why bother?

lozza · 02-12-2010, 06:47 AM

I am here again. Rock bottom. Giving into urges. Begging others to finish me off as I dont have the guts to do it myself

I dont think it matters anymore. That I will ever make it out of this hell alive.

I hate myself for burning today. I hate myself cuz I didnt even know why I was doing it...

I dont deserve help or support. Rationally I know this is not true though. But ella is winning and I feel like I have been knocked down and cannot find my own two feet to stand back up on.

I am scared

ethereal314 · 02-12-2010, 08:10 AM

I know that feeling. I know it seems like there is no end to it. But things will get better. There are people who care about you and who want to help.
What is it that you think you are afraid of?
Is there anyone you can call, or anywhere you can go where you feel safe?

I hope you feel better soon, hon.

-Sheena-

lozza · 03-12-2010, 05:00 AM

ctbh I dont even know what I am afraid of! I am just so down in the dumps and the usual stuff that helps me get back up isnt helping. I tried calling my gp too just then and she isnt there

I dont know what to do!!

talaiporia · 03-12-2010, 06:35 PM

How are you today?
Could you go to A&E if you're feeling unsafe?
Did they say why you're GP wasn't there/when she'll be back?

lozza · 04-12-2010, 12:48 AM

no cant go to a&e... if I went there a resi would give me daggers thinking I was there cuz I did hurt me - long story!

and gp wont be back until tues - I see her tuesday arvo

talaiporia · 04-12-2010, 02:13 AM

Will you be okay until Tuesday?

lozza · 05-12-2010, 05:32 AM

I dont know... but cant do much else:/
so far so good though

akita · 05-12-2010, 06:06 AM

Can you talk to your recovery practitioner or get them to phone catt? I hope you can keep yourself safe until tuesday.

jonikd · 06-12-2010, 10:34 AM

Hugs Lozza, the road to recovery is a really bumpy one, you just need to keep believing in you and trusting in those around to help you. You still in the supported accom?

you OK? I haven't been around for a bunch of pretty average reasons, but remember that a day doesn't go by that I don't think about you over there and wonder how you're doing.

You matter Little One.
xo

in another life · 06-12-2010, 03:05 PM

You matter and you do deserve help and support hun!
I hope you are ok and keeping safe.
Take care!
*many hugs*

lozza · 11-12-2010, 07:29 AM

thanks guys and sorry I havnt posted in a few days
I have been trying to stay busy... not that it has helped much *cries*

was in a&e yesterday morning
I dont know what I am doing anymore

and this morning aI woke up to my mum calling me who told me that my youngest cousin S, who I havnt seen for over 6years (the night my grandpa hurt me in front of her) had been beaten badly by her mum and that my sister had picked her up:s

oh and this morning when i went home I noticed that both bumpkin and samuel had been attacked - by who I am not yet sure

will things ever get better or run smoothly? cuz right now I dont even know what I am doing!!!

I should also point out that I was meant to be doing volunteer work today but my supervisor told me to not go after I told her I was mentally struggling... made me feel so mad and angry!!!

argghhhh!!

Wannabfree · 11-12-2010, 01:13 PM

''hugs'' Lozza - sounds like things are really bad right now. Im sorry to hear about your cousin - but its not your fault - its the stupid people who keep on thinking that hitting and abusing others is ok (maybe i need to listen to what im telling you too). Nothing is going smoothly here either but please call anytime and we can at least chat for a bit? You are doing great for getting help...love you xxx

jonikd · 16-12-2010, 11:19 AM

miss you baby Loz. Sorry I haven't been around, but I'm still here and caring bout you 'K?
xo

lozza · 17-12-2010, 08:36 AM

its ok jk, I know how busy you must be this year round!!! miss you too
xxx

talaiporia · 18-12-2010, 01:56 AM

How are you today?

lozza · 18-12-2010, 03:21 AM

numb. very numb.
mouse our family cat was put down just before *cries*

-Rainbow- · 18-12-2010, 05:11 AM

*cuddles very close*
:( so upsetting xx

lozza · 18-12-2010, 11:16 PM

if you dont mind -unself- .....I'd really like those cuddles made real when I see you today - thanks

talaiporia · 18-12-2010, 11:59 PM

I'm really sorry about your cat. Do you know if you're getting a new one?

-Rainbow- · 19-12-2010, 12:00 AM

of course,
the second you get here massive cuddles coming your way. maybe we could go for a walk if the weather holds up and sit the the park for a while.
i just wanna do something to make you feel better xx