Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

Well, hospital this morning was fun. <sarcasm intended>

I got there and found that the pharmacy didn't open until 08:30 - the same time as my appointment with the physio so wandered upstairs and registered at Allied Health and told them my prediciment. Then I "disappeared" back downstairs and stood right outside the pharmacy window until the opened, put in my script and ran back upstairs.

The physio session was pretty good. She had no real ideas on the "strange sensation/issue" with my shoulder but was willing to go with either what my sister had said or something similar to do with my pec muscle on my R side.

Anyway, afterwards I was intending to go and buy a pack of smokes and a drink because I have a friend who is in hospital and I knew that the Visiting Hours didn't start for another hour, but as I was walking towards the lift she was wheeling herself towards me!

So we went down to the designated smoking area and had a bit of a chat and a relax together and then I went to pick up my script and she went back to the ward she had come from.

Then (apart from taking a Xanax) it was just a case of catching a bus and I was "home and hosed".

My housemate and I took a walk up to a local shopping centre to grab some lunch and then (after eating) I completely crashed out for a couple of hours. The 2 Xanax that close together has just knocked me for six, even though they were completely necessary. It probably didn't help that I was already extremely tired and didn't wake very well this morning.

Now, I just have to face the rest of the day. Hopefully it is better than this morning way ... If not, heaven help us ...

[Kahlia1981]

Well it feels like it's getting colder (7C this morning) instead of warmer contrary to what it's supposed to be doing ... My/our neighbour tells us that it's supposed to only get down to about 12C tomorrow so hopefully that's the case.

I did a lot of "little" things that I had to get done this afternoon, including finding the name of the Director of the TAFE so that I can prepare the email to send to them and all the other stuff in preparation for withdrawing.

Now I'm just ready to crash for the night. *yawn*

[crazykat]

*Hugs* Thinking of you. Sounds like a busy exhausting day but well done for getting through it

[Kahlia1981]

It has not been a good start to the day but there's something I haven't been admitting to myself regarding how I've been feeling and how my urges have been going since around about the 2nd of August . . .

Since then I've been increasingly experiencing feeling: edgy, anxious, suicidal, urgy, depressed and F.A.T

I have also started having really strong urges towards: SH, suicide and ED - ana type in a really restrictive type way

I'm getting the ana thoughts and urges and starting to follow through on some of them. I know that (as my last psychiatrist said) I'm not in any danger of becoming anorexic, but the thoughts concern me a little because I know how easy I can fall into their trap.

I don't know. Maybe it's for the best . . .

[mouse in darkness]

Hun, I send you Hugs

I can understand some but not all. If you ever need to chat or someone to listen or just to listen to someone else I am here. Ok hug.

[Kahlia1981]

My head is giving me some trouble at the moment . . .

I've barely eaten today - not that I'll go into details partly for me, and partly for RYL rules - but I feel in two ways about that:
1: Happy that I've managed to stick to not eating much and trying to keep control of what I'm taking in
2: Like I've awakened the Dark Beast or my old friend Ana. . . Like it's not good enough, and will never be good enough until I'm not eating anything

She/I/it/whatever you want to express that part of me as keeps yelling at me that I'm Fat, Ugly, Hideous, Horrible, Disgusting, Hopeless, Completely lack Self Control, Have No Will Power Whatsoever, Will always be a Fat, Disgusting Whore . . . it just keeps coming.

I'm struggling to stop myself from believing it.

If I can just keep my head above water for one more day . . .

[crazykat]

Can you let your pysch know that your struggling in regards to eating so they can keep an eye on things. Also I know it will be hard but try and at least have a little bit of something to eat, your body needs it.

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thanks. Yeah I can.

I actually spoke to my housemate about it last night because I tried some dinner and my brain went into over-drive. He basically told me to "stop over-analyzing" because "there's no worry that you'll go anorexic in the next month". I don't think he gets that the mindset can be so powerful . . .

Anyway today I have the first appointment with Pain Management Clinic. It's with a Physio so it could be interesting <sarcasm>. Hopefully it won't take too long because I then have to walk over to my least favourite part of the hospital campus (Acute Mental Health) to see my psychiatrist.

Speaking of AMH . . .

Yesterday's Townsville Bulletin (the local newspaper) has made me even more afraid of going inpatient there. They published an article/report on the findings of the autopsy and investigation of the last person the Psych ward caused the death of. The guy was 30 years of age and obese and was known to the ward with diagnoses of Schizophrenia and Bipolar. He was seeking help and they turned him away saying that "there was nothing wrong" with him. He began to get agitated so they took him to a "blind spot" - a place where there were no security cameras. They got him on the ground and got police to hand-cuff him (they had 6 security guards as well as 2 police by this stage), crossed his legs and pulled them up behind him and injected him with four (4) shots of an anti-psychotic.

Not bad for someone with nothing wrong with them. He died of respiratory failure most likely caused by a combination of the pressure from the arms and legs due to his weight and the drugs.

Personally I think the Doctor that authorised it should hang for it - in the medical sense. I think he/she should lose their ability to practice medicine. The security guards should probably also have some penalty . . . depends who gave them their orders . . . but because this is Queensland Health it's probably all been buried by now.

Whoa, so sorry about that. I just think it's disgusting that they (the psych ward here) are able to get away with killing patients and other criminal acts.

Realistically if you want to think about it logically Townsville Hospital still has Ward 10B - all that has really changed is names, dates and methods . . . the deaths and atrocities continue just the same.

[clear_skies]

I'm just as angry as you in regards to this! And it wasn't that long ago that a man died because the AMH turned him away: http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news...-1225854746024
It breaks my heart.

Anyway, I really hope your appointments with your psychiatrist and the pain management clinic went well. Thinking of you.

[Kahlia1981]

Not to mention the 3 or more patients who get discharged because they are "well" and then get tasered or otherwise killed by police because they are severely psychotic less than 24 hours later . . .

Sorry, Bridget, I just can't stand the AMH or any of what passes for Mental Health systems around here. They are just purely disgusting.

Thanks so much.

[crazykat]

I don't blame you for being angry that is terrible. All the best for your appointments

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: *big hugs* Thanks hun. It's nice to be validated.

On the subject of my appointments:

My one with OzCare - which I'm not sure I'd even mentioned ... my brain has been a bit scatty at the moment - didn't happen as my Mentor couldn't show up. My housemate's Mentor did - they usually come together because I'm not 100% comfortable around "strangers" and am not used to them yet and when they come together it means that my housemate is home - so he and she didn't actually get any work done, but the three of us just had a bit of a chat.

The physio at Pain Management was okay. He talked to me about my pain in my shoulder and is going to go into the hospital files to find out about the surgery and also to get a copy of the summary from the ultrasound I had earlier this year (because I couldn't find my copy but had given my hospital physio a copy). He wants to do an assessment and has referred me to a number of people a psych (not sure whether it's a psychologist or a psychotherapist because he didn't say) so that they can talk with my psychiatrist - because they "speak the same language" -, an OT I believe and I'm pretty sure there were some others but I have to confess I was just freaking out a bit by then.

I walked out of there about 20 minutes after I had walked in being told that he would take my information to the meeting next Thursday (August 12) and then I would start getting appointment letters. I also walked out of there shaking like a leaf. I ended up going downstairs (Pain Management Clinic is in what's called the Medi-Link Centre so it's basically shops on the ground floor) buying a drink, taking a "white M&M" (Xanax) and nicking over to the hospital's Designated Smoking Area to try and calm down before my next appointment.

The appointment with my psychiatrist was a lot easier. I told him that I was on 120mg of the Proprananol a day and it was making absolutely no difference to my anxiety at all. I also told him that I had checked that with my housemate to make sure that it wasn't just an "internal" feeling. Then I told him that my housemate and I had discussed the use of a tricyclic antidepressant and were okay with it on the condition that it was done with safeguards. I then discussed with my psychiatrist the type of safeguards that we (me and my housemate had discussed).

