Ok so when I was about 11, I was staying at my mum's boyfriends house. They were all drunk and had left i think, anyway, all us kids had to sleep together, his oldest son, about 17 or 18 in not entirely sure, kept, i dont know how to say this, feeling my up i guess. I just remember his hands everywhere. Anyway, I'm 19 now and lately, for the past year i think, everytime someone touches me from behind i feel sick, like literally sick and my body like shakes inside. I cant even stand my own mum resting her head on my shoulder when im sitting on the couch.
Anyways, my friend has this habbit of hugging me from behind, but I'm not sure how to tell her to stop, I told her just to stop but she doesnt get it and keeps doing it. They whole thing seems like I'm being really dramatic over nothing, I mean I wasnt raped or anything.. I just dont know how to make her stop without seeming really pathetic.
Your not pathetic for having those feelings, its nothing that you can control.
I'm not sure how you could say it without much detail so your friend could take you seriously.
Maybe telling the truth could be an option if you think they could understand and be there for you.
Your certainly not pathetic.. Even if you dont go into details you could explain that somebody had touched you in a way in which you didnt feel comfortable and her hugging you like this makes you feel unsafe? If she asks all the normal questions like who, what, when, where and how and you dont want to tell her you could say that your not ready to go into details just yet and dont find causing the upset necessary as he's now out of your life?
I hope this helps & you find a way of stopping your friend triggering these thoughts. If you feel like you can be honest and open i would opt for that option as it appears to have better results in the long run <3
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears...
That isn't pathetic!
It's natural I promise :)
I have the same thing with trust. When you get hurt by something (trust for me, the touching for you) you automatically avoid it or cringe away from it.
I have a similar issue too and dislike being touched.
Have you looked into counselling? If you can find a counsellor who is experienced in helping people who've been through similar things, or find an organisation that supports people who've been through this, they could really help you.
Regarding your friend, I think you can just say that you don't like being hugged from behind, and for her not to take it personally (and that hugging you 'normally' if fine). If she asks you can explain that someone touched you inappropriately and you are seeking support for this and that you don't want to talk about it in any more detail, and that you hope that as your friend she will understand and respect that.
Thanks everyone. Now i really wish I had normal friends. I've always chosen those people who, you know are so happy all the time and take absulutly nothing serious. Because, well, I figured maybe I would learn from then, or that I wouldnt have to deal with any of my problems because they wouldnt ask. But I think I will deffenatly cross my fingers and try!
There is nothing pathetic about this. Your space is yours; your friends should respect the boundaries you establish. Make certain she knows you don't ask this lightly; tell her it's not that she's done anything wrong, and it's nothing personal, but it really bothers you.
And for what it's worth, just because you weren't physically raped, that doesn't mean it's not "okay" or normal to have these feelings. Even if you weren't physically hurt, he still touched you in an unwanted sexual way, and you were left feeling violated; vulnerability and the need for control over personal space are normal, lingering effects of any encounter like that. You're not being dramatic. These kinds of feelings can last a long time, and they need to be acknowledged and dealt with so you can move on from them. *hugs* Please take care.
Again, this isn't pathetic - just try to talk to her a little more seriously I guess. Eventually they'll get the point. I have friends who don't hug me that much and one might say, 'oh Bridge doesn't like to be touched'. So just try to be firm and hopefully your friend understands xx
Thanks, I've let one of my closest friends on this site as shes having trouble too. So she's read all this now too, shes the first person I've ever let even acknowledge that I have problems, so I fingers crossed it turns out to be a good thing
