnt help at all with the headache. and worried sick that if my sister and i dont resolve this that i WONT go next week and be shunned by everyone which means i wont see Keith.
i feel like dying..but i wont.
sorry for all the "not so nice" language but couldnt be bothered to care about it myself...
Last edited by pea soup : 28-12-2010 at 09:49 PM.
Reason: title change
Rachel honey, you've had an amazing week! Do not let her stupidity ruin it for you. Don't give her that kind of power over you! There's time for everything to be sorted out before you go to see Keith. Take some deep cleansing breaths and regain control. You've got this!
I think Becca has some issues of her own that she needs to work through! People sigh all the time, hell people do and say an awful lot worse than that and people don't go off on one.
I think you need to m,aybe start trying to reconsider your definition of 'contributing to society' because until you do, whenever someone says something (unfairly) like Becca did today then it is always going to trigger guilt, and that is guilt that you don't deserve. People feel guilty when they think they have done something bad or wrong....you HAVEN'T. You are on disability because you have a condition which makes 'normal' functioning difficult, in the same way that someone with a broken back or any kind of serious physical condition would find difficult. You contribute to society by raising Kaleb, by taking care of yourself and Kelly, by helping us on here and by every little thing you do for other people and yourself. Yes, maybe in an ideal world you would be well enough to go out and contribute more financially towards 'society' but for now, you aren't and personally I think the caring you are doing for Kaleb etc is a far greater contribution than a lot of people give!
I was wondering though what your thought pattern was when you got off the phone to her? Like, I understand why you might be annoyed and upset because of what she said (I probably would be too), but did you ask yourself why it was you were annoyed and upset? And then why that meant you should harm yourself? I'm not very good at explaining the point I am trying to make, sorry.
Why would you miss the opportunity to see Keith though just because your sister is being a total cow bag? Would she not allow you to see him?
no, i think she would let me see him. it's just that every year i am shunned at the holidays with my father's side of the family....partly because i dont raise Keith and partly because of the accusations i made against my father that only became public to my family a few years ago, and it was hell. they hated me, seriously. we are all still on very shaky terms. the information came out without my permission. my brother actually did a search history, found RYL and found me!! he then went crazy with hatred towards my father but they reconciled..anyhow...its something that is in the past..but will continue to rear its ugly head at times, ya know?
i felt like harming because of the guilt and also because i seem to have trouble with someone in my life at all times, whomever it may be. and that isnt normal i dont think. sooo...i conclude that i AM doing something wrong to cause this. there is a common factor and it is ME!!
however, Becca called a bit ago and apologized. she said that she has been so stressed lately and she just exploded on me because she knew i would forgive her when others wouldnt. pathetic. i accepted the apology like the wuss that i am. and i feel guilty about that. i should have stood my ground. i should have a backbone. at least i know i will see Keith. i am still teary and feeling depressed. it hurts even more because ive been riding this wave of extreme happiness for a while now and when it is snatched away, it hurts even more.
i havent harmed yet and dont know if i will. im zoning out to my music right now....
thanks again.
loves.
xxxxx
I am glad she has apologised although I don't agree with her actions still, or the rationale she has for treating you like that!
I am really glad you will still see Keith, I can't really comment on your exact family circumstances but I do understand how difficult and conflicting it can be on such shaky ground with your family, feeling conflicting emotions towards people etc etc.
Why are you still thinking of harming? Why do you think logically you might still be feeling depressed and upset? How is harming going to change that?
i guess because for over 20 years it has always been what i fall back on. i have managed alot of situations in the last few years without it but it still is always in my mind.
i didnt understand "recovery" from self harm until i was actually in it. it basically feels like an alcoholic will always think of taking a drink when things get rough. they may never take that drink but the though is still there.
and since it hasnt been long since i relapsed with si in a really bad way...the instant reaction of thinking about it when things go bad has come back strongly.
i will say that a year ago...i would be here bleeding right now or have blisters forming somewhere...not talking it through or thinking about it. its always been completely impulsive for me. so putting it off is actually a good sign. lets hope for the best :)
I'm sorry she treated you like that, it was totally uncalled for apology or not. You are doing so well, don't throw it all away by harming yourself you are worth so much more than that. Please take care of yourself
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Yay Rach :) I was not trying to be critical or anything like that hun. I just wanted to try and help you ground and rationalise. I am really proud of how well you are doing! You should be too xxxx
Emma..sweet girl...i know you werent being critical. i dont believe you have a critical bone in you, lol. i knew what you were asking. hope i answered it with all my rambling :P
thank you all for talking to me and keeping me occupied. its been a great help from me slipping off into the bathroom to harm.
im going to go lie down again and try for some much needed sleep.
Hello darling :) When I read the first post I was like YAY! becasue I knew how far you'd come. You were talking about doing it not talking about having done it. And then to see you post again with that realisation yourself? Makes me so proud of you :)
I'm glad you get to see Keith next week and I know you will love every minute you have with him! And that is ALL that matters!!!!!! *hugs cuddles and lots of licks* Love you sweetheart!
