Well done for deciding to go back, that was really brave and one of the best decisions you will ever make. You just need to believe you will recover, I know how difficult that can be but just visualise your life without an eating disorder and how happy you will be, once you can see yourself happy and recovered your drive to get better will be greater than ever.
Think of all those people who have recovered, you can do it too.
At times it may not feel like it but you are so strong and you are going to do this.
i have every confidence you can and will show Bulimia the door.Eventually.It will be a hard journey but i honestly have every belief that you can and will.
i have seen your strength.i have seen the fight in you.One day i hope you can see how truely strong and wonderful you are too.
Well done for agreeing to go back.
Even when it must feel so difficult.
It shows how hard you really are trying, how much your fighting and how much your working with people.
You have come such a long way.Look back and see how far youve come and be proud.
And then look forward to the future.With all those you care about around you and hopefully your dreams coming true.It may be so hard at times but it WILL be worth it.This journey.
And your too much of a great person to lose.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Helen, you're so amazing & brave. Well done, sweetheart, I'm so so so proud.
You can do it. I know you can.
Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
About fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
And the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
And help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live.
Eating disorders make us stubborn, they tells us that we must what they want us to do. What I find helpful when battling thoughts is to be just as stubborn back... thought you want me to starve FU I am going to eat this dinner and you know what I am going enjoy it! I do still struggle with every mouthful and don't enjoy it but building the I CAN thoughts up in advance makes that first mouthful a smaller mountain to climb.
Well done for deciding to go back, Helen. The hardest decisions are often the most worthwhile. When you encounter problems, anything really, try think your way round them - and get people to help you with this - rather than losing hope.
Will definitely be thinking of you and am wishing you all the very best. I know how hard life... this, and everything can be and is but I also know that you can do it.
xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I'm really glad you have chosen to go back. You need to go with a more positive attitude though. If you go in saying 'I can't recover, I don't deserve to recover' then you won't. No one can help you if you don't want to help yourself. If you say that you can recover you will have a fighting chance.
*sends millions of hugs and kisses* I'm really proud of you Hel for making that decision. You can and will recover and get better. Try not to forget the reasons why you're doing this. When things get tough, we can just focus on the bad difficult stuff, and forget why we're doing it in the first place.
xxx
Helen! (its been so so long!)
Listen, I know this isn't what you want to hear but DO NOT waste this time. I have been in and out of treatment centers over the past 2 years, and I have wasted my time there, that i should have been fighting and healing, trying to plan ways i could binge and purge, i wasn't lucky enough to be able to go IP because my insurance isn't very good. But i was in partial hospitalization and an intensive outpatient program and honestly i could have learned and grown so much during those times but instead i had my head in the toilet still. When you get out of IP you won't have that support, you won't have that love of connection outside of treatment with people who truely truely understand the core of what you're going through. Treatment is the time when you're supposed to do the scary, impossible things like not b/p at home, because you have support to help you through those times - you have resources. After treatment if you want to not b/p its going to be a hell of a lot scarier and lonelier. Please Helen try and take advantage of this time. You will really truely regret it if you don't.
Love always, Paigey.
Really proud of her, we all are baby girl, you're doing amazingly, even if you are slipping up & engaging in destructive behaviors, You're still fighting.
Please keep going, please be honest with them at the hospital & try really hard.
You can live again, I know it.
I believe in you.
My fiancee, my love, my one & only baby girl, my beautiful angel from above.
You. CAN. Do. This.
Morning has been terrible. I don't want to go back. Eughhh.
I'm not ****ing ill enough. I need to make myself iller. I need to be worse. I need to die. I'll be ill enough to let myself recover then.
I'm really glad you are going back nevertheless though.
Hel, you are most definately ill enough. Deep down you know that, and you also know that you're never going to be "ill enough" or "thin enough" or anything else "enough" to give yourself the license to recover. Your ED controls you too much for that to happen.
