Severely Triggering (ED) - huge problem...

[mi92186]

I have a huge problem... I'm dealing with anorexia/bulimia, which is ok by me, because I'm losing weight... I have no desire to change my eating habits, until I get thin enough... I know it's not 'healthy' and all that other crap, but I simply don't care!!!

Anywayz, that's not why I'm writing for help... I hafta start back to work begining of September, and since I'm abusing laxatives, I'm constantly having to run to the bathroom... I really don't mind, because I'm home all the time, and I rarely leave... But I can't be running to the bathroom every hour when I'm at work... I have no idea what to do!!! I know the obvious thing would be to just quit using the laxatives, but I can't!!! It's like I'm addicted... I just don't know what to do... Does anyone have any suggestions??? I would appreciate any and all...

[Rhea-Billie-Tate]

You don't want to hear this, but you need to stop taking the laxatives. You're not going to find anyone on this site who will give you advice or share tips to assist and fuel your eating disordered behaviours.
If you can't stop taking the laxatives cold turkey because of the physical effects of withdrawl, then you need to taper down the number you're taking over a period of a few days or weeks to wean your body off them. It will be uncomfortable at first, you'll feel temporarily very bloated and constipated, but the body does adapt again. Laxative abuse is very dangerous and the longer it goes on, the greater the risk of permanent damage. I'm sure you don't want a colostomy bag, being thin can't possibly be worth that cost. You're also putting your life at risk due to electrolyte imbalances and dehydration, you will permanently damage your heart and other organs.

Why do you feel so strongly that losing weight is worth all the of the risks and pain associated with an eating disorder? Have you got any support in real life?

Take care of yourself,

[mi92186]

I know I need to stop the laxatives, but I don't wanna... I don't care about the health risks... I'd rather be sick or even dead than fat!!!

Yeah, I have some support... I have a treatment team, plus a few friends and family members, but only a few know of the ED... I'd rather keep that a secret...

And I'm sorry about the post... I guess it did kinda sound like I was looking for tips... Sorry...

[Rhea-Billie-Tate]

I wasn't trying to get at you, it would just be ethically wrong for any of us to help you to harm yourself.
You don't want an eating disorder. I know that there's probably nothing I can say right now to change how you feel, I've been where you are, I do understand feeling that losing weight is so much more important than any risks. But losing weight isn't the answer you're looking for. You think that losing weight will change something, that you'll be happy when you reach your goal weight. But you're looking in the wrong place. It's not your weight that's causing you to feel so awful, that's just what your head is telling you. You will never find the answer on the scales. Sinking into an eating disorder just makes everything infinitely harder in the long term. It won't fix anything at all, the problems are still there underneath the behaviours. It might make you feel better in the short term, but it won't change anything in the long term.

Like I said, there's probably nothing I can say that will change your mind. I wish there was, I wish there was some way that I could show you. If you ever want to talk, my inbox is always open. I can't help you to harm yourself but if you ever need support, I'm here.

Take care of yourself,

[teenytineytori]

You don't need to be sorry. But tips are just not a good thing here.

Secrecy is a major road block to recovery in ED. I know you feel that you would rather have anything happen that to gain weight right now. But there are so many wonderful things that have nothing to do with food that you could miss out on.

You will be going to a job in September. That is wonderful!!!! Letting your ED interfere with your job stinks. I know how that is, I really do. There are lots of things to look forward to.

You do have a a treatment team, and some family members that are in the know about your ED. Maybe you could talk to them about where you are at with your ed and get some needed support :)