Love
Jess
p.s. hope Kelly feels better :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
i didnt want to start another thread so i'll just stay on this one.
i never harmed last night :)
and ended up not waking with headaches like i normally do in the night.
but ive developed a migraine today :(
i am SO tired of pain in my head!!
and my ankle is just ridiculous, lol. the damn thing stays as big as a baseball everyday. when i wake its always swollen and as the day goes on it only gets bigger. i elevate and ice..yada..yada.
its been out of a cast for a month now and it hurts more than it ever did! uggh.
im looking in my bedroom right now and i have done ALL our laundry over the past few days but havent foled or put them away and there is a MASSIVE pile of clothes staring at me!! i would put them away if it werent for my ankle plus i have to play the Wii with Kaleb everyday because he is only 6 and needs help with it, of course...that isnt good on the ankel either. Kelly and i take turns helping him. i know im just complaining now and i feel like a big poop head:(
i mean, there is nothing majorly wrong....im still bitter with my sister but am trying to get past it.
Kelly has gone to the docs and she is regularly prescribed pain meds...and when i have these headches she shares them with me but that leaves her with none before she sees the doc again and that makes me feel guilty as hell. but i have shared with her when ive had them if she has needed them. i know youre "not" supposed to do that but they have gotten SOOOO strict on meds in this freaking country that you might as well have a limb falling off of you before they will help you. and its because IDIOTS sell these meds and it really messes things up for people when they do really need them!!
migraine just made me vomit :( I hate throwing up...especially when there is nothing but coke and it comes out in these little black pieces...ughh...sorry for the graphicness. my eyes hurt :( im going to cry now...
You aren't whining hun. And I am so so so so so PROUD of you for not self harming and the way you are dealing with everything going on for you at the moment. Really :). Will pop back in a bit but in the mean time I hope your migraine clears a little.
btw....that is why you should never drink coke. Plus the fact it is gross :P
Honey your ankle shouldn't be that size anymore so go back to the hopsital and have it looked at! When mine wouldn't go down I got stuck on crutches, which isn't fun but helped heaps! So GO! Or I will growl at you. Grr. Yes. :P
My washing basket is overflowing with washing that needs to be done so you're ahead of me there :P Also if you can't stand, drag the washing to the couch and fold it there :) That's also something I did!
I hate throwing up too. Milk is the worst thing to throw up though. Ewwww :P Did it make your head feel a little better thoguh??
I love you honey.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
...especially when there is nothing but coke and it comes out in these little black pieces...ughh...sorry for the graphicness.
Urg, that sounds pretty darn disgusting! Perhaps try water next time? I'm sure the caffeine, e-numbers and sugar does nothing to help a migrane! Poor you, a girl I used to live with had migranes and they seemed horrific, I can imagine nothing worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pea soup
i felt like harming because of the guilt and also because i seem to have trouble with someone in my life at all times, whomever it may be. and that isnt normal i dont think. sooo...i conclude that i AM doing something wrong to cause this. there is a common factor and it is ME!!
however, Becca called a bit ago and apologized. she said that she has been so stressed lately and she just exploded on me because she knew i would forgive her when others wouldnt. pathetic. i accepted the apology like the wuss that i am. and i feel guilty about that. i should have stood my ground. i should have a backbone. at least i know i will see Keith. i am still teary and feeling depressed. it hurts even more because ive been riding this wave of extreme happiness for a while now and when it is snatched away, it hurts even more.
If it helps I generally seem to have trouble with people often too. I never used to as a kid but that was likely because I never really spoke...whereas now! I always think it is me too, but then again I doubt anyone is going to get on with absolutely everyone all the time. Maybe we're more sensitive to it and that's why it feels so bad? I dunno, i'm guessing.
Accepting an apology does not make you a wuss. It makes you strong. To forgive someone takes a lot of strength and doesn't mean you have been walked all over. However I understand that perhaps you didn't sincerely accept her apology but for the sake of ease told her it was okay etc.
It sounds as though you need to set up some clear boundries with your family, including your sister. Accepting an apology doesn't mean she has the right to talk to you that way and perhaps you need to have a conversation with her where you make it clear what is and isn't acceptable. With families it is difficult because they are a few of the only people you can display your badest temper too and still be forgiven and loved (which is a blessing i think at times!), but that doesn't make it okay for anyone to take advantage of that bond. I think there are a few things you need to discuss with your sister when you feel stronger in yourself. I think this fear that she will hold Keith as a ransom over your head so you feel you can't say 'no' to her isn't acceptable and she needs to be aware of that. Is Keith your son? If so you have every right to see him. Actually truthfully, this isn't even about you, or your sister or anyone else in your family, it doesn't really matter who does or doesn't raise him, it is obvious everyone cares about him and therefore rightfully his needs should be put first.
I'm sorry you've been struggling over the last few days. I hope things get easier for you.
im feeling really down today. my social worker came by and we did the usual "questions". he always asks me if ive harmed and i always tell him the truth. so i said yes....
he comes twice a month and those days are hard for me because i have to talk about whats going on, etc. it just makes me feel more of a failure, i guess.
he keeps pushing me about doing the self affirmations and my low self esteem. hes right about it. and i know i should. theres just something in me that thinks i just dont deserve it.
im doing my best right now and am about to fold a load of laundry. its going to be hard because there are so many loads and he told me to only do one or i will set myself up for failure and he's right. but ive always been an "all or nothing" person....so im going to have to teach myself how to give myself realistic goals.
I know abotu that whole setting yourself up for failure thing. It's cruddy to realise we can't do everything! Just let yourself do one load. Then go do something else. Then come back again :) You can do it honey. You've come so far! I'm so proud fo you :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I always think it is me too, but then again I doubt anyone is going to get on with absolutely everyone all the time. Maybe we're more sensitive to it and that's why it feels so bad? I dunno, i'm guessing.
