|
Do I just set out to hurt everyone I love??!!
Around 6 months ago i did something terrible. It could of really hurt someone i loved if they found out. I just blocked out the guilt till i was numb and took it out on that one person I was wanting to protect. Then i did something worse. This time it could of really hurt two people i love. They almost found out but i wormed my way out of it and now im pretty certain i have got away with it. I'm glad cos i don't want them to be hurt but at the same time i haven't been punished and i know i deserve it. Now I have done something terrible again. This time it could hurt a lot of people, my family and someone i love along with upsetting many others.
Not only do i not learn from mistakes I just make sure i do them worse next time and make sure i endanger the happiness of more people that i love.
It's killing me inside. I can't come clean because that would really change peoples lives for the worse and ruin some strong friendships. I will never come clean no matter how many times someone might say "they deserve to know"! Not because i don't want to take what is coming to me. I need to be punished for the wrongs i have made but they do not deserve to know, they do not deserve that pain.
What kills me is i don't want to be a bad person but it is too late. If someone described myself to me and what i had done I would be disgusted. Yet in all honesty i always thought of myself as a good person. Obviously i'm not. But its like there is two parts of me. The good girl who loves those close to here unconditionally and would never want to hurt them. Then there is the evil side that only thins of herself and would risk so many peoples happiness just for her thrills!!
Sorry i know this isn't a question as such but i just really really needed to rant. I obviously have no-one to talk to because what i have done is too despicable to tell anyone. Thank you if you read all this!
|
