Contains illicit drugs - Emotional turmoil after weed
Well anyone reading this can probably figure out my problem by reading the title!
I'll start... Basically I started smoking weed around 4 years ago recreationally, within a couple of months it became a constant and heavy addiction to the point where without fail I would wake up with the same routine of cup of tea and a joint to start the day.
I stopped smoking around 4 weeks ago due to splitting with my ex girlfriend of 3 1/2 years who has moved out of our place. We still speak and are close, she is really supportive at the moment and we are brutally honest with each other.
Since stopping it's like I have had a major hit of realisation and am started to feel very depressed about all the precious time I wasted with this very special woman, the times she for instance has been excited about going out somewhere, and i've turned around and said "let me make another joint then we can go"... To no prevail as I would still be sat there an hour later. Thats just one example. I know if I never smoked we would have never split up, she agrees the connection between us both is something special and I feel I have wasted my chance.
I also feel it emotionally numbed me, because although I deeply love her, I never had the energy to show it, I was always suppressed by weed and feel I have suppressed her aswell and dragged her down with me, I'm feeling guilt and almost remorse as if a close person in my life has died.
I'm looking for a way out of this emotional mess I have admittedly got myself into, I don't know what to do or how long these feeling will last. I know there is still a chance with my ex, we talk, i go to see her and get on extremely well with her family, for all intents and purposes we had a strong relationship, our downfall being my own selfish desire to get stoned. I feel I need to make right all the wrongs and in some cases the non-existent things I have or have not done but don't know where to start.
I spoke for a long time with her on the phone last night, I cried my eyes out to her about the sorrow i am feeling, we are going to go to a fair together as friends later this week with my group of friends and i need some clarity and support. We still are very close, and i know she still doesnt trust i will never go back to weed, i have hurt her deeply. Be it for friendship or romance i want to make it right for her again and make her as happy as i could have given i didnt smoke weed.
The best was i can describe my feeling is this, imagine a balloon hovering above you're head containing all of you're thoughts, emotions and feelings but the balloon wont come to you because you cant see it, that is what i feel the weed has done to me, but since stopping a month ago, the realisation has popped that balloon and all of them pent up emotions have fell onto my shoulders and i feel i cannot cope.
Any advice or relation to my problem would be greatly appreciated, i feel desperate, something else i am not used to
First of all, well done on stopping. The desparation you're feeling right now is actually a positive (sorry, I know that's a lot easier for me to say than you to believe - if you were saying it to me I'd feel like decking you!) because it's the first step towards feeling better.
Can you get some professional help? Whatever the reasons for starting smoking, they probably still exist and now there's a whole lot more 'stuff' to work through because of the weed and all the things you haven't dealt with because you smoked the feelings away. Getting the right support would be another step forwards.
It's great that your ex and her family are supportive, but they can't carry the burden of being your sole support. You also mentioned a group of friends? Do they know what you're going through and will they help you find things to do/ways of getting through this that are heathy (i.e. don't repalce weed with alcohol!).
I find keeping busy helps, so anything you can do to have structured time could help. Do you work or study? If not, work (voluntary is great for new experiences and people) and part-time/evening courses are good starting points. Also any hobbies you enjoy (or used to enjoy, or have always wanted to try). I've taken up knitting, which gives me something to focus on when I'm tired and trying to wind down. But whatever works for you. There's a list of distractions somewhere on RYL? Not quite sure where, it's a sticky somewhere I think...
Thanks for the reply, it's greatly appreciated :)... I understand that her, and her family can't be the burden of my problem, that's one of the reasons i'm here.
I have no family of my own, especially the type of family I could confide in, I made the concious decision a while back to rid my life of them, the type of people they are, they have done me no favours in life, fortunately I have been very lucky to have met my ex, ex girlfriend who's family from the age of 15 took me under their wing and changed my life, her dad getting me an apprenticeship as a joiner at a good company and her mum teaching me that to get from life you have to strive... I was headng nowhere before I met those people. I was with her for 2 years and like i said it transformed my life, i split with her and moved on, meeting my current ex who again was always there and still is.
I never felt i needed weed, i just started smoking with my next door neighbour because i was a sheep to be honest and i wish i never did. There have been many problems in my life which i have overcome due to the help of those special people who in theory should never have been the people to help, but did off their own backs.
I feel now that i have betrayed and took for granted all the support and love my ex girlfriend gave to me aswel as her family who also treat, and still treat me no different from their own son and daughters. I greatly respect these people.
I understand i became lazy, selfish, bad tempered and arrogant as a result of my (former) addiction, and i suppose i'm crying out for help since i've been hit by this uncontrolable feeling of remorse, i feel i don't deserve these people who love me, and that i've always had the right guidance off the wrong people, as it should have been my own family that cared.
I feel so strongly about never smoking again that i know i will never start, i have actually begun to hate the drug. I feel i need to repay these people for my own concience and show them how much i appreciate what they have done with me, not so much my first girlfriends parents, they knew because back then i did show it, and still 7 years later at 22 have contact with them.
I know my current ex still loves me, she completely blocked me out of her life for about a month, but around 4 weeks ago she wanted to speak to me out of the blue, so she came here, we had a talk, she cried to me and let me know she wasnt ready to move on, i cuddled her, made her feel better and now we are getting on better than ever, at this point i was still smoking up untill i went to hers a couple of nights after that initial meeting where she let me back into her life and she told me that our relationship deteriorated when i started smoking weed. I stopped immediately and since then cannot stop thinking about what she said.
I'm constantly looking for answers, we have a long cuddle everytime i see her but no kissing, unless i see her out and she's drunk, it's then that she will randomly kiss me on the cheeks, neck and sometimes lips so i know she still has feelings but is also a very strong willed woman. I know she doesnt trust i wont go back to weed and i need to show her that i wont, and regardless of wether i get a second chance with her i feel i need to show her that i'm sorry for not showing her enough how much i actually do love and care for her.
I never felt like this untill i stopped and started to reflect, and now i feel i'm in a very difficult situation with no real answers as to where it's going to go
I think the best way to show you're sorry is to change what you do - and you're determined to do that which is a great first step. It won't be quick, but that will give you chance to work at bit on who you are as an individual before being part of a couple again.
Reflecting is also a good start! And recognising where you've messed up in the past. Try not to let it become the focus, though, the past is only relevant in order to make improvements for the future. A counsellor could be a good help in making the reflection positive and productive - are you in the UK? Your Dr can probably refer you, or there may be non-profits in your area who can help? Also, Narcotics Anonymous, for the suport of people who've made, and are making, the same journey?
Thanks :) I dont really refer to her now about my addiction, and try my hardest not to tell her my regrets! I really have found a new lease of life, so much so I'm joining the Royal Engineers! Just waiting on some minor documentation... I think this will help me hugely, give me something to go at, as well as still using my artisan trade.. WIN WIN...
I actually think that having my ex there, as a shoulder to cry on has really helped me, I've always had a stigma on the issue of discussing problems/crying, but have found that I literally could'nt care less because it helps to let it out to her.. I really feel I'm on the mend now and have found a far better understanding with my ex as a friend, you never know what the future holds, but for now it's still early days and the last thing I need is complacency.
My plan now I've overcome the initial remorse stage is to take it easy, focus on my new career, love, live and laugh :)
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu