Mildly Triggering (ED) - Expletive! or something..

[.K.]

This has been in my head for a while, so I guess here goes. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what it is that is so wrong with what I do with my own body. The only two things people can tell me is either I'm hurting them, or I just shouldn't because it's not right. Well I can do away with the 'harming of the other' I can simply shut them out of it. If nobody knows then nobody can care. The thing is,the whole 'it's not right' thing really bothers me. You see, to me right and wrong are matters of opinion,
and it's difficult for a person to sway my opinion by simply stating theirs. I know the facts of an ED if that's what I have to call it. I am aware of the dangers. I've been educated completely on the subject. I guess I just don't care. I don't see the point in putting energy into 'trying to recover'. More people tell me that I'm beautiful now than EVER before. More people tell me how much healthier I look now that I'm thinner again. And I ask myself...then what is so wrong with what I'm doing? I definately feel more confident, and I know that I look better than I did just 6 months ago. I'm a lot happier, and I just know I will feel even better once I reach my next STGW. I guess I just feel that no one really understands. It's not a problem like it is with other people. It's not a disorder in my eyes. Yet I know that I still have to keep it a secret because it's not acceptable behavior to those around me. It sure is a conundrum.

[InsufficientFunds]

If you honestly believed you didn't have an eating disorder you wouldn't be posting here. Also, the denial stage of this sucks because it makes your world crumble that much more when you realize you are sick. It really bothers me that you state you know all the risks but you just don't care. You WILL care when you're in the doctors office, you WILL care when your mom/sibling/best friend is scared you're going to die, you WILL care when you see just how much power this illness has to ruin your life. So you may want to be thin, and you may not want to put energy into trying to recovery but sooner or later you're gonna have to try to because this WILL kill you if you don't, and you WILL care.
Paigey xx

[.K.]

Well I'm here because I know there are people who will understand what I'm talking about...at least a little bit. :P I know that I'm not in denial. I can acknowledge that I am doing this and that I have 'such and such' thought processes, and act in 'such and such' a way that most people would consider an ED. I just don't look at it as a disorder. I don't know what would classifiy it as a disorder in my case. I do know that it's different, something that has developed over time obviously. It's not the first time....anyway yeah it's a tangled web. I know I have a strange perception of the subject. I guess I'm just in a difficult place at the moment :) I appreciate the response, and you're right. What I do care about is my girlfriend worrying, and my boss and friends finding out. That's the tricky part. This is why my thoughts go back and forth from not caring to feeling guilty about it. My girlfriend has been there with me in the past with this situation, so I really have to hide it from her this time. The hard part is lying to her. Since she knows how I was before she knows what to look for. It makes it more difficult to keep it from her, which just ingrains it into my head so much more. Maybe it's sick, but it makes me feel like I have more power, and control each time I get away with it after she brings it up. Oh blah...who knows...perhaps I am screwed up. Hah...

Sorry, I know that really didn't make much sense. My brain is really jumbled at the moment. Hah :)

[InsufficientFunds]

Just an opinion but surely it becomes a disorder when you aren't in control of it? and having to lie to your girlfriend even though you really hate lying to your girlfriend doesn't sound like you have control over it.
<3 If you need me PM me

[.K.]

That's another tricky part...I do have control, and I don't. I guess I know that I can't stop at this point...yet I'm always in control because I know that only I can stop it. I could run in circles forever. I continue to confuse myself. :P

[InsufficientFunds]

Only you can stop it, and yet you can't stop it? <3 I want to give you so much love and not sound mean, but sounds like denial x