My psychiatrist was (and always is) really good with it. He could see where we were coming from and so I've started on Anafranil at a really low dose. To start with I'm taking 25 mg at night for 5 days, and then bumping it up to 50mg at night. I've only been given 25 tablets on the first script. I'm seeing him again on August 20.

I really hope this works. I'm sick of feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I know that it will take some time, but it would be nice to be like a normal person . . . to be able to leave the house just for fun - to walk away from the house without having to have "a reason". *sigh*

[Doikers]

Wow Kahlia , it sounds like you have got a lot to deal with :S Good luck with your new meds :)

[crazykat]

Glad your appointments went reasonably okay, all the best with the new meds

[Kahlia1981]

Mark: Thank you. *hugs*

Kat: Thanks hun. *big hugs*

*~*~*~*

Well I've been on the new medication (Anafranil - tricyclic anti-depressant) for 3 nights now. At the moment I'm taking 25mg at night, on Wednesday night I up the dose of the Anafranil to 50mg.

I've also been coming down off the Proprananol (beta-blocker) at a rate of 20mgs every 2 days. So at the moment I'm on 80mgs per day. I have 3 more drops to go (today, Thursday and Saturday) before the final drop to being completely off it.

So far there haven't really been any positive or negative signs, but I guess it is a) early days and b) a complicated medication change. I also guess that a good thing is that there hasn't been anything extreme like an allergic reaction. With me that is always a concern.

On the subject of my studies . . .

I rang Centrelink (Social Security) bright and early this morning because 9 times out of 10 if you ring them any later than just after they have opened you just get an engaged signal on the Disability, Sickness and Carers line. I don't know what it is like on their other lines but I'm assuming it would be just as bad. Anyway, after going through their automated process where I had to give my number so they could verify me I got placed in a queue where they told me my "call would be answered in 5 to 6 minutes". I do have to confess to being highly amused at how exactly they could estimate that because I had asked to be put through to an "Operator" and some of the queries that go to an Operator can take quite a long time.

When I finally got to speak to someone human from Centrelink I began to explain my situation in quite a simple manner. Basically something like: I'm currently receiving Pensioner Education Supplement for studying through Brisbane North Institute of TAFE but their Services are forcing me to have to search elsewhere to meet my needs for study. I quite literally got no further before the lady asked me for my confirming details and then asked me if I was still studying. I said yes as my assignment has not yet been returned so I have not been exited from the subject. And she told me that she would send me a Claim form for "if I did have to change study providers" basically so that I could go directly from claiming PES from one study provider straight to another. I told her that I definitely did have to (I did not tell her that I have the Confirmation of Enrolment sitting on my desk however) and explained the situation with the Marking Criteria. She was utterly disgusted with that situation and has actually suggested that I telephone the Department of Education and Training about it.

It was kind of scary/freaky. Centrelink is usually never that helpful. All she said I need to do is when I stop studying at TAFE is give them a call and make sure I have the form in.

[crazykat]

Glad so far the medication is going alright and it's always nice when you get someone helpful at centrelink as it doesn't happen all that often.

[Kahlia1981]

Today so far (its now after 16:00) has been about a 9.5 on a stress scale of 1 (basically not there) - 10 (worst you can possibly imagine).

Yesterday I was doing some research into the course I am/want to be enrolled in and was looking into their Credit Transfers and stuff like that. So anyway, to get a Credit Transfer I have to get a copy of my Academic Transcript from my previous university, fill-in forms, wait and so forth. But the information on one website about it was different to the information on the other website about it. Anyway I decided that today I had to make 2 phonecalls to try and get the ball rolling and work out what I needed to do both to get the Academic Transcript and also Register for the Degree and follow the Credit Transfer guidelines and so forth. That meant 1) a call to the old university to work out the process to get an Academic Transcript and 2) a call to the new university to try and work things out with them.

