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avoiding the obvious (poss triggering)
So I haven't SI'ed in a long time now, as far as I remember its almost a year since I properly hurt myself, but over the last two months i would say that ive have urges to just really go for it again. i guess its kinda the reason ive avioded here and moreso why ive not posted to help anyone (i feel like a hypocrite really).
i mean today was the most overpowering its been - i was carrying a shopping bag and it made red indents in my wrist and i just stared at it thinking i really really want to do this now. its pretty messed up because i know its wrong, i know i hate the scars, ive spent so so long trying to let my scars fade and now its in my head again and just screaming so loud i dont feel i can stop it.
maybe ive got that seasonal affective disorder because my depression is getting worse now. i should be happy and should be fighting this self harm thing because ive so much good going on but im starting to realise that all that im "happy" about is superficial and artifical - thats my whole life all over - i measure myself by success in education and work but realise that i have that but nothing else - i fight so hard for work and uni and now im sitting with nothing in my personal life and i cant build it now because i push everyone away and wont let that happen because im too sensible to let people in, im too mature to have fun when out - i end up looking after everyone else, nursing their broken hearts and no-one has ever helped mine... my hearts in so many pieces i cant count, and i leave it there because to talk about it im told im not "over it" and to even be civil to people from my past is too much energy and is too much drama. i walk away like a cowad because i dont want to start things over but it just makes me look worse, and then i feel like this...
i totally not making sense but hey, thats what my heads like now. i wish ignoring things would work again....
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