Graphic - going back into hospital - scared

[lozza]

so my gp and pdoc together arranged another hospital admission for me. I am not quite sure when I will be going in but I am on the top of the list and am listed as a high priority (dont feel like one though so would love to know exactly what 'they' said about me!)

I am scared though cuz I hate having no control, being looked after... being kept safe... I am scared cuz my head is way too strong right now.

I may not be going in until the weekend or early next week, I hope that day never comes, that I have the guts to do something before hand

I just, I dont know... everything is so loud and confusing in my head. I am scared of that.

For the past few days I have been relying heavily on some health professionals and I feel so bad and guilty of that cuz I know I should be relying more on myself to help me make it through the minutes of each day.

I just dont know!!!!
Am I feeling safe - no.

Will I allow myself to speak up again.. probably not, but I am trying as hard as I can.

[Jetforce]

*hugs u tightly* it sucks having to be admitted again back to hospital! But yeah, i hope the ppl in the hosp look after u well. If not, i'll come over and give them a kick somewhere! Anyways, hope they sort out things and when you get out, your feeling much better than when you get in. Stay well there x

[crazykat]

You did well telling them Loz, I hope the hospital admission helps. We are all here for you and care about you very much so hold on there. *cuddles*

[xbeckyx]

Hey hun, well done for getting help. I hope that hospital will help you and you can accept the help they can offer.
Take care of yourself.

[lozza]

thanks guys

well last night I arranged to help out tan who I usually work with on fri arvos at a youth drop in centre... today they have a working bee and are fixing the place up and bringing in couches, mats, computers and many other cool things.... so I will be busy at least?

thoughts are overwhelming though. I feel like my dad hates me.
I dont want to be living. And I am scared of that but it also doesnt scare me at all?

I dont know. Over everything.

[-Rainbow-]

it sounds like you are ain a hectic place in your head right now, so it is positive you have decided hospital is the best way for you right now.
let the staff look after you and keep in mind that you are working towards your own independence even if it doesnt feel like it. and this is your decision, not controlled by anyone :)
its good you will be busy, sometimes its hard to to think about anything when you are so busy xx

[lozza]

yeh I guess... am just scared cuz am planning to tell tan I wont be able to help for for a while when am inpatient and ummmm well she is lovely and cares and knows a thing or two about mental health and just scared of her reaction as I trust her and dont mind telling her what she wants to know..

[Revival]

sweetheart I am so proud of you!! I know how close to impossible this is for you, well done for being so strong and brave. I really hope that it helps you, you know where I am if I can do anything xoxo love you

[lozza]

thanks ally, really needed to hear that

xx

[Revival]

you're welcome sweetheart *cuddles gently*

[rach3121]

*hugz*

So brave of you to be going in. I really admire the strength you have hun... and you do have a lot of strength.

Will be thinking of you

[lozza]

thanks guys

well today actually went well, although only 3 girls showed up to help with getting the youth centre up and ready for next week... and well the girls that came kinda only wanted to catch up with tan on how their holidays had been.. but overall it was interesting talking and listening to them... so I was glad I went:)
one of the girls, had just come back from a 7 day program on a sailing boat, she had a ball... it was great hearing someone so happy and see their eyes light up so much when they were tellling us of their invaluable experience!!!

back to me though, I felt sad cuz these girls were so happy and care free, I didnt feel like one of them. And as always the open forum they are having next wed night (is on binge drinking, drugs and depression) sent a shiver down my spine... why couldnt my own local community have something like that before I got so unwell.... I would have loved to have known there was someone or an organisation or that I could have turned too... that I didnt have to deal with all the abuse by myself and bottle it all up!
but with that being said I am glad tan is doing so much awareness work with the youth in that small country town, its great to know that things like mental health isnt still being swept under the carpet so to speak!!!

and talking to tan went well too, she is so understanding but I still envy her cuz of the great relationship she has with everyone and especially her own girls!!! ...like lol when she drops them off somewhere or that she likes them to kiss her goodbye, which is so sweet and her eldest daughter is in her mid teens I think so not that much younger than me!

sorry I dont even know what I am talking about right now... just trying to distract until my gp calls me as she promised she would...

sorry

[xlaurenx]

Loz, i can totally relate to you when you said about feeling sad seeing them girls so happy. It kinda hurts as i too wish that i could just be happy and not worry about if i will be okay tonight or would something happen and i wish my negative thoughts wouldn't hold me back etc. So i can totally relate.Hugs

Well done for talking to Tan though and am glad it went well. I'm so proud of you for all of this lauren, i really am. You have so much strength within you ,you really do.

Love you so much xxxxxx

laurenxx

[crazykat]

I'm glad the day went well, also well done on going I know it can be hard to do things when we are not feeling the best. It's hard to see others so happy when we are struggling ourselves, I can relate and it hurts. You will be happy again though so don't ever lose hope. Also glad it went well talking to Tan, she sounds lovely and maybe a good support/mentor.

[akita]

I know I haven't met you yet but I've been reading what you have written and really think getting help for this is the best thing you can do for yourself, if that means going into hospital then that's the best thing.

[-Rainbow-]

<3 you loz.
im only ever a phone call or text away.

[lozza]

thank you everyone

well today didnt go so well... I dont even know how it happened but I sh'ed very badly this morning and had to go to a&e for medical attention. I had to stay again to see the psych team but the guys that saw me were actually very human and at least one of them... anna seemed to undertstand and knew about sh as much as she could when she didnt suffer from it herself...

they are gona call the psych hosp I am going into, and see if they can find out when a bed may become available for me. The psych team will also call me tonight and early tomorrow morning where they will asses the situation again and see what else they may be able to do to help support me and keep me safe..

I am exhausted right now. But there is so much pain and anger inside of me still.

Everything feels like a massive mess and well yeh. I dont know

all your words really mean a lot to me though, so thank you xx

[akita]

It's good that they know what is going on for you right now and hopefully they can help you.

[freefall]

*hugs*
im just a pm away stay strongxxxxxxxxxxx

[Revival]

I love you sweetheart, hang in there *cuddles gently* xxx