With the old university I looked up the number - and it was even a freecall number - and gave them a call. They checked my Student Number (which it was lucky I could even remember the damn thing) and told me that the Student Enquiries Centre wouldn't be able to just print it for me as it would have to be checked because it was from before they "had changed the system". Seriously, these guys change this system more often that most people change their underwear. Anyway they told me there was a form I would have to fill in (and gave me directions to find it on the website) and said I'd have to pay for it when I came in to drop it off - the price depending on how many copies I wanted.

I wasn't able to print the form as the only printer I have access to is on the network and isn't available when my housemate's computer is off and he had switched it off when he went to TAFE so I had to go out there by bus when I'd finished all my other phone/email tasks. Thankfully that was a fairly painfree exercise. I walked into the Student Administration Enquiries Office and there was no-one there and explained to the girl what I wanted and why. She asked for photo ID and then just checked on the system whether she'd be able to print it straight out but just seconded what the chick on the phone had said. She gave me the form and I filled it out at the desk. I talked to her about the options in relation to delivery because I had the option of paying an extra $6 and getting it sent Express mail, but she said that if it was just coming to me and I'm in the same city realistically it would take exactly the same amount of time so I may as well not waste the money. So all up it cost me $10 for 1 copy of my Official Academic Record and $1.40 for the bus to get all of that organised. I should have that arriving next week. *fingers crossed*

The second phonecall was to RMIT. The biggest pain about that was that it wasn't a freecall number so I had to make the call on my mobile. That call to a Victorian number is going to cost me quite a lot on this bill . . . I just hope it doesn't push me over the edge, especially since I rang my friend in WA on her mobile last night and talked for awhile. Anyway, they had 7 options on the automated part of their system and I was tossing up between 1 (enrolments) and 7 (everything not covered by the other options). I decided to go with enrolments because I thought that probably covered it better. The recorded voice that tells you that you are in the queue and also talks to you while you are in the queue to let you know you are in the queue is a bit weird - well when it is in the second capacity. You hear silence for quite a while and then the voice speaks and delves out words of wisdom and then more silence and then more wisdom and so forth, but the silence at times is long enough to make you think the call might have been dropped.

When I finally got through to a human I tried to explain the situation in regards to what I was currently enrolled in at RMIT through OUA and that I was enrolled in this with the aim of completing the Bachelor of Technology majoring in Computing Studies. That I was looking at applying for Credit Transfers as I had completed both first year of a Bachelor of Information Technology at another university and some modules of a Diploma of Information Technology majoring in Web Development. I also stated that I had looked at the subject descriptions and I believed that some of the subjects that I had done at my previous university could map quite nicely to some of the subjects offered and that I wanted to make sure that I didn't enrol or attempt subject that I didn't have/need to.

The gentleman I was talking to said that he was unable to help me but gave me the email address of the department that deals with the RMIT course and students who come through OUA and put my call through to the appropriate person. Unfortunately she was unable to take my call at the moment, whether through being away from her desk or on such similar terms I am uncertain and wouldn't be able to ascertain anyway. Therefore I sent an email to the email address I had been given asking all the questions I was able to think of and am hopeful that someone will get back to me. I just really hope it is soon.

This morning we were faced with one more unexpected thing which has thrown things out for us a little bit. My housemate had a phonecall from our landlord informing us that she is selling the unit. My housemate has had a couple of phonecalls from the agent (or the agent's underling) setting up for their to be an Open House this Sunday from 11:00 until 12:00. Because of the phonecall this morning it because necessary for me to ring the Rental Tenancies Authority (RTA). Thankfully that was a nice, easy phonecall. The lady was really nice. I said what the situation was and she said that because we have a fixed-term lease the new owner has to uphold every part of it. She also talked about how to act during an Open House and Showing and various things like that. She was really good.

If I didn't freak out when making phonecalls I don't think my stress levels would have gotten so high. I had a "white M&M" (Xanax) before going out to the uni but I was still so keyed up it was hard to think straight.

Mind you, I also did some cleaning today - I guess that's a good thing right?

[SoMuchMore]

*hugs you* No real words right now, sorry... but I am reading and thinking about you.

