I think sometimes it helps to take a step back and ask yourself what you would say to your best friend if s/he was in the same position that you are in now. Would you tell them they're being silly for worrying? That they're selfish for going back to university? Once you do that you might realise that you're putting completely unreasonable pressure on yourself to be okay. I know how it feels to feel like you have to be okay for somebody else's sake, but it's okay to cry, to worry, to fall apart, when you're dealing with the possibility of losing somebody you love. I'd be worried if you WEREN'T feeling scared and sad. It's normal. If you keep pushing it down and forcing yourself to be okay, trust me, it will come out in other ways.
I think a letter sounds like a really good idea, even if you don't give it to anyone. An even better idea might be to read it out loud to your counsellor. But it can be just for you if you want. Sometimes writing things down helps a lot more than you realise it will, because once you start writing, things just flow out and it helps you cry, and helps you let go of the control you are trying to have over your feelings.
Take care of yourself. x
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
I'm seeing the counsellor from the hospice tomorrow, he wants to see me weekly until I go back to uni because when I go back I won't have so much support, so I can try a write some stuff down tonight maybe. I'm not really sure what to say, but nights always seem more lonely don't they, so I might just write a bit and see what he says.
If my best friend was in this position, I would be sad for her, and I would think she had every right to be worried. Sometimes it's hard to be as understanding towards yourself as you might be towards other people I guess, so I will try and remember that, thank-you.
Writing things down is a good idea. Even if you don't show him, it's good to go to an appointment with an idea of what you want to talk about. Maybe just keep pen and paper near you, and write down anything that pops into your head? Or read through your posts and see if that helps you?
Quote:
If my best friend was in this position, I would be sad for her, and I would think she had every right to be worried.
Hold on to that, I think you forget this at times x
Thank-you. I think sometimes I do forget that, and maybe I need to work on that. I will try and write some stuff down before I see the counsellor at the hospice tomorrow, hopefully it will give me a bit to talk about with him at least.
Hi Liv. Did you manage to write something down last night? Have you seen the hospice cousellor yet? I'm thinking of you.
*cuddles*
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I didn't write anything down last night, I'm still not quite sure what to write, but I might just copy some of the stuff from my posts here.
I did see the hospice counsellor though, and I was honest with him. I told him about feeling selfish and like I'm overreacting, and he talked to me a bit about how I don't need to feel like that because it is hard especially with the uncertainty. He said we can try and come up with some ways of coping for when I'm back at uni, and ways that I can talk to people and keep in contact with him there.
So it was helpful. It's kind of nice just having somewhere to just talk about it and not feel awkward like when I'm with my friends.
Hi Liv, I'm sorry I've not been here for you. I can't say I know a lot about cancer but I want you to know you've got someone else to talk to about this or anything else. I'm just about to go on holiday, so won't get on here, but I'm always here for you. I, like everyone on here, care about you & I'm thinking of you through this. Don't ever deny yourself the right to be upset. Keep strong in yourself, but don't be afraid to let others know if you're not coping... you deserve support, and it's not weak to cry or to ask for help. I'll talk to you when I get back from holiday but until then keep yourself safe, and take care. *Huge huge hugs*
Lily
xxxx
Hey, I'm sorry I've not been around. Was away for the week.
I'm really glad that you are seeing the counsellor. It is hugely draining. I know that from my family therapy (incidentally, is family therapy an option? It can be really helpful to all sit down and talk your fears through together like that).
Would you be able to email him while you are at Uni perhaps?
I know why you feel guilty going back to Uni. But your mum doesn't want you to put your life on hold, just because hers is uncertain at the moment. And it might help you sometimes to be a distance away from everything.
But I also think you do need support whilst you are there.
I know when my mum died college felt really strange, because you look at people who think that failing an exam, or splitting up with their boyfriend is the end of the world and think "you have no idea what real problems and difficulties are like".
You have been through more than many others your age. And that can be isolating. But also remember that it does make you stronger. You know the important things in life,family, love, life and that is a valuable lesson, even though we usually have to go through something horrible to realise it.
I am really glad you got to speak to the counsellor, and am proud of you for being honest. You deserve to have somewhere where you can talk freely (in person) about what you're going through, as it is not easy. You are doing an amazing job though. Look after you; sending you love xx
I'm really sorry about being rather late to this thread, but as you told me in my recent thread, I'm very sorry that you are going through all this, like you say is an ongoing bad time. Things will get better, though, I hope you know that. You sound like as if you're getting some quite good support from your friends and the services.
