Guilty after eating

SoopahLikeSchneidah · 02-09-2010, 02:37 AM

I've never been diagnosed with any type of ED, but I've had struggles with food for a while.

Whenever I eat, I feel incredibly guilty after.
Example: I had to force myself to eat some grapes a little while ago, because I hadn't eaten all day. Now, I'm completely beside myself, upset. I don't know much, but I know this shouldn't be a reaction to a few grapes.

I know that I'm supposed to eat, but I hate the feeling that I get after. I guess I feel like a failure, if that makes sense.

Is there any way to make this stop? Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous?

Buttercup. · 02-09-2010, 03:04 AM

Hi,

First of all, you are totally not being ridiculous. It sounds like you are really struggling with this, and you are not alone.

I think they best way to solve this problem is to figure out why it is happening. Is the issue related to your body image and wanting to lose weight, or is it related to an actual fear of food for other reasons?

Just because you are not diagnosed with an eating disorder doesn't mean that you are not struggling with one or heading towards one. This is something you should definitely discuss with your therapist (or if you don't have one, PCP).

This obviously isn't easy for you emotionally to go through, but continuing to eat this way is also very dangerous towards your health. Your body will become malnourished if you do not give it the nutrients it needs, and eventually, your body will be eating other organs for energy and that can be permanent and even fatal. It's so important that you try to fight this and get the support you need. Living with an ED is no fun, you deserve so much better!

I'm here if you want to talk *hugs*

Jess x

SoopahLikeSchneidah · 02-09-2010, 03:23 AM

It's a body image thing. I'm overweight (not terribly, but enough) I eat nothing but healthy food, I exercise every day. Nothing works.

I just want to be pretty.

Buttercup. · 02-09-2010, 03:53 AM

Aw hun. You are actually VERY pretty. I love the picture in your avatar and on your profile. And I wouldn't lie, you are beautiful!

I know it's tough to have a bad body image and it isn't just going to go away by one compliment. I struggle with a bad body image too, so I don't have any great advice. But I really would recommend you try to get into therapy to work on this. Maybe even seeing a nutritionist would help, as they could help you find healthy ways that work to lose weight if you want to do that. I wish I had more advice. But I am here if you need to talk and I really hope that you are getting enough support so you can fight this. *hugs*

SoopahLikeSchneidah · 02-09-2010, 04:04 AM

I'm working on getting the guts to go talk to a professional. But I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to right now.

I'm just tired of the assumption that because I'm overweight, it means I'm lazy, and eat junk all day. So I feel so self cautious when eating in front of others because I think that everyone is looking at me thinking 'there goes the fat girl, eating again. she should lose some weight.'

And it transfers over to when I'm alone. I feel pathetic & like a loser when I eat then.

I'm a mess. But thank you for your reply. :)

Buttercup. · 02-09-2010, 04:14 AM

Aw, well if people are looking at you, it's probably because they think you are pretty. Because you are. But I totally understand being self conscious...it sucks. So, I don't have much advice for that. But really I can relate to these feelings you have. I just wish there was more I could do to help!

Here's a little trick of mine. Call the doctor after hours...when it goes to their voicemail. It's a little less intimidating, and then you don't have to worry about what they will say back. You can even write down exactly what you are going to say before you call.

Or, you can write a letter and just drop it off, or even mail it. I've never done a letter before, but I've left messages for my therapists and doctors several times and it's so much easier.

Okay that's my two cents

SoopahLikeSchneidah · 04-09-2010, 04:30 AM

Today, I feel like a complete and utter failure.
I caved and ate a sandwich. Just one, and I'm freaking out.

It just seems so wrong. I want to be thin. Putting food in my system just goes against anything that I want.

I know this is stupid, and I just wish I could snap myself out of this. But I know I'm getting worse. I've gotten rid of all of the food in my dorm room. Just having it around freaks me out.

I understand that I'm doing irreversible damage. And that terrifies me. I just can't bring myself to eat.

It's pathetic though.
I don't think I've lost a single pound.

I'm so tired of feeling disgusting and huge.
Why can't I just be normal?

Catharsis · 04-09-2010, 06:40 PM

Your body actually needs energy (calories) to burn calories (lose weight).
If you genuinly need to lose weight, you should speak to your doctor so you can do it healthily. The irriversible damage you are doing to your body will just make you look sickly - being 'pretty' come from being healthy and feeling good.
Is there anything that would help you managing to speak to a doctor?

SoopahLikeSchneidah · 04-09-2010, 08:43 PM

I already spoke with my doctor.
She told me that I had to do the 3 meals a day, with snacks in between.
I just can't do it.
I told her that eating that much kind of freaked me out, and she basically told me, 'tough, get over it, and do it.'

Lyn · 04-09-2010, 11:11 PM

Your doctor's reaction was completely off, and wrong! You should go and find someone who is a bit more sensible and, really, a better doctor, and also talk to them about your fear of eating.
Are there any types of food that you don't mind eating/ mind less eating?

I hope things will turn out okay for you. :)
P.S. You are really, really pretty

SoopahLikeSchneidah · 05-09-2010, 04:54 AM

I try to make an attempt to eat, at least in the morning.
I'm mostly sticking to cucumbers and grapes.
But even with those I have problems.
I don't really even know when things got this bad. But I just can't stop.