My heart is racing, and I feel kind of sick, like I can't handle it all. And maybe I can't (NOT a suicide comment).
My home life was horrible. I lived with my mother and father, and it was awful. I won't get into details, though... I turned 18 on August 28th. I moved in with my cousins Kim and Shane, Shane's girlfriend Z, and her son Thomas back in June. I've been sleeping on their couch since.
I didn't graduate high school; my mum kept me out of school a lot. She wouldn't allow me to get a job, either- I've been looking really hard for work, but no one wants to hire a high school drop-out who has no prior job experience. I depend on my cousins for support... and I hate it. I hate not being able to help out. The most I do here is watch the baby for short periods of time, and clean up after a night of drinking.
Ah. The drinking. My cousins have allowed me to drink since I've been here. I don't drink every night, I'm not an alcholic, but I still feel that when I get the chance to, I have to drink.
Now for the boys. I'll say it right now- I'm an idiot. I've slept with a 25 year-old who was (is) in a serious relationship. We were both under the influence. Afterwards, I started going out with a 16 year-old... The kind of meaningless relationship that you get into just to be with someone. We're still "together", but I honestly can't even call him my boyfriend. I've even cheated on him- twice- With a 28 year-old and a 22 year-old.
I can honestly say, though, that I do have feelings for the 22 year-old. However... When we slept together, we were both highly under the influence of alchohol, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he even remembers.
Here, it's all parties. It's all... Sex. Alchohol. Rock and roll. That kind of stuff... and I don't really know what to do.
I want to get my GED, get a job; Eventually, I want to try again for my high school diploma, because I want to go to a good art college. I want to live in a clean little apartment in San Jose, and I want to be an artist. I want to be happy.
I have been clean from SI since July 4th... but I also smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. It keeps me going, I guess. i just want to be... I dunno. I just hate being so messed up. I'm not even sure why I posted this, it's probably not organized or anything. If I wasted anyone's time, I'm sorry.
"These are the days that last forever." -The Exies
I haven't got much to say, unfortunately, but there's a few things that spring to mind.
It sounds as if you need to slow down, step back, and take a break from what's happening around you at the moment. Sit back, and try to figure out how you plan on achieving your future goals. Perhaps try to enroll in art courses for now, and get a low skill level job at somewhere like a supermarket, just to give you some income & experience too.
Could you take a short break, away from what you're in now, so that you can focus on yourself & your future? To be honest, it sounds as if where you are now is doing you no favours - to your self-worth, self-esteem, independane, and so forth. Yes, it's providing you with somewhere to stay and suchlike, but the more you stay there the harder you may find it to move on.
Are you receiving any support at the moment? That'd help you with your feelings, and would allow you to start working things out within yourself. Other types of support may be worth looking in to too - like financial and job support.
Good luck, and take care, xx
You're not wasting anybody's time at all. What's good about this post is that you have definite goals you want to achieve. So like has already been said sit back and think about how you can achieve them. Set targets for yourself that you can realistically keep. it doesn't matter if they're small for now because pretty soon you'll gather momentum.
Can you enroll in a school near you? Can you set up an appointment with a careers advice service? Could you get an apprenticeship? You may have to start at the bottom of the ladder initially but you can soon work your way up and you'll get valuable experience.
Good luck and I really think you should be proud of yourself for having goals!
Kiran
xx
Princess Alice, crazy, lazy and sweet
