Oh gosh, I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. You've been amazing and done all the right things for her and the hospital will be looking after her well. I hope you're managing to take care of yourself as well as you can, that you managed to have something to eat and get some sleep.
I hope things are a little better today. Thinking of you both, and if you ever need someone to talk to or rant at or whatever, I'm here. Take care x
Thankyou all for your kind words of support. It really helps to have people listening right now and hearing whats going on.
I called the ward this morning and shes still on critical care/ high dependancy but shes a lot more awake and asked me to bring food incase shes hungry later! Shes got oxygen and drips and catheters and stuff, but if shes safe enough, I recon they will transfer her to a lower staffed ward later today maybe. I guess it depends on if she continues to improve.
I am going to visit soon and my dad is comming up to pick me up and take me to get some lunch, I specifically asked him to so I dont skip more meals. Im kindof anxious about eating though because I am so worked up I dont feel hunger like I normally would. And putting food in my mouth feels SO forced, like Im going to choke on it.
I will update later most probably. I have to get a bus soon.
I am very proud of you for making sure you get some meals because I do really thinking looking after yourself in any way (but particularly physical needs) is important right now through this time of stress, even though it is difficult, it is important; so well done.
I hope that she does improve ad the day goes well, am very glad to hear she is more awake too :)
You know what, you are being more amazing than you could imagine!
She really is in great hands (and that includes you!)
I hope you're keeping your fluids up now, and taking care of yourself!
I'm thinking of you both,
Lyssie xx
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault <3 <3 <3
missnnonymous has managed to have her lunch with her daddy today :) her partner is talking now and has told the psych that it wasnt a suicide attempt but self harm so she has been told that she will be able to go home when she is medically stable. missannonymous is with her now so im sure she will update when she is home.
Miss, I am glad to hear things have continued to improve for your partner and that you have managed to have something to eat. I know how stress and anxiety can remove an appetite - so it was wise of you to ask your Dad to encourage you to eat something.
I am sending all my hugs and support your way, for you and your partner. I know things are still not easy for you both and hope you can get the help and support you both need.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Miss, I'm very proud of you.
*more cuddles coming your way!*
You are being so brave & so amazing through this, just like you always have been with your partner, & that truly is admirable.
You are so strong, but remember to take a break for yourself too, & to take care of you as well.
I'm very proud of you for eating too, I know that must have been so hard to do & must have felt so forced, but the fact you did eat is such an achievement.
Please keep on eating, drinking fluids, resting, being good to yourself & taking care of you.
You're such an amazing girl.
<3
Keep on posting here, we're here for you & we're here to support you, as well as send our well wishes & love to your partner.
x
The adrenaline has gone and I am just left with sadness.
I feel so hurt [Not by my partner, just the feeling? Is that possible? Am I lying to myself?]
Im triggered. Shes said many times it wasnt bad enough and I feel almost angry. Not bad enough? Well what the fuck would she know she was unconcious and cant remember a thing. I on the other hand saw it all and there was no way it wasnt 'good enough' or bad enough, depending on what sort of veiw you're looking at. I saw a man die, heard them rushing round her, watched her being wheeled into critical care, which is intensive care prettymuch and saw them stick several lines in, blood gases, drips, the lot.
On the other hand it makes me feel shit, if I am brutally honest, I feel shit that I have the urges, but instead of acting out on them I am watching the person I love suffer by doing all the things I think should be happening to me. I dont know how to feel, but its not good. Cooking dinner today all I could see was things to hurt myself with, sharp edges, boiling hot pans, and every bit of me wanted to grab and slice myself. Its pulling me so tight. Making my heart race just thinking about it.