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: *hugs* Sorry I didn't respond to you earlier. Yeah, it's lovely when you get someone nice, friendly and helpful at Centrelink. It's just so rare.

Laura: *huggles* Thanks so much. It means a lot that you took the time to let me know you are reading.

Today has been a bit of a mixed-bag. I've made a couple of phonecalls and sent a few emails and even had to resubmit an assessment for a trivial reason!

I got an email from the OUA Enrolments centre today telling me that to register for the degree I need to first successfully complete two OUA units towards the relevant degree. After that I have to fill in a form and I'll be able to head towards my Bachelor of Technology (Computing Studies).

They also advised me to contact the School of Computer Science and Information Technology directly in relation to Credit Transfer. Despite the fact that they (School of CSIT) were on the address line of the original email the Enrolment section gave me the email address. I sent the School of CSIT a more detailed email, trying to give them as much as possible in order to help me. I'm still waiting for them to get back to me.

I also rang the TAFE where I am currently studying to talk about how to order an Official Academic History. The chick on the phone would barely let me get a word in edgewise. She kept telling me that they would accept my multiple "Result of Assessments". I told her that I needed an Official Academic History, and eventually she conceded that one could be printed for a cost - but wouldn't tell me what the cost was.

I got an email from the Diploma Co-ordinator about my final assessment today telling me it had accidentally been zipped as a .7z instead of a .zip so could I please resubmit it. I took advantage of the opportunity to check all my links worked and re-validate the pages, but all the pages came back green [Green means it is valid code; Red means the code is invalid]. So I zipped it again - making sure it was a .zip and then resubmitted it.

The thing that pisses me off about this is that I originally submitted this assignment two weeks ago. It should have been checked then. Now I'll probably have to wait two to three weeks before he even thinks of looking at the damn thing again. Royal pain in the arse.

I tell you, sometimes the days where you seem like you did nothing can be some of the most stressful!

[Kahlia1981]

My housemate and I have just been talking and it reminded me of a couple of things.

This morning we had our OzCare mentors over. Mine is pretty good, she's obviously been working as a mentor or for people with mental health issues for a while and it shows. The one who is working with my housemate is not so good. For one thing she is still studying, and while this is not necessarily a bad thing, she is showing signs of wanting to show off what she is learning but not being able to follow it through - if that makes sense. The other thing is that she comes across like she is lecturing, to him anyway. She also told him today that he should get counselling which is kind of like waving a red flag towards a bull. I've said to him that perhaps he should let her know that to him she is coming across as lecturing and also about any topics that are off the radar or whatever.

The other day my mother said something to me about my singing teacher. She has depression and the signs are not looking good. She has stopped singing and from what I understand is not leaving the house. My mother has told me that she no longer will accept anyone's phonecalls - not even from the one person she used to accept phonecalls from, even in the most darkest of times. My mother wanted to leave some messages in her mailbox that were encouraging and let her know that she was loved, but wouldn't be misconstrued.

I talked to my housemate about the situation when I got home because it seemed that someone needed to do something a bit more than that - it sounded almost like a case of pre-meditated suicide could occur if someone didn't step in - and I wanted to check if I was overreacting. When I explained the situation to my housemate he actually agreed to me. I've emailed a whole heap of information to my mother on depression and positive and negative ways of approaching depressed people, but I also gave her information on suicide warning signs. In the email I said that I believed she was at a real risk and I thought that some of her close friends should do a welfare check - just to make sure she wasn't that bad. If she was they should try and get her to hospital and if they couldn't ring 000 and get her under an EEO (Emergency Evaluation Order) and get her to hospital. She might hate you there and then, but when she gets out the other side she won't.

I hate doing stuff like that. I also hate being in a position like this. I'm pretty close to being unable to act, and I can't force my mother or my teachers other friends to act. I would really love to be wrong believe me, but I don't want her to die from something that is entirely preventable.

I had an episode today where I saw the abuser from my CSA on our front porch. Thankfully it didn't last very long and it didn't give me too much stress. Just felt incredibly unreal. Freaked me out for a bit though. Definitely did raise my heart beat.