Not even so much a friend.. it's this girl we met at a concert near where she lives, and she's latched on, mostly to me. She asked if she could come to my house (i live the opposite end of the country) to another concert and I said ok. So since then she's been relentless.
She is quite ill and she is wheelchair bound so needs lots of help. On this one occasion I said i was ok to sit in disabled seating with her.
She doesn't have many friends in her area (shes tried making other disabled friends, no luck). And she's had zero social life for the past 3 years so now this new world has opened up to her. But unfortunatley it revolves around me.
I had planned to travel to a concert with a friend, and stay with my best friend who now lives quite a distance from me. This disabled girl has now invited herself along and thrown a strop when we said she'd need to stay in a nearby hotel (the friend im staying with is 4 floors up with no lift). So we're now in a hotel. She's now told me i need to sit with her in disabled seating cos she cant be alone. Its ruining these concerts for me :( I've told her this but she is a lot younger than she is due to being a bit sheltered.
I've tried to be nice but firm about it but she gets hysterical if I refuse her anything.
She doesnt seem to care about imposing on me. She's now talking about coming to a festival ive been to 9 years in a row, but she doesnt know anyone else thats going. I know whats coming next "you need to camp in disabled camping with me and not your friends" and i think a wheelchair would just be a nightmare at a festival.
I'm not trying to be insensitive, I wanted to help her but shes invading loads of my life plans, texting me 9 times a day in a row with no replies back from me. i've tried telling her gently but she is really just SO sensitive.
I really don't know what to suggest, except that I can see how hard this is, and completely understand.
I was going to suggest being firm, and being clear about the boundries, etc, because sometimes people find that hard to judge. Is there any way you could get one of her family members to talk to her, and try and get some sort of message across?
Also, I think you need to be completely and utterly clear with yourself, and her, about how you want your relationship to be, if that makes any sense. If there's any sort of uncertainty on your part it is likely to make it even less clear to her. You need to be firm and consistent, I'd say.
it sounds like shes abusing your support, whether she means to or not.... i agree that maybe asking one of her family members to speak to her might help. also, if you still want to try and be friends, you could explain that you still want to be able to enjoy time with your friends, and that that means that she can't come along to everything. but maybe you could plan some days to do things with her. just like with any other friend. its not normal to be glued together. you've each got to have your own things going on
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The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
This is a really hard situation for you to be in and I'm not 100% sure how good advice I can give.
Its hard to tell whether or not she is knowingly abusing your support. Maybe try to explain to her that although you want to be friends with her, you also want to spend some time with your other friends, but that doesn't mean you don't want to stop spending time with her. And as for the festival thing - if she asks, why don't you tell her that you have already made plans with your other friends and have already bought tickets that aren't in the disabled area and you've already promised your other friends that you will go with them. She can't argue with that.
And I also agree with other things that have been said above - you need to make clear how your and her relationship is, so she understands where she stands.
I hope everything works out for you.
DILLIGAF
"it’s when you’re acting selflessly, that you are at your bravest"
- Four.
♥
What makes it especially hard is we live about 8 hours on a train apart. So its not like i can say "oh well i came round to your house last week so lets have some time apart". The only times we see each other is at concerts (i travel all over for them) and she's happy to keep coming up here I think. But we wouldnt do anything socially aside from festivals/concerts.
Do you want to be this girls friend?
If you don't then just cut her out. Don't feel obliged to keep her in your life just because she's disabled. I'm sure you feel sorry for her but that doesn't mean she can abuse your relationship and that you have to change your life for her.
If you do want her to be your friend then just be honest and tell her you're finding the friendship a bit overwhelming and you want to stay friends but you want to cool things off a bit.
As for the festival, just tell her you already have your ticket in the general camping area and don't want to change it as you and your friends have been planning it for ages.
Yeah to me it sounds like she's manipulating the situation a bit. I know she may be desperate to have a friend, but that's not fair on you to expect you to change everything around for her all the time. She needs to try and make other friends, you can't be her only support. I'd say keep being firm, if she throws a fit about it, let her throw a fit about it. If she walks away, let her, she needs to respect you if she wants you to be her friend. In the end if she won't listen, she's not going to be a good friend, and it's not good to have a friendship out of feeling bad for someone, it needs to be an actual two way relationship. So realize you aren't being mean, you have a right to say no to her and if she won't respect that then it's honestly not going to work. I can't imagine how hard that must be, but it really sounds like it's frustrating you so I would really suggest being very firm and willing to let the relationship go if you must.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
She's a really nice girl in person but online it's just SO intense and constant texts. She's much easier to deal with when you see her because I do feel very sorry for her. I know thats not a good basis for a friendship.
She is taking advantage but there seems to be no balance between being her carer and cutting her out of my life.
You need to set some boundaries for this girl, and for your friendship together. I know you feel pity for her, but you need to remember she's just like us, she's a human being, though she is disabled, she can't have the rules stripped from her because of that, she needs rules & boundaries & she can't take advantage of you, it's wrong.
I have actually been in a similar situation before and I understand your feelings.
The girl who attached herself to me and obsessively contacted me was pushing me too far. What I did, was to be normal. Treat her as I would any other friend (ignore the texting for a moment). If you have made other fans, tell her and ignore the response if it's negative. Don't reward that behaviour with time and concern. Keep that up. The texting will probably increase while you're doing this but will then decrease as she, hopefully, learns and starts to treat you with respect.
You need to be firm. Her disability is not a free pass to do what the hell she likes. She's still a human, just with different needs.
^ Basically, that was better what I could have said.
She needs to know that you are happy to her be friend (if you are), but that's it - it's not your job to be a carer, and as you said yourself, that is no basis for a friendship.
DILLIGAF
"it’s when you’re acting selflessly, that you are at your bravest"
- Four.
♥