We had a bloody ridiculous time at the hospital today [she is home now, with me, I said I was okay to take her home, though they kindof said it was my choice]. Its a bank holiday, but so fucking what you'd think.. Shes on quetiapine long release and they didnt have it at the general hospital pharmacy, so they called the local psychiatric hospital, no quetiapine XL there either! So I asked for the dr to get a green script and find someone who could prescribe to a normal pharmacy. No dr in the hospital was able to prescribe outside of the hospital. The dr took 2 hours phoning round, then the hospital pharmacist came up and said there was no way we could get hold of the drug so they called back the psychiatrist we saw this morning [from the psych hospital] and asked if he would phone a local pharmacy [it was after 6 so we were now looking at a massive supermarket pharmacy that would be open till 8] and ask the pharmacist to dispense an emergency supply of quetiapine. He wouldnt, he said he couldnt, which is bullshit. I asked the dr on the ward to do this, and although she admitted it was possible, she wasnt willing to do it incase she took all of them (ethics kinda change when its a emergency supply rather than a prescription I guess) and she didnt feel comfortable, so thats when she called the psych back. [Any dr can give their GMC number and name to a pharmacist and request an emergency supply, even patients can do it so long as they bring proof like a repeat slip] So he called his boss and then the decision changed! Quetiapine was not aloud to be prescribed and instead shes been given benzos till next wednesday when she can restart all the meds so long as CMHT & GP are happy. So the poor dr on the ward spent 2 hours for nothing and now she has another load of benzos, which I will try to keep safe, but shes damn good at finding keys etc from being in a secure ward so long.
Ive just cooked us both dinner, shes trying to keep hers down, and you know what, so am I!
I feel so wretched. Theres so many things I have neglected in the house, washing up, clothes washing, cleaning, tidying, making beds up.
Another crazy thing was that the ICU people upstairs said she wouldnt be going home yet and moved her to a lower staffed ward, then literally an hour later the ward she was moved to said she could go home, yet she was still throwing up and had diarrhoea and shaking so her levels were still clearly toxic, and she couldn't walk without help. Change of tune so quickly was a bit confusing.
I want to be determined. I want to make this work, but it feels so unbelievably wrong not to hurt myself. Not to overdose. Not to do SOMETHING. I feel like Im commiting a crime against humanity to spare myself pain and torture.
I guess I just wanted to rant [&rave] and yeah. Maybe I'll spit out more atrocities later on, I dont know. Am I bad for feeling like this?
You are NOT bad for feeling like this lovely, you are under A LOT of distress right now, & fighting the urges that your partner is engaging in is very triggering for you, that's not bad, that's understandable.
Please try to keep fighting these urges, you really need to take care of yourself, you deserve to take care of yourself.
Don't worry about the chores, you need to look after yourself, & doing the chores isn't looking after you.
If it will help as a distraction, maybe try a bit of the chores, but I really think you need to be resting & trying to get some sleep.
I'm so sorry all of this is happening, you are such an amazing girl though, it's truly inspirational...
rant away if you need to. it helps to get it out
have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling? i think support for you could be great at this time.
i understand why you feel the need to harm but i really dont think you should. how will it change anything or help?
we are all here for you xx
hiya chick big hugs
did the crisis team see her or ne professional to give u and her support. im sorry this is happening chick but u gota make sure ur looking after urself and at any point u feel u cnt cope u need to ask for support from her cmht cus u cnt do it on ur own
I'm glad she's ok now.I am so sorry,darling,you had to pass through all these.
I don't have any words to add to what has been already said,but I want you to know I'm thinking of you.
xxxxxx
You can buy me with a coffee,I'm so cheap. Got bitten fingernails&a head full of past;Got a broken heart&your name on my cast.
&&I wanted her to tell me that she will never wake me.
I feel really low. I know we both are feeling intense despair. We've talked, quite well considering, we've both been defensive, I was snappy and irritable, but she was so honest with me.... Though in being honest, it really does get scary. She said she thinks it was more of a suicide attempt than she let on. She planned it weeks ago! She has weekly meds and because of the bank holiday she got the drs to give her a script on friday, 3 days before shes meant to have it. She also told me that she found the key [to a box of my meds plus some of her excess] a while back and said that her plan was that if she couldnt find it, she'd just take something else [very similar].
I cant really go into details right now, but I really need a bit of support, her behaviours cant really get much worse without killing her, and shes just started psychotherapy which is going to bring up more shit, before it has a chance at helping.
