I have been reading up on eating disorders and inparticular anorexia since my diagnosis and have been reading about the many possible causes for the disorder. Obviously its different for each individual but I have started to question why I am like this and what the reasons are behind it. For me, and I am guessing this is the case for many others too, its not really about food. Im not even 100% sure its about weight and self image. But im getting myself really confused and sometimes aggitated trying to figure it out in my head. Sometimes it feels it will burst and sometimes I feel like maybe im just clutching at straws and looking at things in the complete wrong way.
Can anyone else relate to these feelings and thoughts? Do many of you know the reasons why you have your eating disorder? I do feel that this would be a big part in recovery, because until I know exactly why I have the disorder, and why I am desperatly clinging on to it, I cannot really begin to tackle it.
I think it can really help to know the reasons behind the eating disorder. It's not always easy - hence, I guess, the extreme lengths people go to in order to avoid dealing with those issues - and it doesn't necessarily mean someone will be ready to deal with that, but it is useful to know, in my opinion.
Personally for me, I think it really helps. There's that rational side of me that knows exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing, and even though sometimes the urge to do it is stronger than the rational thoughts, it means I know deep down that it's not going to help. It's horrible at the time because I go through that conflict of 'I want to do it but I know I shouldn't' and I hate myself so much during that time that it's like a cycle - I hate myself so I do [whatever] more, then I hate myself more, etc. But it also means that once I do find a way to talk about the real problems or deal with those issues, or once they get slightly better, it means I'm able to 'recover' a lot more quickly, if that makes sense.
But I guess that depends on what the issues are, how long it's been going on, etc. But you're not alone in that feeling at all. Have you got anyone you can talk to about your issues, a counsellor or anyone? Maybe they could help you to work out why this started for you, and what caused those painful feelings?
I think it would definitely be beneficial to know the reasons behind it, so that you know how to deal with it, or how to replace it with something healthier. It's great that you are trying to understand your reasons.
Personally, I find it difficult to know exactly why I have the ED, because I've quite a few interlinked reasons, that are hard to deal with.
in terms of managing to recover i think its v important to know the reasons behind your behaviours. in hospital we were encouraged to talk about 'whats behind that' rather than our just acting out.
personally i know it has a lot to do with fear of adult healthy sexuality. im just trying to get rid of myself; keep myself 'safe'.
im having to learn that this doesnt work, and im just endangering my life.
I guess I know themes as to why Id want to hurt myself and think its right, but I dont have answers as to why I have an ED persay. I would like to know, but in knowing, I fear it would only consolidate my behaviours. I guess I need to not only understand, but BE understanding and compassionate towards myself enough to give myself care and nutrition.
My occasional messed up eating stems from insecurity, and issues with my height.
I have a constant feeling that I am not pretty enough and somewhere growing up being pretty became equivalent to being thin. I envy petite and thin girls and I am tall. I can't get any shorter or prettier but i can become thinner.
I dont really know the exact reasons behind my anorexia but I do think that there are more than one reason and some of the paths I have been exploring with therapists etc inc...my body image and hating the way I look, not feeling good enough or accepted in society, wanting to remain a child, wanting to be in control, not being able to express my feelings well, lack of identity, sexuality, OCD, depression ... the thing is its all contradictive in my mind. I find it so hard to explain and to express how I feel. Sometimes I dont even know how I feel. Part of me wants to revert back to being a child...to be cocooned and taken care off. I kinda want to be swept up in someones arms and for them to take it all away...all the pain and hurt and confusion inside me. I dont really know how I feel that starvation will make that happen but its all kinda got screwed up in my head. Then there is the contradictive part of me that is desperate to keep in control....to not let anyone close....to not let anyone help me, because why should they? I am an adult...I should be responsible for myself....I should be old enough and adult enough to deal with things. Then sometimes when I dont feel so hungry or so tired or so sick, I feel downright awful and depressed and then its almost like I want to feel hungry, or tired, or sick.......just to feel something and to have something....but its all like a cry for help. For people to see how bad I feel.......because I cant put it into words......I feel like im just waiting......but for what? I feel more and more poorly by the day, and im just waiting for something to miraculously come along......and its not going to. So what do I do? How do you get better? How do you even know what to eat because I dont even know anymore, I really dont.
Sorry............I needed to let some of that out.......
I think it helped me to think about why I've got my eating disorder.
For me, it's almost a comfort (in a completely twist way obviously...) like an old trusted friend, when everyone gives up on me and I feel I've lost everything I still have my eating disorder to rely on.
For me, originally, it had never been about losing weight, I was just terrified of ever putting on weight. I remember feeling a lot more clearer about how this all began when I realised this.
just because you've forgotten doesn't mean you're forgiven
The 'why' of an Eating Disorder is usually down to a mixture of different psychological factors. They are about using food, restriction and/or weight loss to cope with psychological and emotional distress. The one thing that pretty much everyone who has an Eating Disorder have in common is low self-esteem, and most have experienced feelings of depression. People who have Eating Disorders do tend to be bright, high-achieving individuals who are eager to please everyone around them but who, despite this, feel deeply inadequate or 'not good enough'. Often because they set themselves extremely high standards. However, like I said, there are usually lots of different issues that feed into it.
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
Whilst I don't know exactly why I have an eating disorder, I can point to the event that started the thoughts and sent me down this path. I really don't think that knowing that offers me any sort of comfort at all. It was a long, long time ago, it's something that I can't ever change and creating links between different events just connects them in a negative way for me. It's like it takes what was a negative thing and multiplies it even more.
However, everyone is different, and what works for some won't work for someone else, and vice versa.