Hey. I went to France with my family last week, we got back last night. It was really nice, it was normal. Kind of like the 'old' normal, if that makes sense. At the moment there are two types of normal. The 'new' normal is how this summer has been. It's normal to think about cancer now, to think about what will happen and how long it might be, and about making memories, and what will happen afterwards. And then there's the old normal, how it was before all this started. And that was mostly how the holiday was.
On Wednesday night though, we went out to a restaurant and while we were there my mum got really bad stomach pain, she said it was like a stabbing pain. She said it didn't feel like food poisoning, and she said it's the worst pain she's ever felt. She couldn't really stand up properly or walk properly, and she had to take morphine to make it stop, and she was crying. It was scary. And it kind of brought it all back, it kind of hit home. Probably it wasn't anything bad or related. If it was anyone else we'd probably just have assumed food poisoning. But because of it being the same area, and because my mum said it didn't feel like food poisoning, and maybe because the morphine made it stop (I don't know if morphine would work for food poisoning? But I assume it would). I don't know. It was just kind of scary.
My mum's going back to work in a couple of weeks though hopefully (she has to see Occupational Health first, but I can't see them having a problem with it). On Wednesday she has to see the doctor, but I don't know if they can give us any news yet, I think it's just a quick check-up and we find out more in a couple of months.
Sorry to come back from holiday and start going on about everything straight away. I just kinda needed somewhere to say that, 'cos I know it's probably nothing but it was still quite scary and I haven't said anything about it since. I don't know whether to talk to the counsellor from the hospice about it or not when I see him, I've got a couple of sessions left with him while I'm home and he's given me his e-mail address for when I'm at uni, but it's probably not a big deal anyway so there's not really anything to say. But it was still scary, so maybe I will.
That's strange. So it wasn't established what the pain actually was in the end? I'm also glad you (mostly) enjoyed your holiday, though. That's really good. It's also good your mum is planning to go back to work, it'll keep her feeling productive and give her something to do which will have a therepeutic effect.
No, we don't know what caused the pain. It only happened on Wednesday though, and not since, so I'm guessing that must be a good sign, like it was just food poisoning or something.
I think my mum's a bit sad today, but I don't know exactly why. She said this evening that she was in a bit of a depressed state of mind. She was talking about the Occupational Health meeting, and she said a part of her hopes they say she can't go back to work because if she's only got a few years left she doesn't want to spend all of it working. And yeah, it will be good because my brother and I are back to uni soon, so it means my mum will be at work rather than stuck at home worrying about everything too much. I said we have to be optimistic because it might be a lot longer than that, and she said that's called denial. But we don't know, because she really does seem fine, and there is that small percentage who make it past 5 years. And 5 years is such a long time with this, who knows what research and treatments they'll have come up with by then.
I think it's just coming back home, it's kind of brought it all back to reality for some reason, and it's a bit sad sometimes if that makes sense.
No, we don't know what caused the pain. It only happened on Wednesday though, and not since, so I'm guessing that must be a good sign, like it was just food poisoning or something.
Yeah, it could've just been something trivial if nothing else has happened. xxx
Quote:
I think my mum's a bit sad today, but I don't know exactly why. She said this evening that she was in a bit of a depressed state of mind. She was talking about the Occupational Health meeting, and she said a part of her hopes they say she can't go back to work because if she's only got a few years left she doesn't want to spend all of it working. And yeah, it will be good because my brother and I are back to uni soon, so it means my mum will be at work rather than stuck at home worrying about everything too much. I said we have to be optimistic because it might be a lot longer than that, and she said that's called denial. But we don't know, because she really does seem fine, and there is that small percentage who make it past 5 years. And 5 years is such a long time with this, who knows what research and treatments they'll have come up with by then.
Yeah, it's good to get your mind off things. And imo there's nothing wrong with a little optimism. It's certainly better than being pessimistic, and yeah exactly about the research. They could find life prolonging treatments, or even, with a stretch of chance - a cure in the mean while. Science is always advancing. But.. even in the worst case scenario that she has 5 years.. it's still a good bit of time, and there's still so much she can do to enjoy her life, and for you and your family to enjoy her presence.
Quote:
I think it's just coming back home, it's kind of brought it all back to reality for some reason, and it's a bit sad sometimes if that makes sense.
Well, yeah, that's what home is all about to be honest. Coming back to reality. But unfortunately, your reality is harder than other peoples at the minute, so of course it will all come back to you when you come home. But there's still more holidays and events to enjoy in the mean time, remember that. xxx Is there anything else coming up? Another holiday, a party, etc?
