It has been months since I last cut and looking back on my SH experience I feel really stupid. But then I realise that it is a coping technique and it helped me through a lot.
However, over the Summer a lot has happened to me and everything seems so much worse than this time last year.
Last year I went to Sixth Form and did my first year of A-Levels, and unfortunately I didn't do as well in my exams as I expected. So my choices were to re-sit the year or to go somewhere else. For many different reasons I decided to go to somewhere else and have a fresh new start. Turns out moving somewhere else wasn't as good as I'd thought it'd be.
At my new College I have made 2 really good friends over 6 weeks and they have been absolutely amazing at making me feel settled and welcome. However, one was removed from the course after being reported as a racist.
The second friend has been so supportive of me. We have only known each other for 5-6 weeks and we instantly clicked and got on so well together. However, we both SH and we both have anxiety problems. Or so I thought. It turns out she emotionally blackmailed me into telling her things about me and then she began to have the exact same problems so that she would get attention. In other words she became the worlds worst attention seeker. I feel really awful for saying it, but its the way it is.
She was still my friend but I began to see her as a threat. I started to go to counselling sessions through College, however my sessions would be after hers on a tuesday. I recently found out that everything I told her the night before she would repeat word for word to the counsellor and then when it was my turn to talk to her she would hear the exact same from me. She began to think that something was happening, and right she was. This girl who I had began to trust was making me look like a liar when in fact it was her. She would go around to people in the group and she would tell each person completely different stories and she was making up lies about me and other people in thr group. She would always go out of lessons and come back in holding her arm making it look as though she had SH'd when she hadn't.
She was called into College last week and I happened to be there doing work on my day off and I found out what was happening. She came out of this meeting telling me lies and stories about what had been said, when infact they were simply moving her to the other group because her work quality was lacking. I had to go to the Learner Support Officer to tell her everything that I knew, and they said that they knew everything that was going on. They had to ask to see her scars because they weren't entirely sure whether she was telling the truth or not. They didn't ask to see mine because they are obvious. It was discovered that she was actually lying about her SH, anxiety and everything she had told us all.
I don't want to sound like a little snitch or a little kid because i'm not. I'm a lot more mature than the way she has been acting. But basically everything she has done hasn't helped me at all. Infact she has made me really angry and ever since this all happened all I have wanted to do is SH. I thought I could trust her. SHe was the only person there for me when I started the College in September and now she has been moved I have no-one.
I didn't understand and still don't know what her reasons were for doing this. But all I know is is that she hasn't helped me in anyway whatsoever.
I feel awful for what has happened and I feel as though it is all my fault.
I just wanted to let it all out somewhere because I have no one to talk to at home and I can't write it down because people will find it.
I really don't feel very safe at all.
I feel really dangerous at the moment.
I don't know what to do.
Someone please help!
Turn your wounds into wisdom.. ♥ Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing! ♥
I'm sorry this has happened, it really hurts when your trust gets broken like that. Please remember that none of this was your fault, she choose to lie. Please try and stay safe though, you don't deserve to be hurting anymore than you already are. Are you able to talk to the school counselor about what has happened. Don't let this one girls behaviour stop you from trusting other people because not everyone is like this. Try and distract yourself if you can. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's terrible when people break your trust and hurt you like this. And it is absolutely not your fault, sweetie. She was the one who lied, not you, you are not to blame for this in any way at all.
As Kat said, can you talk to your school counsellor about what happened and how it's making you feel??
Keep talking here if you need to, because it does help to talk about things and get them off your chest. You shouldn't bottle it up. Try and keep distracted and focus on the fact that it's been months since you last SIed. You are a strong person and you will be able to get through this.
Again, I'm sorry that this happened to you. Take care
xx
Wow, she must have some pretty significant issues to do something like this....
It isn't your fault however. If it hadn't been you she would have just found someone else. I understand feeling hurt and confused because in some ways she was a good friend to you which just makes it all the more harder to understand.
I know it might sound cold and cynical but with you already having problems with self harm and sadness i think it is for the best that she is not a part of your life anymore. Like i said, she must have issues, but that is not your problem. You should work on your own stuff.
I can understand if you miss her but with your own stuff going on someone like her is just so bad for your head. Do you think you can find new people to bond with so you won't feel so alone???? If you ever need to talk you can always pm me, i won't mind. It must be very empty and confusing for you right now. Don't hurt yourself though. It won't make anything better. Possibly just worse. Though i get why you want to. If i was you i would want to cut too. Things like these can leave you shaken for a while, so try to be extra good to yourself and try to talk to your counsellor.
Have you made an appointment with your school counsellor now??
And do not feel stupid for slipping up, it happens to everyone. It's all part of recovery, so do not feel bad or stupid for doing it. I know that it's hard when you slip-up but it happens to the best of us. Try and concentrate on how long you went before without SI. That's still a huge accomplishment and you did really well. I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to pick yourself up and start again now. You can do this, I think the 3-4 months without show that you are a strong person.
Take care
Last edited by Lyddie : 19-10-2010 at 10:36 AM.
Reason: typo :P
Don't feel stupid for slipping up, it happens to us all one time or another. You did really well to make it 3-4 months so well done. The important thing is that you pick yourself up from this and try again.
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