Oh helen, I'm sorry you've had such a horrendous morning.
If you die then you can't possibly recover. You ARE ill enough, what you have is chronic and severe, please look towards recovery - don't throw this chance away. I know I can't force you and I probably wouldn't be able to convince you but you deserve the chance to live. You deserve happiness and to regain control.
I love you so much helen and can't bear to see you suffer so badly.
Fight this while you still can
Take care, Emma xx
I love you. You can get through this.
Patience baby girl, you will believe in time that you can beat this ED.
You don't need it, it doesn't define you, it's an illness but it can be beaten.
For some, yeah, it is chronic, but that doesn't mean you can't BEAT it.
It means it may always be with you, sort of like a bad memory you know?
I believe though that you can live again & be free from it.
Many have walked away from it when they were tied down by it.
You can too.
I know you can.
We all do.
Please try to be honest with them, work with them, do whatever it takes, defy your ED, don't listen to it, it's not your friend, it's the enemy.
Just think of how much you want to live, & not die, & be free & able to do things you can't do now because of it.
You have so much strength.
You can do this.
Believe in yourself angel, because we all do.
It'll take time, so much time, but please, please don't give up. Ever.
♥ I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. ♥
2 daysssss. :D
xxxxxxx
Remember this, take it in, try to, please?
You ARE ill enough.
That first THOUGHT was ill enough, let alone the first behavior.
I'm not ****ing ill enough. I need to make myself iller. I need to be worse. I need to die. I'll be ill enough to let myself recover then.
Helen, this is what I think, say, believe, need, want and feel - and you know what, it's a heap of complete tosh. It's a lie; an Eating Disordered lie.
If you continue to engage in the behaviours that you are, as you are at the moment you will die Helen; and no body here wants that, and I don't believe that you want that either.
I have this thought that says that I need to reach a point where I will be allowed to recover, I'll let myself recover - everything will magically be okay. The past two weeks have really shown me how absurd and ridiculous that line of thinking is, and also how much of a lie it is too. That point, that stupid point doesn't exist - it's make believe, it's a lie that your Eating Disorder tells you. When you first start out it might be x weight, or y behaviour, then a year in when you've passed all those there will be a new set of goals, and then, 5 years on there will be a whole new set of rules and then 7 years on there will be another new set of rules; you won't ever, ever achieve anything in your Eating Disorder other than loss of health, friends, family, yourself and your life. I know from your posts you have been in hospitals, A&E, Doctors, serious damage done from your purging, possible life long issues that are going to stay with you and your body is really struggling; and yet that isn't enough.... Doesn't that prove to you that there isn't ever enough? It's something that your Eating Disorder tells you so that you continue on going.....
It's time to stop Helen. It's really, really time to stop.
You are more than an Eating Disorder and although that is what feels safe to you right now, nothing about what you are doing is safe. You have a place at an IP unit, and that is so, so damn hard to achieve and access - people die because they are unable to achieve funding, people are poorly for years because they can't access that help when they need it - you need it, and you have it; now it's up to you to make the most of it. The support from your friends and family and all the professional staff is there; but now you have to really try, and you have to want it Helen.
You're not happy now, you're not having fun or enjoying you're life; you're stuck in a complete hell..... It'll be hard and yeah, it'll be very scary - but you know what, it's time to make changes and it's time to really try.
I was working through things the other day, and I came to the decision that; If I stayed the same; I'd die. My body would give out and actually, I mentally can't cope with this anymore. If I got worse; I'd die. My body would just give up and I'd die through organ failure or something similar. I don't want to die, I haven't held on for this long to give up, or for my life to be taken away from me; that means I have one option - I have to fight damn hard. I'm terrified and I want to run, I hate everything about it - but I know this is the only way I'm going to get better, this is the only way that I have a chance at life......
It seems to me that you're in a pretty similar situation right now.....
It's time for you to choose.....
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
