clothes dont fit

[bright.side.of.life]

so im in recovery
i know that i need to put weight on
and therefore ive been expecting this part of it
but it doesnt make it any easier.

i have basically just tried to avoid thinking about food
try to forget i have an ED and just live normally
and its working, im not nearly as anxious over food or weight anymore

but tonight, for the first time in a couple of months i burst into tears because of weight

i tried on 5 outfits to go out in, and only 1 fit. the rest were too small. i couldnt even do them up.

and it just hit me. ive been so concerned with ignoring anything weight or ED related that i hadnt noticed that i was putting on. great right? recovery right?
but it just means that its hit me twice as hard as it did before.

but i saw my sister for the first time in a month
and shes always said i was too thin
but tonight she kept saying how good i looked
and i got attention from men too, saying i had a good figure etc

but i just dont see it
not now i realise how fat i look
now im freaking out
and recently thoughts have been creeping into my head about ED
ways to lose weight
how to do it sneakily
considering getting rid of my bf just so i can
thinking about diet pills again
and any other drugs that could help (ive never even smoked weed!)

im scared
i dont want to go backwards but its not looking good
i had a tooth taken out this week so i cant eat very well at the moment
so im not eating as much
and already im considering fasting etc

i dont know what to do. i email my therapist but dont see her till october! so in alone. i dont know what to do.

[NeverBetter]

hugs's*
sorry thins are so hard for you ,and i know when trying to recover cloths/issuses like these can be trigger ,try not let it get to you i know its hard but you are doing really well sweetie recover can take along time to accept
is there any other help you ca get intil you do see your professional worker?
can you talk to family at all.
hunni your not fat.
hunni is the only reason you are considering splitting with ur bf is cuz u wanna take pills?diet ect......

[bright.side.of.life]

i would usually talk to my mates but they are all going through a rough time atm with one thing or another. i talked to my bf, missing bits out ofcourse, but the basics. ddidnt really help me to be honest.

its not the only reason, its not been going great anyway, but he is a big reason why im recovering. so i think that if hes not there then i can make myself happy by losing weight again. but i know its a false happiness. its just that this has surprised me and thrown me and i dont know how to react yet.

my heads all over the place

[plastic rose]

Trust me, everyone goes through this. I've been through it a couple of times, actually, because I've gone up more than one size since I was at my most ill, and even after two years people still tell me how well I look now. I still feel huge every now and then, but you have to remind yourself that being the size you used to be involved being incredibly miserable. Being underweight did not bring you real happiness, just temporary feelings of elation which were far outweighed with the stress of trying to lose weight, thinking about food constantly, worrying constantly.

The thoughts about wanting to lose weight again, thinking about how to do it etc, take a very long time to completely go away, and everybody deals with them when recovering. Try to think of them as just background noise which the eating disorder throws at you. None of the things it tells you, like that you're fat, are actually true. You have a choice to listen to them or not. And as for things not fitting any more, buy some new clothes, and throw out the small ones. This is a BIG step and it's HARD, but if you do it, you will feel so empowered, trust me. EVERYONE feels big if they try on clothes which are too small. Once you find clothes that fit you, you'll see that you're not as big as you thought, and that a clothes size is just a number. Why should fitting into certain outfits, which are just pieces of fabric in the end, define you?

I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there. And don't break up with your boyfriend, you need as many reasons not to go back to old habits as you can find.

[bright.side.of.life]

im really annoyed, i just wrote an essay and then somehow managed to cancel it all...so im going to summarise...

thanks for the support its good to know its just in my head but that others have been in similar situations.

i am aware that i was unhealthy before (positive step forwards in recovery)
i went clothes shopping yesterday, in a shop i usually use. i know i have gained weight etc, so i tried on a size bigger than usual and couldnt even get it on, so i made myself try on 2 sizes bigger than usual and i still couldnt do it up. at which point i left the shop feeling disgusting. yet when i looked at the size that i used to be it actually made me feel sick to think that i used to be that unhealthily small. its not right, and i can see that now. but a small part of me was upset that i wasnt that size anymore, and that i never would be again. which i guess is good coz it shows i dont want to slip up and go back to it. but its all conflicting.

its stupid but im terrified of being in double figure sizes. i mean ive gained the weight i needed to to be healthy, but i cant face gaining THAT much weight... i dont know why, it just terrifies me.

and i havent done any exercise pretty much since seriously starting recovery. this is because i was addicted to it and over excerised. now im scared to go back in case it happens again, but i need to for my health and confidence because i need to tone my new found fat. also im a smoker/asmathic so i need to exercise to counter act my lungs struggling (wen i exercise its fine but gets worse when i dont). my bf wants me to go back to the gym too, to get over the fear. but i dont know if and wen ill be ready or even how ill know i am ready. im scared.

recovery is scaring me, what if i go the other direction and stop being anorexic but lose all self control and just not stop gaining weight. what if i dont know when to stop? i managed to go up 2 clothes sizes without noticing, what if in 6 months time i realise im unhealthy on the other end of the scale? or what if something happens, stress levels go up and i slip up? ive never felt like i had anything to lose when i was unhealthy, and then when i started to recover i didnt really believe i could do it. but now, ive actually made progress, im scared of losing it, ive come so far i dont want to throw it away.

[plastic rose]

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you're doing great. It's always upsetting to realise that you'll never be that small again, even if you don't want to be. And even though when I tell friends I'm annoyed about being the size I am now, they remind me that I'm still a small size compared to most people, like I always say to them, "yeah but it doesn't feel small when you've been several sizes smaller than that". But what I'm learning more and more is that sizes are just crazy anyway. I have items of clothing in my wardrobe that are of three different sizes, but which all fit me fine. And most adult women do wear clothes in a size with two digits! I do.

Going back to exercising is difficult. I was afraid as well at first. I think the thing is not to do it on your own, and don't let yourself count calories or focus too much on setting yourself goals, just enjoy getting fit. One thing that really helps is to take an aerobics class or something like that. You do the same amount as everyone else, unlike in the gym where you could stay in there all day if you really decided to.

You could go up several more sizes without becoming overweight, but as long as you are eating a balanced diet, and you have some activity in your life, you don't have to worry about it. If you have a healthy lifestyle, you will stay a healthy weight, whatever is healthy for YOUR body, and that's different for everyone. Yes it's scary to have something to lose, but that's just all the more reason to believe that you WON'T let yourself relapse. Because it motivates you.

Trust me, you are doing SO well. Hang in there.