Triggering (SI) - Why is it so hard to do the things that save you? *Graphic*

[Gauloises]

I'm trying hard right now to recover my life. I have just emerged from a six-month period of intensive clinical depression during which I lost my job, totally lost control of my weight and eating (I'm a compulsive eater and obese, just so you know), embarked on a massive alcoholic binge that lasted about six weeks, and indulged in some self-harm for the first time in forever.

I honestly thought that this time last year was the last time I would ever put a razor to my skin. Now I have vivid red scars from my left shoulder to my left elbow, from my right knee to my ankle, and have also developed a bad habit of gouging all the skin off the back of my hands with my fingernails, which leaves the most appalling scars even weeks afterwards. Last night in a dream I sliced myself open and watched the blood cover the ground. I don't understand what happens in my head that makes me do this.

My mother got me on to Prozac and for the first time this year I've begun to feel human again. I'm going to work, cutting down on the booze, trying to exercise and eat healthy, and trying not to damage my skin. It's going OK, but I'm exhausted. I know these things will make me feel better, but there's something inside me which seems to block every attempt I make. Even the prozac lies on my bedroom floor for days at a time and I stare at it and just don't take it.

I don't understand why it's so hard to do the things that are good for you, that will make you feel better, that save you. I had therapy for years, I have a family who constantly support and encourage me, I have good friends and housemates and people that love me and who I long to be better for. I have no excuse for acting this way.

What troubles me the most is that I'm going to spend the rest of my life struggling against bad behaviours and habits and feelings. Even if I win most of the time, I don't think the craving to hurt myself in any way I can will ever go away. I'm 24 and my bones ache at the prospect of spending every day fighting an unending battle for the rest of my life.

I don't want to be this person any more.

[Puppet Strings]

Hey,
It sounds as if you've got yourself stuck in a very nasty hole, which is bound to be difficult to pull yourself out of.
Sometimes things can seem unexplanable, and you can feel as if they shouldn't be happening, and as if there is no reason for them to be happening. However, this can get you in to an even worse situation, because of just trying to accept it and suchlike, you get so hung up over the reasoning, that it makes things even worse, and harder to pull yourself out of. You may not have found a reason, and you may never do so, but it doesn't mean that you don't have a right to feel like this, because you do.
It can become so down to habit sometimes, especially if you've been struggling with destructive behaviours for a while, and it almost becomes like a comfort zone. Okay, so you may want to drag yourself out of it and feel better, but perhaps part of you if more comftable the way you are. You know how things are, you know what to expect, you know what to do if you feel bad. It sounds to me as if you haven't felt properly good in so long now, that it becomes hard to imagine, hard to comprehend, and even perhaps a little scary. It's more unknown, and it's less predictable in a sense.
Have you thought about starting therapy again? Talking to someone about exactly how you're feeling, and perhaps some more targeted and specialised therapy?
You're only 24, and you've got your whole life ahead of you. Things may seem daunting now, but things can change, and most probably will do so. You've come a long way already, from some of the things you were describing you've been through, so you can come through more. It may take a while, but unfortunately things like this do, as you fully know.
Anyhow, I'm running out of things to say!
I'm sorry if some of this seems a tad assuming, but I hope it helps in someway, shape, or form.
Look after yourself, and I hope things do get better,
Rach xx

[guiltyinnocence]

the battle your fighting will end, it just amy take some time
it seems like you've been trying really hard and that really good =)

i think sometimes things like self destruction are things that are predictable and that we can control, things like life we cant, and this causes us to sometimes fight the things that we know are good for us, i know that sometimes ill purposefully isolate myself when i know im gonna be in danger

have you thought about cbt or something like that? just an idea

if you ever want to chat just pm me *hugs*
xxxx