Triggering (SI) - Need Help

[oneofthree]

I am a 22 year old cutter. I was hospitalized a week and a day ago for cutting very seriously deeply.( they ended up calling it a stab wound). I got my stitches out yesterday and then got this sudden urge that if i cut some loving design next to that once gaping wound that it would some how make it better. so last night I decided a heart would be a great idea. I was reading up on the topic for the first time since I began cutting and realized its an addiction; just like cocaine and heroin. after the scare last week I swore I would never do it again but I couldnt get it out of my mind. I was sticking scissors inbetween my stitches. then the yesterday i dropped something in the shower my mom came running in asking what I was doing. thats when i realized I was hurting more than myself I was hurting my family which made me feel even worse and thats when after 3 days of letting the stitches heal and then being able to get them out. I though if I cut a loving symbol into my body it would somehow make it better so last night, i cut a heart right on the other side. At the time I was thinking its not different then a tattoo but now looking back I cant believe I did it. I have finally come to the realization that I am 100% addicted to cutting. I dont know why I do it. my family is wonderful and supportive. I have friends who love and care about me. I have a bf who would do anything for me, but last week what I did is slowly ruining my life and then i do it again...I mean I work full time as a hair stylist and go to school fulltime for teaching, but how can i teach when i am so ****ed up myself? How can I make people pretty when I am so disgusted by myself and what i do? Im 22 I shouldnt be like this but I physically cant stop...PLZ if you have any advice get in touch with me I could really use it.

[yeadatonegurl]

I can completely relate to the whole realizing that you are addicted to this. It took me forever to realize this. I thought i had it under control till after one session i realized it had just grown. The next thing that i would like to say is do not be so hard on your self. That is the thought that has come across when i read this. You have seen that this is not a good thing and now you can work towards beating this if that is what you so desire to do. Now for the advice portion when you have the urge to cut find something else to replace it. For me cleaning worked sometimes, writing out my thoughts, i even carved to pieces a notebook of mine, finding a support friend that you can talk this over with. I also found therapy to be helpful. There is a whole section on here for distractions. I think that is the key in overcoming this. Or at least being able to cope in a healthier way. As far as the whole being effed up the thing that i have learned is that we all have our issues it just may be a different subscription then what you have. Also in those moments when you are triggered please take care what you expose yourself to. I learned the hard way of how i can make a situation worse. Hopefully this does not come across as gloom and doom as i really do believe if you want you can move forward and beyond this. This forum is an excellant tool in that process the people here are wonderful and supportative. And i think that is really important in the times ahead. Good luck and take care.