I think my mum's a bit sad today, but I don't know exactly why. She said this evening that she was in a bit of a depressed state of mind. She was talking about the Occupational Health meeting, and she said a part of her hopes they say she can't go back to work because if she's only got a few years left she doesn't want to spend all of it working. And yeah, it will be good because my brother and I are back to uni soon, so it means my mum will be at work rather than stuck at home worrying about everything too much. I said we have to be optimistic because it might be a lot longer than that, and she said that's called denial. But we don't know, because she really does seem fine, and there is that small percentage who make it past 5 years. And 5 years is such a long time with this, who knows what research and treatments they'll have come up with by then.
If she is unsure about going back to work then now might be the time for her to go into volunteering or something she really enjoys. It would be better for her to do that, or even take up a little part time job that she likes, than go back to a job she's not sure about.
But I agree its good for her to be out and about doing something rather than sitting at home.
I think there is a fine line between denial and optimism. Tread it carefully.
It sounds to me as if your mum has accepted 5 years as a maximum, and so you are being over optimistic to compensate. But like you, if she makes 5 years I see no reason she couldn't live a lot more.
I don't think my mum's ever looked into volunteering, so I will mention that to her, thank-you. I know she is considering doing art lessons or photography lessons too, so that will hopefully be good to keep occupied too. I know my mum is worried about money (she's down to half-pay now, and she's worried about it, although obviously there's also DLA etc too, I don't really know all the ins and outs, but yeah), which is why she's going back to work (if occupational health let her, but I really can't see them saying no), but we just want my mum to be happy, that's the most important thing obviously.
It is probably true that I am being over optimistic to compensate. We all know the statistics are low, and that even if it becomes operable or if the radiotherapy has removed it (which hopefully it has, because they said the outward signs looked good), but even then the statistics are bad, it's very rare to live past 5 years, and often it returns within 2 years, although there is that percentage who do make it, and there is always hope. I think maybe it will be easier in November once we know, but also after March, because in March they said probably less than a year, and although that's changed now it's still hard to forget it.
Partially I think it is not being over optimistic as such, but pretending to be, if that makes sense. It's partly a case of that I don't really know what to say, like if people talk about it happening within the next few years. It just makes me want to cry, but I don't want to be sad or to make anyone else sad, especially my mum, so I try to be positive and optimistic and happy about everything, I just want to make my mum happy. But then, there's not really anything I can say to make it better. It's just a case of making the next few years special just in case, and of making sure we'll all be ok, before and afterwards.
Hi Liv, I think your mum getting into photography and art is a really good idea if that's what she enjoys. I think everyone anyway should invest more time into what they really love doing. Maybe it might we worth sitting down with your mum and thinking together how she would like to spend her time. Maybe she has hopes, dreams and ambitions she'd like to achieve? I know for you to do that might feel like quite an upsetting thing to do but I honestly think that people should spend a lot more time each day doing what makes them happy. For your family going through must have just brought home what's really important in life. I'm sure each day feels special to you guys now and that really is how every day should feel regardless of your mum's prognosis.
I do think it's a good idea to talk to your hospice counsellor about this and Macmillan would probably have really good practical information about finances if that is what your mum's worried about. It at least would give you a clearer idea if she's entitled to anything she doesn't know about.
You say hon that you don't want to be sad or to make anybody else sad but the fact is you are and so will everybody else be from time to time. That's normal and it doesn't mean there won't be a load of happy times as well. Your mum will have read the statistics herself and she knows the reality of the situation so I don't think you need to pretend when it comes to her (in fact maybe's she worried that you're in denial.) I know that sounds quite gloomy and you're right there is always hope but you can have hope while not pretending everything's fine for everybody else's sake Liv. You have hope while still admitting this is scary. The last line of your post said everything and that'll you need to remember.
*gentle cuddles*
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
That's a good idea. It would be hard, but I want my mum to do all the things she wants to do. We have lots of things to look forward to, things we would have done anything - Thorpe Park night in October, and Jason Manford in February, and a couple of gigs and stuff - but it's kind of good now as something to look forward to.
My mum is not having a good day today. She cried a lot earlier because she said all we will remember about her is her saying no to us all the time. It's not true though (and I told her that) because she's always doing stuff with/for us, giving us stuff, anything. She said she read a story on the news about a man whose wife died and he got remarried 14 months later, and she cried then too. But that wouldn't happen either, I can't see it ever happening. She was just sad because she doesn't want all this to be happening, and it's probably going to be within the next few years, and she wants to be with us. I think it's partly because she's not feeling well today, she's had a really bad headache all day so she was in bed most of the afternoon and she's just gone to bed again. Hopefully that will help though and she'll feel better then, 'cos it's hard being happy when you're not feeling well isn't it?
I will try and talk to the hospice counsellor on Thursday though. My mum has two Macmillan nurses but they don't seem to do anything at the moment, I guess because the treatment has stopped now until we find out if the cancer's gone.