I want to cut, just in a last ditch attempt to make myself feel something of a release. Im blindly trying not to but its getting hard because I feel the reason not to fading away in front of me. So whats the point, cos I dont look after myself for me, if it was for me, Id have killed myself years ago.
I know you're feeling so awful right now, but self harming won't help, maybe for a few minutes, but then it will come crashing back just as hard.
Please can you try & talk to a professional about this? You need help too & it's really not fair on you to be left on your own with all this. It's very overwhelming...
I just dont have professional support available [I was discharged from adult services because it is not in their remit to treat PDs and my county has no service they can refer me to]. Cop-out much?
I was waiting for a lady called Gail from family carers to call me back, but she never did. Thats only for a carers support group though with other young people, but the irony is I might not be able to go cos I cant leave her for hours and hours.
My gp doesnt really help, theres nothing to say, I am waiting to be referred to an anxiety workshop course thingy via MIND [charity] but again, irony says I might not be able to go.
I can call samaritans, but you know it gets frustrating explaining everything over and over on the phone. Its 'fire fighting' in this situation, its not dealing with it, I know that.
Im just sitting here tapping away trying to 'distract' but this is getting tedious! Maybe I'll take sleeping pills and 'get out'. I feel like thats my only option I ever have, and if I rely on that too much I'll be addicted. But the old CMHT said the only thing they could offer to help was a benzo for when I feel like I've had enough [so inspiring!] And does that mean when I have REALLY had enough I take the whole box [sick joke, but it seems logical to me right now]
I guess I have to laugh.
But in laughing I feel hysterical. Like I could jump. :/ In talking today I felt anger so strong I wanted to run and never come back.
I know its a really silly thing, but the summer is over now tbh, and all Im looking forward to for the next 6 months is darkness, literally. It feels so hopeless and black. I dont want to die, but the idea seems like a realistic solution right now and I hate it but how do I MAKE it change? Im trying my fricking hardest already. And Im sick. Im not well.
Can you not travel to another adult services outside of your county?
You really need help & I think it's horrible that they've treated you this way.
I know you feel you need to look after your partner, & that is amazing of you in itself, more so since you're struggling, but you need to focus on yourself too. You need so much support & help too. Can no one stay with her in the day when you go out to your appointments/groups?
I did some washing up today, and tidied up downstairs. I feel like laughing, thats the only positive thing about today in my eyes. Wow life feels rewarding.
Then Im thinking, you should be fucking grateful for all the things you do have, you self absorbed bitch.
Im gonna fucking tear my hair out. Nodamnjoke. ARGH!
-
Umm, I cannot travel out of county, we live fairly central, if we lived on the borders a change in gp surgery would do it, but we've looked into all possibilities and its a no.
My dad comes to stay with her one morning a week whilst I volunteer and he is soon going to be staying here another day when I go to college half a day a week. I can only really manage half days because I get so exhausted. Tuesdays I take her to therapy so thats an all day thing, friday I volunteer, and weds will be my college day till xmas. That leaves thursday and monday. Monday we go to the surgery then pharmacy and then shop. Partner has to fit in seeing her CPN 2 times a week right now, which normally falls on a weds and another day right now. Im just thinkiing out loud, tryin to keep my head busy. Sorry.
Umm,, *thinks* I feel 'busy' but logic says Im a lazy fat bitch so how can I feel so tired?
Last edited by MissAnonymous : 29-08-2010 at 11:49 PM.
Hey hey, you are FAR from being self absorbed or a bitch. *cuddles* You are NOT that at all. Try to trust me when I say that lovely.
You're not fat or lazy either! AT ALL.
It sounds like you're a bit stuck right now with options on how to get any professional help... maybe one of the professionals your partner sees could help out? Have you spoke to any of them about this?
If I could, I'd take you both in here & I'd get you the help you need & by the looks of it, desperately want.
Keep typing, keep talking, it's okay, rant, vent, talk about anything&everything, if it helps you, I say go for it 100%.
Always here for you lovely, just a PM away if you want to talk more privately.
